Miss Cellania Humor, links, and videos on a different subject each day!

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Firefighters
2008-04-04 06:30:38
Who doesn’t love firefighters? Their mission is pure: to save lives and property. They are brave men and women who put their lives on the line for a living or as volunteers. They are by necessity physically fit, which means hot. And since many departments need to raise money to stay in business, they show off a bit for fundraising calendars. You can still buy a 2008 calendar full of hot firefighters from a variety of departments. You can also see some nice firemen in my previous post, Fire. Later in this post, you’ll even see a picture of a naked fireman! In every town I’ve lived in, and several I’ve just visited, you can always make a friend at the local firestation. Of course, nobody’s perfect, as you will see here. Perfection isn’t much fun. A Firefighter Sets Himself on Fire (via Gorilla Mask) The hotter you are, the faster we come. 7 of the coolest fire stations on earth. World’s ...

Redneck Jokes
2008-04-03 06:12:56
At one time, I thought I was an expert on what was redneck and what wasn’t. I was sadly mistaken. The more I hang out on the internet (and that’s a lot), the more I find that things I considered normal human behavior are considered redneck to folks who don’t live in the middle of it. I won’t give any examples right now, because it’s still a bit embarassing. Not that I’m embarassed to hold the redneck label... that kinda comes with the territory. I was born into the territory, you know. But I’m a bit embarassed to get my education from outsiders on the fine art of, um, “rednecking”. I reckon that’s about the most direct thing you could call it. Redneck Hunter Safety The Justice League of Appalachia. Vialators will be dealt with severely. (Thanks, kerry!) Redneck mailboxes. MESSAGE PARLOR An old Redneck woman in the West Virginia hills received a le ...

Math Degree
2008-04-02 06:26:20
Is it just bass-ackwards that I love a good math joke, but still avoid balancing my checkbook like the plague? Not really; what fun is it to balance a checkbook? That’s almost like working your way toward bad news. No, that’s exactly what it is. Some things I’d just rather not know. It’s the same with taxes. I could do it myself, but I’d end up angry, frustrated, and tired, which just isn’t worth it. But a good math joke, or better yet, a math pun, can make me smile all day long. I don't know if these will do that much for you, but a smile for a minute is still worth a read. Perelman's Proof of the Poincare Conjecture Professor Steve Sawin of Fairfield University. He’s got the lyrics at his website. Alexis Lemaire broke his own record for mental computing at the Science Museum in London by finding the 13th root of a 200-digit random number in 70.2 seconds. (via J-Walk Blog) What’s your fav ...

Marriage Woes
2008-04-01 06:03:59
There’s (almost) nothing worse than a bad marriage -when you’re in it, itching to get out. People stay in bad marriages because 1. they stick to their vows, B. for the kids, and 3. fear. I don’t understand the fear. There’s fear of poverty, although I can tell you from experience that poverty is not as bad as the fear of poverty. There’s fear of loneliness, and I’ll tell you from experience that as bad as loneliness is, it beats being miserable. OK, that’s enough serious stuff. Good marriages have plenty of opportunity for comedy, but bad marriages have even more. Sexual Communication Here’s a husband you don’t want. Too bad so many women already have him. (Thanks, Jan!) This study found that for each 16-point rise in a woman’s IQ, her marriage prospects declined by 40%. Is it any wonder that smart women are dying their hair blond? Some folks stay together becaus ...

Food Stuff
2008-03-31 06:31:37
Yeah, yeah, I know... I posted about Chocolate Candy on Friday, The Pillsbury Doughboy  yesterday, and more food today. Hey, what else is left that’s so pleasurable? I gave up rollerblading a few months ago when I fell and scared the daylights out of my youngest daughter. I gave up shopping when... long ago. I gave up movies and TV when I became self-employed and had to work all the time. I gave up books when my eyesight went to hell. I gave up men when my supply ran out. But food is still good. Not that I’ve taken up cooking again or anything, but a nice ham and cheese sandwich on rye with mustard brings a smile to my face! And so does pizza, Hunan pork, Mom’s spaghetti sauce, crockpot chili, and a bite of chocolate for dessert. Food Fight The history of 20th century warfare, in food form. To keep the characters straight, go here. Seven strange and wonderful dishes. Hey, if two foods are good, wouldn't t ...

The Pillsbury Doughboy
2008-03-30 06:18:37
When this post first came out, I was in the middle of switching this blog to a new host. I had also lost my job only a few days before (hard to believe that's been almost two years). I had no idea how it became as popular as it did, since I didn't know much about tracking at the time, and I was pretty busy besides. But it makes sense. We love these little adorable advertising icons... for a little while. With much repetition, they become annoying. It works for the advertiser. After all, we all know what company the Pillsbury Doughboy pushes, even if we forget his name is Poppin'Fresh. Like all cutesie characters, he's so much more fun when he gets embarrassed, punished, or put in situations you wouldn't expect. Republishing this post will probably cause it to lose its prominent position in Google search, but some of this stuff is funny enough to take another look. Especially since most folks who come here now weren't around two years ago.  Who’s to Blame? I was shock ...

March 29 Links, 2008
2008-03-29 05:13:52
Alex at Neatorama saw my Tech Woes post, and posted it there to ask for suggestions. I got a huge response, and I’m still working my way through the tips. Honestly, I have been living with these computer problems for years, and I only wrote about them because I needed a post intro! But thanks, I appreciate them all. I have recovered Safari, but the typing is still slow. No doubt all the diagnostics people have told me about improved the system’s overall function. The family survived spring break, with the help of relatives who are willing to babysit, although I did have trouble with deadlines on the net. We didn’t do much cleaning -just straightening up the house, although we did get the pond cleaned and stocked. I have twenty new little fishes! I just hope they last a while. BigDog Beta Admit it, when you first saw Boston Dynamics’ BigDog robot, you thought the same thing. This little robot scans the area to find a surfac ...

Chocolate Candy
2008-03-28 05:02:20
One thing that’s just great about Easter coming so early this year is that it marks the end of the “candy” holidays, until Halloween rolls round again. I still haven’t finished the Christmas candy! Oh, I don’t mind throwing out candy canes and gumdrops when they get old, but people who know me (several of them) gave me gifts of fine chocolate, which I enjoy very much. The kids also make sure I get the best chocolates out of any goodie bags they receive at holiday or birthday parties. Then yesterday I noticed the grocer still had some chocolate bunnies... at 60% discount! Yes, I’m guilty. I bought one. I HAVE to start a regular exercise regimen, if only in order to keep eating my precious chocolate. JAPP Chocolate Energy Bar (via Bits and Pieces) Survival of the Fittest M&M. Can you believe a 99% cocoa bar? That might be too much of a good thing. A closer l ...

Nerds
2008-03-27 05:06:00
I love nerds. I could sit and listen to a nerd talk for hours, even the parts I don't understand. Maybe its just part of my obsession with observing human behavior. More than once I've been called a nerd myself, but I'm too people-connected (touchy-feely) to qualify under most definitions. In 1988, I joined a Mac club based in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. The nerdiest guys on the planet. Think nuclear physicists who want to learn how to draw cartoons on their computers. I was there for hours before they realized there was a WOMAN in their club. In college, I dated this nerd who was working on a PhD in molecular genetics. His idea of a good time was sneaking me into the biolab at Mizzou to show me his electron microscope. He was NOT being euphemistic. Fun, but I just couldn't get past the bad breath. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be now if I'd just given him some altoids. White and Nerdy -Weird Al Yankovic Do you think you might be a nerd? Try this test to fi ...

Automobiles
2008-03-26 05:03:09
The time is here that I weigh the cost of driving to the convenience store up the hill for $3.50 milk as compared to driving two miles to the supermarket to buy $3 milk. I think about the cost-benefit ratio of taking my kids to see their grandmother (the one who lives 17 miles away). That’s just sad. Gone are the days when we’d joyride around the countryside for hours on lunch money. The car would break down a few times before we got home, but that was back when a teenager could fix a car with a few tools (and a coat hanger and duct tape). And vacation? If we go to any of our normal getaway spots this year, the gas will cost more than the hotel! Still, I don’t mind sticking close to home... my friends are all here on the internet anyway! How to Beat High Gas Prices How far can you go after the gas light in your car comes on? At Tank on Empty you can check your car model’s performance, add information, or submit a story ...

Military Pilots
2008-03-25 05:12:30
If it weren’t for flight training in the armed forces, we probably wouldn’t have pilots for the commercial airlines I post about so often. We may not have had any astronauts for the Mercury or Apollo missions, either. And we wouldn’t have Top Gun, either! Military pilots are the real cowboys of the modern world. There’s a reason Chuck Yeager was included in the collage I made for the Manly Men post. It takes a lot of balls to break the sound barrier, or fly deep into enemy territory, or land on an aircraft carrier. Aircraft carriers may look big, but don’t compare them to boats. Compare then to airport runways, and that’s when you realize how tiny they are! Anyone who’s ever had to land on one gets my respect automatically.    Air Drops To operate in the world of the military pilot, you have to understand the language. Here’s a glossary of definitions, lies, and universal truths ...

Tech Woes
2008-03-24 05:02:51
Over time I find myself becoming more and more of a geek, but only in relation to what I started out as. I’ll never understand the inner workings of real programming. If I did, I wouldn’t be so baffled many gremlins in my own machine. My word processor takes fits. I will type a sentence (and I’m not the world’s fastest typist) and then sit back and wait while one by one the letters appear on the screen. It may take thirty seconds or so for my words to appear. No one can figure this out. No matter what browser I use, I cannot paste URLs into a link field at Blogger or Moveable Type. At Wordpress, I can paste in using rich text, but not html mode. I can at Squarespace in Foxfire versions 1.4 and 3, but not version 2. I can't have Safari ever again because I for some reason don't have Safari now. I always manage to come up with problems no one has heard of before. If I were a geek, I’d be spending all my time casting out demons or whatever it is they do. ...

Easter Sunday
2008-03-23 05:16:29
Christ the Redeemer. Image by iko. Light blogging today. I'm celebrating the Son Rise. Deacon Blue talks about 11 frightened men. What would you have done if you were one of the disciples?A song dedication at Simply Left Behind. Inspiration from The Happy Catholic. Poopie is counting her blessings.Barbara has a message of love. Thought for today: The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." -Matthew 28 Previously at Miss Cellania: He's Alive!Jesus Christ Easter resurrection holiday ...

March 22 Links, 2008
2008-03-22 05:09:40
Tragedy struck the family this week. Remember the new pets I told you about in the Menagerie post? They both died, only two days apart. I posted the story and their eulogies here. Now the kids are on Spring Break for ten days. Ten. Days. Straight. While I’m trying to work from home. Y’all need to pray for me. We are participating in Discardia, a holiday that was “invented” five years ago, but I’ve always known it as “Spring Cleaning”. Unpack the summer clothes, pack away the winter clothes. Sort all into keep, sell, and giveaway. Pick up all the garbage in the forest and garden. Trim the flower garden. Clean and stock the pond. Sort, price, and pack yard sales items. Scrub the porch. Pot up a ton of tomato and pepper seedlings. Clean the house. Keep the kids busy, fed, and occupied. And do my regular work. Oh boy. Hamlet is Back And he is not happy. When you need an instant cast for your movie, marshmallow ...

Sports Center
2008-03-21 05:05:56
It’s NCAA tournament time! I used to keep up with such things in the 90s, back when Kentucky was worth following, but as they’ve let their guard down, so have I. I don’t have enough material to do a post entirely on the tournament itself, or even basketball, so I lumped some other sports funnies together for you. But if you’re really into the NCAA, here’s some number crunching on the brackets. And some betting advice. Read and consider these NCAA Tournament Pitfalls to Avoid. And watch out for the 6 Characters Who Ruin Every NCAA Office Pool. Dikembe Mutombo (via Metafilter) Do you like tennis? (via Bits and Pieces) The 11 Worst Sports Uniforms. Pretty ugly all around. (via Dump Trumpet) The Ten Best Names in Hockey. (via Look at This) A fifth-grader who belongs in the NBA. Or better yet, the Harlem Globetrotters! Moments in Sports #6. A collection of funny photo ...

Easter Eggs
2008-03-20 05:08:00
Easter resembles Christmas in that it is a most sacred holiday which has been associated with secular symbolism, the purpose of which is to get people to celebrate it. Of course, the modern motivation is to sell candy. Yes, when the church established an Easter celebration, pagan rites of spring and the earth's renewal became intertwined with the religious celebration, and has been ever since. What could symbolize spring and renewal better than an egg? Maybe cute baby animals, of which there are plenty in Easter symbolism. Of course, this year Easter is so early, you may be hiding your eggs in the snow! Peep Jousting Peeps are a joke in themselves. They are supposed to be some kind of candy, but they never seemed soft or tasty enough for me to consider them anything but decoration. Human ingenuity has found many other uses for peeps! Heaps of Peeps. How people use Peeps to illustrate ...almost anything. All you need to know about peeps can be found at Peep ...

UFOs
2008-03-19 05:13:04
Is it insanity to hold two opposing beliefs at the same time? The US government is spending so much money to send space probes into the vast unknown with messages of peace, but conspiracy theorists believe they covered up an actual alien landing in the middle of the 20th century. Let me get this straight... you put the lime in the coconut and... no, wait, they believe that the government not only covered up an alien landing, but they also faked the Apollo moon missions? How does this make any sense? Our government agencies do a terrible job at covering up things that would actually make them look bad! By the way, Mythbusters is going to tackle that fake moon landing theory on April 25th. I’ll be watching!   Chad Hates Aliens Strange Things Seen on Mars. Alien Intercourse. (via Everlasting Blort) How to Talk to Girls at Parties, by Neil Gaiman. The Flying Sau ...

Green Beer and Leprechauns
2008-03-17 05:34:28
This greeting is from JibJab. There is another generator, from Irish Spring, that lets you put yourself into an Irish scene for St. Pats Day. I made a version for YesButNoButYes and another for Neatorama. You can create your  own here. Happy St. Patricks Day! No, you don’t have to be Irish to celebrate, but you can claim Irish descent for the day just like everyone else does. I don’t know why we bother, since we celebrate Chinese new year without being Chinese, and Mardi Gras without being Catholic, and Cinco de Mayo without knowing what it means. But it’s fun to wear your one green shirt and ask everyone to kiss you because 1). you’re Irish, and 2) you’ve had a lot of green beer and you’re ready to kiss anyone. How to write an Irish Drinking Song Ten Fun and Interesting Facts about Ireland. An estimated 40% of Americans can claim some sort of Irish heritage, so you may as well learn something about it ...

March 15 Links 2008
2008-03-15 05:37:49
This week I’ve been under a spam attack. Some bot is posting references to each and every post on this site multiple times for multiple products. It may go on a long time, since a machine can’t be told that the stuff will never ever actually be published on this site. But it wastes my time deleting email announcements for every incident, and cleaning out my spamcatcher daily. But it was a decent week altogether. The best meme I’ve ever been tagged with comes from Saskboy. I’ll make up my own rules and say it’s allowed for me to skip this one. If Kentucky goes communist, well, I live close to a border. I skip memes a lot, although I shouldn’t, because I once responded to a meme and got a job out of it. Sweet Home Alabama (via Cynical-C) The Leningrad Cowboys (from Finland) and the Red Army Choir perform Sweet Home Alabama. It’s a small world after all. Acrobats and contortionists from the Great Chinese ...

Languages
2008-03-14 05:27:24
So often I get comments or emails from people from around the world who say “Excuse me, my English is not good...” and all I can respond with is “Your English is much better than my German (or Portuguese, or Chinese, or whatever).” The rest of the world should be commended on learning several languages as if its the most normal thing in the world. And maybe it is. The biggest drawback of English becoming the world’s default language is that most native English speakers never learn anything else. I was reminded of this again recently when Mark Boyle gave up his quest to walk to India without any money. He made it as far as the other side of the English Channel. In Calais, he found that the people spoke French and did not understand him! They thought he was a freeloader! Of course, they were right. Not only a freeloader, but one who expected everyone else in the world to speak more languages than he does. Ken Lee (via Arbroath ...

Porcupine or Hedgehog
2008-03-13 05:06:00
I started writing about porcupines because of the overly cute photo to the left of baby porcupines. I soon found out that porcupines are much more of a joke subject in England than in the US. Apparently on the other side of the pond, hedgehogs are famous roadkill, somewhat in the way we regard possums. We Yanks really don't care who hogs our hedges. A Pork-You-Pine is sorta like a pig with pine needles, see? Always go with the overly simplistic. And we avoid porcupines as much as possible, while the British will even adopt a hedgehog. Then, since I wrote this intro a couple of years ago, I found out that hedgehogs and porcupines aren't even related! Baby Porcupine Eats Bananas Anyway, the jokes I found were all British, a little hard for Americans to understand. I consulted Wulfweard the White (who knows everything) about hedgehogs. So please read the following with a British accent: St Tiggy-winkles is an animal sanctuary in Britain originally set up to care for sick hedge ...

Philosophers
2008-03-12 05:09:05
We all stop and ponder the meaning of life every once in a while. Then most of us just get back to the process of living it. Those who became famous by pondering the meaning of life (and everything else) had quite a bit going for them, not the least of which is the time to devote to such higher thought. You can spend years and years just slogging away at earning a living, raising kids, and dealing with everyday stuff, then all the sudden something happens to make you stop and say “Life’s too short to waste any more of it!” Right then and there, another philosopher is born. When it happens, you’ll probably build yourself a better life, but don’t count on anyone listening to your insights. xkcd says it well. If you defy the odds and become a famous philosopher, be ready to find yourself the butt of a joke eventually! International Philosophy Championship by Monty Python (via Withinsight) Who is your favorite ...

Musicians
2008-03-11 05:18:46
My husband was a professional musician. He played bass guitar, and made a decent living at it until recorded music drove most local musicians out of work. Afterwards, he played when there were jobs and gave lessons. I heard every bass player joke there was, over and over, for years. When I read about why some Memphis musician switched to the electric bass in the 50s, I believed every word. See, traveling musicians were in rather low regard for most of history (is it any different now?), so they tried to get in and out of town without drawing too much attention. A bass fiddle wouldn’t fit inside a vehicle, and they had to strap it to the top of a car. A bass guitar, on the other hand, could be hidden. No respect at all. Freestyle Tuba (via Gorilla Mask) Oystein Baadsvik plays tuba like you’ve never seen before. Musical instruments mashed up via Photoshop. Make Yoda play the drums. My mouse worked to do this, but keyboar ...

Wake Up!
2008-03-10 05:01:10
Yesterday, you may have told yourself that Daylight Saving Time is no big deal, but that was Sunday. Today is the day you have to drag yourself out of bed before daylight, an hour earlier biologically than you are used to. It ain’t easy, is it? I am normally a morning person -always have been. Being at work at 5AM was never a problem, until I had children to supervise. Even now, I try to get as much work done as I can before they wake up. The real work starts when they need to get up. By 7AM, the public school kids are already waiting for the bus (half an hour ride, get to school on time to eat breakfast before class starts 15 minutes earlier than parochial school). My kids will sleep through any alarm clock and any yelling on my part. I have to drag them from slumber, drag them out of bed, drag them into their clothing, and drag them to the car to get to school by eight. All this after they are in bed every night at nine! Credit goes to Cyriak for the perfect title picture. ...

Sleep
2008-03-09 06:03:00
Insomnia is a way of life for me. This site was born out of insomnia. I'm even starting to get a reputation for it. Hoss thinks I stay up too late when I'm actually getting up too early. Sometimes. Other times I haven't been to sleep at all! But even with just three or four hours of sleep, I cannot keep a regular schedule. I could be up at 1AM for six nights straight, then the ONE night I get the 1AM phone call that I've been waiting for, I'll be sound asleep and cause unneccessary embarassment on the part of the caller. As we say in these parts, "can't win for losing." I figured Saylight Savings Time would be a good time to rerun this post. Why did they have to start it so early? Because research shows DST saves energy, as we don't have to turn on the lights early in the evening. That might makes sense in the summer, but it's still winter! There's not enough daylight to go around, no matter how you shhuffle it. And so we all lose an hour of sleep this weekend, and won't get ...

March 8 Links 2008
2008-03-08 18:44:42
Somehow, I made Reuters this week with a post on YesButNoButYes that was linked on Neatorama, then picked up by reddit, StumpleUpon, Plime, and who knows what else. When I first posted the M*A*S*H piece, no one read it. At all. For a month. I felt bad at the time, because I put a lot of work into it. It just goes to show, an investment will pay off sooner or later, and usually when you least expect it. I don’t know if the same can be said about Daylight Savings Time. It starts earlier than ever this year -tonight! Set your clocks forward an hour when you go to bed tonight, or at 2AM Sunday if you don’t go to bed before that. It’s really a waste of time to do this before the vernal equinox. It just means getting up an hour before daylight every day for another month. Let Me In After five years in development, you just might be able to see The Onion Movie this year. Universally Accessible Treehouses. Forever Young Treehouses ...

Menagerie
2008-03-07 06:09:08
We’ve gained a few more pets here at Chez Cellania. My mother thought maybe the new parakeet Star wouldn’t be so psychotic if he had a companion. So we visited the pet shop, where the store keeper showed us a “vanilla” parakeet. He was referring to the color, but it stuck, and Vanilla is the name of the new addition. He told us he’s pretty sure Star is a boy and Vanilla is a girl. Star wasn’t too impressed. He’s made it clear that he prefers to look at the bird in the mirror instead of Vanilla. And she’d better not venture onto his half of the main perch! So we took away his mirrors, temporarily. He’s not happy (yet), but he seems to be much calmer than when he was alone. Gothgirl also got a new pet. Meet Mr. McShellshell, the hermit crab. Although his name may be changed now. We bought a second hermit crab and an aquarium with proper sand after this photo was taken, and now she wants to name them simply Crabby and Patty. Ma ...

HubLove Update
2008-03-06 22:43:50
Yesterday, I hosted a "clue" to figure out for the folks at HubLove. It only took a few minutes for HubPage fans to figure out that the answer was "music". Then they went to writing articles onthe subject of music. Today, we announce the winner for the best article on music. That winner is  Music Appreciation for the Deaf by Marye Audet. Well-researcheed and well-written -you should follow the link and read it yourself. The runner-up is The Evolution of Music in Movies by helenathegreat. It's an interesting rundown of cinema music history. Congratulations to today's winners, and good luck to all of you in the HubLove contest! ...

Automotive
2008-03-06 06:27:00
You can look at what I drive and tell I'm not car-proud. At least not right now. I drive a green minivan with a banged-up fender. It screams Mamamobile. A far cry from my '66 MG Midget, my '72 Karmann Ghia, or my '88 Toyota Supra. See, I always believed that if you're going to get an old car, you may as well get an awesome old car. Once the kids are old enough to drive themselves, the minivan is history. I'll be cruisin in my midlife crisis car (it would be my third crisis by then), maybe a Jaguar. More likely, a Miata. Who am I kidding? In my dreams! Car Soccer Have you ever seen a "Pinto Pelt"? (Thanks, Kirby!) Take a virtual drive through San Francisco or Seattle. Traffic Scratch ad. Longest car in the world. drivers who are mean to old ladies shall receive their comeuppance. I'm a Porsche Boxster! You're stylish, nimble, and good-looking. When it comes to having fun, there are few who can surpass you. And yet, you suffer from a lingering inferiority complex ...

HubLove!
2008-03-05 21:00:02
Yep, you've found it!The folks at HubPages asked me to host the clue for today in their Hub Love contest. I'm pretty much game for anything, so here it is... Welcome, participants in the HubLove contest at HubPages! Here is today's clue: First Letters: 4th Prime, 1st Markov, 1st Perfect, 5th Pell, 4th Hofstadter-Q --> Understanding the creation of matter should be part of children's education in physics. Be sure to leave your guess at the Hub for this clue, not here at Miss Cellania. No, I don't understand it, but I don't have to! If I were competing, I'd go to the contest site and find out all the particulars. If you are here for the first time because you are participating in the contest, why don't you bookmark Miss Cellania and come back when you've gotten your guess for today done? I've got jokes, videos, and links to other fascinating sites, focusing on a different subject each day. In the past week, I've covered Invisibility, Libraries, Classic TV, Ge ...