Miss Cellania Details

Big Cats
2007-07-20 18:50:01
Ah, aren’t they magnificent? You have to admire those huge, endangered carnivores of the feline family. No pussyfooting around here! I searched for lion jokes, and got a bunch of Michigan sports jokes. I searched for tiger jokes, and got more of the same, plus golf jokes. I searched for panther jokes, and got pages of sites that explained why the Pink Panther movie with Steve Martin was not funny. My search for cougar jokes returned stories about cars and sexy older women. And all the cheetah jokes seemed to be about chimpanzees! But I found some things that might make you gasp or giggle today. Cheetah Pooping A litter of baby cheetah cubs. A 100-meter race on a grass track pitting the world's fastest land mammal, the cheetah, against one of Africa's fastest human beings. The Neatorama trifecta: Leopard in the Bed, Cheetah in the Car, and Lion in the Tub. Looking for my Leopard. (Thanks, Bill!) A rare Sumatran tiger foiled poac ...

Fat
2007-07-19 06:02:53
A recent study showed that Americans are no longer the tallest people (on average) in the world. But we are still growing... it’s just out instead of up. The “battle of the bulge” is something most of us deal with at one time or another in our lives. I’m struggling with weight, too. I got so tired of the bad vibes I got from my scales that I threw them out. The mirror is bad enough! Seriously, there are some things we should do to help bring the obesity rate down, like getting serious with school lunches, advertising targeted to children, sports and recreational opportunities, and designing neighborhoods for walking instead of driving. But meanwhile, let's have a little entertainment about our shared predicament. Friends of the Earth (Thanks, Peter!) Fat Man’s website. (via Grow-A-Brain) My boss thinks he breaks all these chairs because he’s fat. (via Gorilla Mask) How fat is your country? &l ...
Fat

Baseball
2007-07-18 06:04:14
Since its so hot, the kids and I go out at night, which often includes a stop at the baseball diamond to watch the Little League players. This is new for them, so I spent several games explaining everything that went on in fine detail... for me, since I’m no baseball expert. We cheer for whoever hits or catches the ball, and the girls say they are rooting for whoever is wearing the preferred color that night. Every year I say I’m going to take them to a Lexington Legends game just to show them what pro ball is sorta like (like I would know), but I never get around to it. If we drive all the way to Lexington, we end up eating Indian food and shopping for clothes. But there’s always someday. Mangling the National Anthem (Thanks, Jan!) Baseball’s All-Time Fattest Slobs. The ultimate collectible! For $299.00, you can have a baseball not only autographed by Pete Rose, but also sporting a handwritten apology! This ch ...
Baseball

Breasts
2007-07-17 06:06:49
Now there’s a search term that ought to bring in traffic! And why not? I’ve done posts on so many other body parts that I started a category for anatomy. I mean really, they are just body parts. Why do they hold so much power over men? Is it because they don’t have them? Or because they don’t see them all day every day? No, that couldn't be it, some see them everyday and are still obsessed... Women look at breasts in a utililtarian, matter-of-fact way. We’re attached to them, but we are more than our breasts, believe it or not. They become a focal point when you are breastfeeding. We’d like to hold onto them as long as we can. We worry about how much to show. But they’re just another body part, well, two parts, right? Don't Stare Boys Damn Interesting pun-filled article on why women have breasts. 'Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can't concentrate on the traffic. If ...

Weather
2007-07-16 06:09:54
Some weather we’ve been having, dontcha think? Jamie Dawn’s had some gully warshers. Konagod in Texas has talked about rain all through June. Skunkfeathers is waiting for a tornado to chase down. Homo Escapeons has disappeared because of great weather. Here in my town, we went about six weeks without rain! Oh, it rained in the next towns over a little, but my yard was always bypassed. The upside is that I’ve only mowed once since the middle of May (and that was precautionary before I went out of town). The downside is that my grass is brown, and I’ve spent a lot of time watering my vegetables. The A/C went out, too. Then just last week, we got a 36-hour good steady shower. It started as the kids and I were out roller skating downtown after dark. We were so happy, we rolled out on Main Street and soaked in it! Jon Stewart looks at the weather. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by ...
Weather

Mars and Venus: Woman Things
2007-07-15 06:01:00
Presented for your perusal, another chapter in the continuing Mars and Venus series. This one was rushed into production to equalize the universe after the last post, Mars and Venus: Man Things. After all, I am an equal-opportunity offender. We do have the ability to laugh at ourselves!(2007 update) I almost scrapped this post, since I got called out at Neatorama yesterday for being sexist... for pointing out something did not reinforce a stereotype of women! I've spent decades defying stereotypes (especially the one that says women are too sensitive), and here I am reprinting jokes that some may think perpetuate such myths. But then, just about all my readers know that, and know that these jokes are taking things to the ridiculous extreme. Besides, I made fun of male stereotypes last week, so I'm evening things out a bit here. What women say and what they MEAN ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they ...
Mars Venus Woman

July 14 Links
2007-07-14 06:07:54
Since I really don’t want to talk about my own dull life, I’ll fill you in on some things going on with other bloggers. Lindsey at Suburban Turmoil is now working for Parents.com with a blog called The Blender, about blended families. Check it out! Scaramouch (YesButNoButYes webmaster) and Cindy welcomed new baby Lily Grace. She’s lucky to have a nice name! Clueless in Carolina has a lovely timeshare for sale, for the last week of September every year. There are a ton of other bloggers I need to catch up on; I just don’t know where the time goes! Yes, I do, but I’m going to try to get better organized. Sometime. The French Taunter, Lego Version (via YesButNoButYes) You’re not supposed to park there! You are Doing it Wrong. (via Grow-A-Brain) From a private detective company: 36 things every guy should know before he cheats. I wish I’d had that for the Cheating post earlier this week. Winky Tiki. Y ...
Links

Tech Fun
2007-07-13 07:15:35
First off, today is Friday the Thirteenth. I have a collection of links, videos, and jokes on the subject at this post. Since I’ve been doing this blog thing, my results on the geek test have gone from about 43% to 77%. What happened? I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also learned that I have far, far to go to understand computers and the geeks who really understand them. I’m still more of a user than a geek, but I’m slowly making my way there. People who really know what’s going on inside this magic machine inpress the hell out of me. Just because I make fun of them sometimes means nothing! These jokes mean nothing! But you might get a kick out of them if you’re in the right frame of mind. (See, you never know when I might need to be rescued by a geek -it’s happened before, and I know it will happen again.) The Computer Monster 1967 By 1984, Cookie Monster was learning about the Computer. ...
Fun

Chemistry
2007-07-12 06:04:11
Chemistry was one of the two classes in high school that scared just about everyone (the other was trigonometry). But my father insisted on more science, less vocational training, so there I was. It wasn’t so bad, since the class was very small. I looked forward to blowing things up! And we did! My teacher was a woman who was so well-liked that she was elected mayor a few years later (when she had enough former students of voting age). We learned as much math as anything else, computing atomic weights and moles and stuff. I never quite “got” the periodic table, at least not as well as some folks I know, but I know enough to appreciate how fascinating chemistry can be. And if I want to, I know how to blow stuff up. The Periodic Table of Rock If you thought the periodic table was just for elements, you haven’t seen nothin’ yet! People have adapted this fine chart for use in classifying food, drinks, music, and more. Su ...

Beer Jokes
2007-07-11 06:01:11
The three-year-old beer I referred to in an earlier post has gone into the great big composting bin for my garden. I’m sure the vermin who live there were very happy. It confused the neighbor’s dogs, who couldn’t find the source of that awful smell after the liquid settled in amongst the tons of grass clippings. Thanks for all the suggestions, and apologies to those who mourned the wastefulness. I hope you enjoy today’s beer funnies. Beer Ad you won’t see on TV (via Bits and Pieces) Beers around the world. Beer gelatin for dessert. A Guide to Beer for Non-Beer Drinkers. (via Look at This) J-Walk is vacationing in Finland, where he found another use for beer. The Beer Song -Lego Version (via YesButNoButYes) Lords of the Drunk Sleeping Beauties. When the weather is hot, can a combination popsicle and beer be the perfect treat ...
Beer Jokes

Cheating
2007-07-10 06:02:31
Oh, yeah, it’s easy for me to make jokes about cheating! It’s hard to cheat, or be cheated on, when you are unmarried and unattached. And can’t even get a date. When you are in my position, you marvel at how anyone can actually get TWO people to pay attention to you, much less have sex with you. Or in some cases, more than two people. That doesn’t make it right, it just makes it out of my league. Like some of the other subjects I've covered, cheating, affairs, adultery and such can be funny, as long as it’s happening to someone else. Especially someone you don’t care about. Like the fictional characters you’ll meet here today. Automated Confession (via The Rain in Spain) The Checkmate Semen Detection Kit is not a joke. For $49.95, you can have your wife or daughter’s underpants tested. Creepy. If you’re going to do DNA tests to see if your spouse is cheating, you might not ...
Cheating

World Travel
2007-07-09 06:04:02
My mother the globetrotter is packing for a three-week tour of the UK (again), so I’ll be without my relief and emergency babysitter for a while. She’s been all over Europe, North America, and Africa, but I haven’t yet talked her into an Asian trip... probably because the girls and I would want to go with her. You really get to know someone when you travel to new places with them, and she knows me well enough to veto that ahead of time. But she’s a great traveler. I think she’s the only one on her tour who had no problem getting a passport on time. It’s because she updates hers a year before it expires. Not erveryone is so well prepared. How to Scare Tourists. Around the World in Twelve Songs with Boowa and Kwala. Tastes of Tasmania. I didn’t know Tasmania was known for its food, but this makes me want to visit! If you don’t speak the language, you can point to the symbols on this shirt t ...
Travel

Mars and Venus: Man Things
2007-07-08 06:10:00
Gender differences have always fascinated me. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another chapter in a recurring series. Now, before you read the rest of this, remember I LOVE men. I would even like to have one. Soon as I collect enough jokes on women, I will post the companion piece to this one (submissions welcome). So take these as they are intended, just plain fun. IF MEN RULED THE WORLD Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were goi ...
Mars Venus

July 7 Links
2007-07-07 06:04:21
The July 4th holiday was pretty much yanked out from under me. It’s my fault for not checking the local paper (I don’t subscribe). I didn’t consider they might have the municiple fireworks on Tuesday instead of Wednesday. Probably due to church services. I can almost understand why they’d move Halloween Trick or Treat away from Wednesday, but fireworks? They don’t start until dark, and no prayer meetings (at least here intown) run that late! But Tuesday at nightfall, the booming started. And my kids were at my mother’s house in a different town. Oh well, I had some backyard fountains and sparklers we could use on the Fourth. But no, they got invited to stay with their cousins, since this was the most convenient week for that. I packed their bags and sent the fireworks, and watched the Macy’s fireworks at home alone. Sigh. Note to bloggers: If you link to this site, I certainly appreciate it. If you link to this site using the URLs http://miss ...
Links

Elephant Tales
2007-07-06 06:04:13
Elephants are a way of life in my house. Gothgrrl fell for elephants the first time she saw Dumbo. When she found out they were symbolic of her native India, it only reinforced her interest. Now she has dozens of stuffed elephants, dozens of tiny elephant knicknacks, elephant jewelry, and elephant art on her walls, including some she painted herself, tapestries, adn depictions of Ganesh. No matter what store we walk into, she seems to have a radar that detects elephants for sale. And no fair or circus comes to town without Gothgrrl buying an elephant ride. And you know what? They smell bad up close. Especially after giving rides to kids all day at the fair. But they still make me smile. Elephant Soccer Trunk show: elephant fashions. Elephants helped to clean up the New Orleans Zoo after Katrina. LOLephant, from Archie’s Archive. Elephant insemination. Not a job I’d want to try. A baby elephant is born ...
Elephant

Harry Potter
2007-07-05 06:04:46
Harry Potter fans are trembling in anticipation of the seventh and final book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which will be released July 21st, and the fifth movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which will be released July 13. Does it shock you that I haven’t read any of the books, or seen any of the movies? Does that make me a Muggle? Or just a clueless old woman? Of course, that doesn’t stop me from making fun of it, because I’ll make fun of just about anything. But I also have a lot of respect for any author or character that can get kids this interested in reading. My youngest daughter has read the first book, and wants the second. She’d prefer to just watch the movies, but she has to read the books first. Fortunately, she seems quite willing to do it. Sweet. SNL does Harry Potter J.K.Rowling’s official site. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix official website. Why yo ...
Harry Potter

Fireworks
2007-07-04 06:06:06
Happy Independence Day, all you Americans! For this year’s holiday post, I decided to focus almost entirely on fireworks, with the exception of the Star Spangled Banner at the end of this post. For more varied links, plus several places you can find virtual fireworks, you can consult last year’s post on the Fourth of July. For your holiday music, check out nine versions of Stars and Stripes Forever, including one with the words, and one on hand fart. Right here, you can enjoy fireworks, watching a video or reading up on them before dark, which is when the fireworks start. When I had a radio job, I'd be spending all day answering the phone and it was always the same "What time do the fireworks start?" 9:30. "That's kinda late, isn't it?" Duh, that's when it's dark! You want fireworks before sunset? You'd think everyone would know by now... there are fireworks displays on every neighborhood, right in the middle of the streets, every night from dark t ...
Fireworks

Asshole
2007-07-03 06:13:33
You don’t have to be afraid of this post. I don’t have any Goatse links, and it’s not about sex (at least not much). You may looked at the title and thought, “being one or having one?” This is about a bit of both, but mainly about being one. We all know our share of assholes, particularly bosses, ex-husbands, and other drivers on the road. Most of us can be one, at least occasionally, although we won’t confront it or admit it. And then it is a body part, too, isn’t it? Meet the Fockers -Baby’s First Word Vonnegut’s Asshole. Despite what you may think from the title, this is not just scatological humor. Author Eric Spitzhagel’s latest project is to showcase how various authors view their own assholes. He invited writers to make a sketch and submit it. The idea came from Kurt Vonnegut’s infamous asshole doodle, which first appeared in his brilliant novel Breakfast of Champions. Repost: Molecules with silly ...

Redneck Sense
2007-07-02 06:06:01
I’ve discussed the difference between rednecks and hillbillies before; I’m not going to go over it again. But us “poor rural folk” of all stripes are really good at at least one thing... recycling. For example, a sophisticated middle-class person would find that a bucket had a leak and they’d toss it. I saved my leaky buckets, and now that we have a drought, I put them in the vegetable garden and fill them with water to make a drip irrigation system. My sophisticated counterpart would buy a soaker hose. In fact, my garden is a horrendous masterpiece of recycling. My mulch is a conglomeration of leftover vinyl siding, plastic sheeting, and newspapers, with pine needles on top. My tomato trellises are made of pipes and rebar. My peppers are supported by funeral flower stands. Of course, some take this a bit further, like using tires for flower beds and non-working autos for lawn ornaments. Not me, I have to draw the line somewhere! Redneck Wome ...
Sense

Little Boys
2007-07-01 06:01:00
Just ask anyone who has both boys and girls, there is a world of difference between them from the day of birth. My family had three little girls in a row. Then my nephew was born , and all the parental knowledge my generation had gleaned was tossed on its ear. I recently read an essay where a mother (an engineer) calculated that her son was 15.3 times as likely to do something extremely dangerous as her daughter... at age 16 months! So lets take a look at the world of little boys. THINGS TO LEARN AND REMEMBER 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft . house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint ...

June 30 Links
2007-06-30 06:02:32
News Flash: Congratulations to Scaramouch (webmaster at YesButNoButYes) and Cindy on the arrival of their littlest blogger, born at 1:00AM today! Boy or girl? He didn’t say, but you can see a picture here. You probably haven't noticed (there's no reason you should) that I haven't posted "May's Best Links" or "June's Best Links". That idea was useful in its time, but now it is way too much trouble. I started doing it to make finding old links in the archives easier (mainly for myself). But now I finally have the archives in this blog almost cleaned up, sorted, and categorized. Near the top of the right sidebar, you'll see "Topics". That takes you to an alphabetical listing of post titles. I try to begin a title with the topic, but it doesn't work that way every time. Way down on the sidebar, under "Archives", you can get posts by month or category (such as "cats" or "Star Wars"). So if you need so ...
Links

Little Furballs
2007-06-29 06:08:20
I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to convince my kids that we don’t need any more pets. Gothgrrl thinks a home with two cats would be a perfect place for mice, hamsters, and birds. I’m not telling her we have plenty of mice in the basement. Ha! Enough is enough. But I still like to look at cute little furballs, as long as I don’t have to clean up after them! You get pictures in your email every day full of sweet little animals that make you go “awww”. I’ve got more of those, and some that are not-so-sweet. I hope you’ll enjoy them. Mocha the baby hamster loves his broccoli! (via Arbroath) If that’s not cute overload, I don’t know what is. You can see Mocha as a three-day-old in this video. You’ve seen the dramatic prairie dog. Now keep up with all the imitations, remixes, and merchandise with the Dramatic Prairie Dog Blog! Although it only gets updated every few months, Lets Be Frie ...

Traffic Problems
2007-06-28 06:09:41
People worry about shark attacks, but shouldn’t. People worry about terrorist attacks, but the odds are still extremely low. Lots of folks are afraid of flying, but it’s still one of the safest methods of travel. Of all the things we should worry about, driving ranks up there at the top. If you aren’t elderly, it’s the mostly likely way to die. Yet we jump in our vehicles and roar around like we own the roads and never think about it. We should. I told my kids they will NOT be learning to drive until they know the rules of the road and how to find their way home. And they won’t know those things well until they are tall enough to ride in the front seat (yeah, I’m concerned about airbags, too). So I try to explain traffic to them while we’re in the car, but there are so many things to learn, it’s a wonder I ever learned them! I mainly reinforce the basics. Rule #1: do not hit anything with your car. Rule #2: avoid getting hit by other cars ...
Traffic

Older Women
2007-06-27 06:05:06
They say (and you know “they” are always right) that at a certain age, a woman has to choose between her face and her butt. What that means is that you either gain weight, or show your wrinkles. Plumper women look younger, but they also look plumper. Then eventually comes a time when it all goes downhill. It’s not so bad if you have a man by your side whose eyesight is going downhill at the same rate, but there are way too many of us facing the calendar alone. The problem is that by the time a woman is wise enough to know how to be happy AND make a man happy, the men are all married, dead, or out chasing twentysomethings. There’s a reason it was your mother who told you life ain’t fair. The Math of Love. (via Gorilla Mask) The Blue Thong Society shows us what turning 50 SHOULD be like! Its sorta like the Red Hat Society for Baby Booomers. Rant: Middle Aged Women complaining about sex! Here's the 20-40-6 ...
Women

Vacation Trip
2007-06-26 06:09:20
My vacation trip to the beach was an adventure. We started out by putting some air in a tire that I had recently checked, but looked low. 300 miles later, it blew. Some good Samaritans (good-looking, too) on Harleys changed the tire for us (which I could have done, but it would have taken me an hour). New tire purchase at the next exit, so we were only a couple hours behind schedule. I should count my blessings that I didn’t have to drive the entire 650 miles. The last 30 miles I got to ride... in a tow truck! Yes, we were making our way through the wildlife refuge west on Manteo when the fuel pump died. “Wildlife refuge” meant no houses, no businesses, very little shoulder area, and a swamp full of the nastiest bugs you’ve ever seen. Thank you, God, for cellphones. One of my traveling companions had roadside assistance insurance, so we got hold of a nationwide call center who located a tow truck and tried to decipher where we were. The nearest cross stree ...
Trip Vacation

Mathematicians
2007-06-25 06:02:35
A while back I wrote about Accountants, who are baffling to other people because they not only understand math, they use it every day to make a living, because other people either don’t understand it or don’t have the time to devote to it. Mathematicians are accountants squared. And if you don’t get the joke there, you’re not a mathematician. Mathematicians see beauty in numbers, precision, logic, and other stuff that makes our eyes glaze over. I mean really, I haven’t even balanced my checkbook in a year, so you know precision is not my forte (though honestly, that’s due more to fear than incompetence). But I admire mathematicians and their logic. God knows, the world needs more logic. Too bad mathematicians don’t normally run for office. 100 Movies, 100 Quotes, 100 NumbersMovie quotes that count themselves down! Alonzo Mosley of the La-La Land Library took on quite a challenge for his first video project, a parody of &l ...

June 24 Links
2007-06-24 06:07:02
Back from vacation, which is a story waiting to be told, and I will tell it in the next few days. For now, I’ll share just this one tidbit. Thursday was the Summer Solstice, the longest daylight of the year, and I was up early, watching the sunrise over the Atlantic. The first light became visible at 4:30AM! I’m not used to that, since I live on the western edge of the time zone, so daylight and dark are later. In fact, we never see the actual sunrise at the house because of the trees. It was awesome at the beach. BUT... Friday was the longest daylight for us, because we left the coast in the morning, where the sunrise is very early, and traveled to the western edge of the time zone, where summer daylight lasts til around 10PM. Of course, driving hundreds of miles makes the day SEEM longer, too! Daft Hands. Stay with it, it gets better. Washington newsmakers do ABBA in Waterloo. Summer Solstice Celebrations. Talented actor, m ...
Links

Traffic
2007-06-23 06:12:00
Driving the mamamobile is such a way of life that it took a New York City mass transit strike to remind me that there are some places in America where not everyone drives a car. I spend all too much time in the car, ferrying the kids around, getting to work, and driving for hours just to get a good Indian meal. I can still walk downtown, but there's not much to walk to there anymore, thanks to urban sprawl (even in small towns). I once lived within walking distance of my workplace. I didn't move, the job did. Still, I can consider myself lucky to drive only three miles to work. Some folks spend as much time in their cars as they do on the job! And, of course, some folks drive for a living. You are driving the taxi here, but you don't have to drive it well! All commuters, at one time or another, have though they could design a better freeway. Put yourself to the test with Me and The Roads, the Java road-building game. Just how much CAN you cheat when using a toll road? ...
Traffic

Illusions
2007-06-22 06:00:00
Sometimes what you see ain't what you see. Sometimes what you see can make you think you're crazy. Sometimes what you think you see is designed for just that purpose. Who are you gonna believe, me or your lyin' eyes? If you see something you like here, you might want to tell your friends about it. Or link to it. Or Stumble it. Or something that will make me want to hug your neck. If your eyes hurt at the end of this, you can't say I didn't warn you! This little dragon is made of folded paper, but his eyes stay on you as you move around the room. Watch the (somewhat creepy) video and see what I mean! Then you can make your own. Everyone I sent this to said they want one! The famous revolving green dot. Mr Angry and Mr. Calm. Talent show entrant who makes you see things you aren't really seeing. I've posted this before, but it fits with this theme so well, anyone who hasn't seen it deserves another chance. LOTS more illusions. Before you click on a thumbnail ...
Illusions

Babies
2007-06-21 06:08:00
They are cute, they are fun, they are a LOT of work! And they are the source of many amusements for parents, grandparents, other relatives and friends, and some of those who just surf the net. Now that my kids are school age, I can look back on the baby experience and laugh at my own cluelessness. It wasn't so funny at the time! Parenting is so easy when you don't have children. And about the time you become an expert in your baby, she's no longer a baby. Then you have to learn all over again how to parent this older child. Whew! But I had it easy compared to some. Since I never had a newborn, I only changed diapers for one year total out of two kids. And my husband got the pleasure of toilet-training them! Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity ...
Babies

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