Miss Cellania Humor, links, and videos on a different subject each day!

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Bugs and Creepy-Crawlies
2008-05-09 06:08:44
It’s that time of year! Hello, bugs! All it takes is one drop of Koolaid in the floor and every ant and his brother comes to partake. The pond is full of mosquito larvae, and will be until I get a batch of goldfish that don’t immediately die on me. Yard work means turning over rocks and picking up branches that expose a variety of creepy-crawlies. But what you really notice is the caterpillars. A cherry tree next to the pond produces millions of them, and they are everywhere! My porch broom has dozens spinning cocoons. They are stuck between my tomato seedlings. I have to skim them off the surface of the pond. I occasionally see one on the floor. And I found one in my hair one night! I don’t scare easily, but cleaning up squished tent caterpillars is not my idea of fun. That’s the reason you can’t adopt them as pets, kids. Stupid Bee Joke Isabella Rossollini acts out the mating habits of various insects in a vid ...

Odd Cooking
2008-05-08 06:03:00
"Oh no! Miss Cellania has completely run out of ideas, if she's down to posting recipes!" Naw, this is still different. Lately, I've had a lot of fun teaching the kids how to perfectly roast a marshmallow over a bonfire and in the fireplace. We also are trying crystal rock candy, which is a hit-or-miss thing so far. They think that's adventuresome cooking, but they ain't seen nothin yet! What happens when a bunch of geeks, mechanics, and slackers get hungry? I mean, besides calling Mom. If you don�t have a kitchen, you have to use your imagination, or whatever is lying around. There are some pretty resourceful folks out there! Poached Salmon in a dishwasher. Cooking chicken with a volcano. Recipe for chili using a blowtorch. Grilled cheese sandwich made with a steam iron. Prison wine made in a toilet. Beer in a coffeemaker. Almost anything made by solar cooker. How to c ...

Old Movies
2008-05-04 06:05:00
I love old movies! I kinda like new movies, too, except its hard to find time to watch them these days (I'm a single mother). I like the way a movie looks in black and white. So comforting, so cozy. If it's in black and white, you know its good enough to stick around for a while. You know it probably made at least two or three runs in the theaters, years apart. You know it was not released straight to video. I love sitting in the bed, munching on popcorn, and seeing a classic, like Fiddler on the Roof or West Side Story with my daughters. I would love even better to see Casablanca or Mr. Smith Goes to Washington with them, but they can't seem to sit still for black and white (or in the case of Casablanca, sepia tones). The first time they saw The Wizard of Oz, we almost had to tie them down to get them through the first scenes. One of these days, they'll discover what treasures they are missing. Autogene Peter William Holden used umbrell ...

May 3 Links 2008
2008-05-03 06:19:00
Where did the last few months go? All the sudden it’s May and I can hardly believe it. Only four more weeks of school! I have to get the garden planted! And how am I going to handle summer? Today is the annual run for the roses, the Kentucky Derby. So put on your funny hat and mix up a delicious mint julep and we’ll pretend we know a little something about horse racing, even though we only pay attention to it one day out of the year. And even then, it’s just to see what funny names the horses have. But I’ll enjoy the attention my state gets for the day, even though everyone is on the other side of Kentucky from my town. After that, I’ll have to get cracking on the garden, the annual yard sale, and summer camp applications. The Leave Me Alone Box Turn the switch on, and the hand comes out to turn it off. That’s all this machine does! And you can have one of your very own. (via Boing Boing) A Glossary of Rude ...

Fifty Nifty States
2008-05-02 06:17:06
Jokes come in from all over, about places all over. Sometimes there’s enough jokes and links to make fun of a whole state at once, and sometimes I need to combine them, like right now. There’s plenty of ridicule for everyone, no reason to make anyone wait. But it’s all in fun. We have our regional differences, but we get along with each other well enough nowadays. Each state has its charms and its drawbacks, its interesting  and boring places, its own history and notoriety. The states I’ve been to all gave me wonderful memories. I wish I could visit them all! Fifty Nifty United States Karenika is collecting photographs to share the beauty of all 50 states. You can submit a photo from your state! (via Grow-A-Brain) Songs of the 50 States. 50 States in 50 Songs. (via Grow-A-Brain) Strange ...

Creative Proposals
2008-04-30 06:07:22
In the media age, there’s a sort of one-upmanship involved in making your marriage proposal bigger, splashier, and more creative than anything anyone has ever seen before. This can be really nice, especially for those of us who just enjoy it vicariously, whether we know the participants or not. You saw quite of few of those on my previous post on Proposals. If you are the one proposing, you are putting yourself on the line for the entire world to see your humiliation if she says no. If you’re the woman surprised by an elaborate and public proposal, you might be truly touched, or you might want to sink into the floor from embarrassment. Or you might feel pressured into saying “yes” because of the audience when you really want to run for your life. Either way, the rest of us are going to enjoy the show, so keep those wacky proposal ideas coming! Ted and Anna Get Engaged The entire Scrubs cast and crew were in on the surprise. ...

New York
2008-04-28 06:17:43
As some of you may have guessed, New York City fascinates me. I’ve traveled here and there (not as much as I’d like, but more than most people) but New York is the only place that made me want to move there. Being able to walk to a grocery or restaurant holds a lot of charm, but that’s just the beginning. The people come in more than one color. They aren’t all fat. Some are no doubt educated. It shouldn’t be that difficult to connect with people that have interests similar to mine (and to my kids). And don’t tell me about small town culture, because New York has plenty of that, it’s just that they have neighborhood cultures within a big town. But there’s a real problem, that pesky cost of living thing. They say jobs are plentiful, but that means there are plenty of jobs that pay little or nothing for flexible young people with no dependents who can work any shift plus overtime. Because there are plenty of people willing to work for ...

Monkeys and Apes
2008-04-27 06:01:00
It doesn't take much for me to start riffing on a subject. I was looking for Mark Longmire's Romance Novel Covers and found he's a Planet of the Apes fan; in fact he has retold the story in a most unique way. I thought my friend April (Ape) would enjoy that site, so one thing led to another and now I've got all these monkey and ape links and pictures. I guess you could say I'm just monkeyin' around today! The Monkey Bar One of the first things I found was a great essay on how we live our lives called The Monkeysphere. Cakes decorated for monkey parties. The bad news for monkeys is about the banana supply. Thinking about monkeys reminded me of this Sock Monkey Movie. If you love sock monkeys (and who doesn't), Tamara at Sock Monkey Fun will set you up. She'll even custom-make your monkey! The Sharper Image has a chimpanzee for sale that you don't have to feed or toilet-train! Well, if you look closely you'll see that they don't really have it. They did at one time. But when you ma ...

April 26 Links 2008
2008-04-26 06:19:47
Princess had a slumber party for her birthday last night (continuing this morning). I know you don’t really need to plan activities for 11-year-old girls, outside of supplying food and movies, but I found the Magic Milk Trick and was fascinated. I bought the ingredients (I used half and half for milk since someone said it had to be high fat) and brought it out after the cake and ice cream. It worked perfectly! The girls had never seen such a thing. Princess had received a digital camera as a gift (a better model than mine) and insisted I do the trick a second time for the video. I would love to post it here, but considering how much giggling went on, I think it would need much more editing than I am willing to do. A good time was had by all. Blogging Business Exposed! (via Bit and Pieces) Amazing tricks women can do with their breasts. Keyboard Recital. This girl is ten years old. Be prepared to enjoy this. ...

Indiana Jones
2008-04-24 06:03:19
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens May 22nd.  I am so looking forward to this, since I enjoyed the first three movies and Harrison Ford is still hot to this old lady. Will it be any good? The final cut is long: two hours and twenty minutes. And then all the sudden, we started getting vibes that it might not be as good as we expected. In fact, there are rumors that it may actually be bad. George Lucas says we should not get our hopes up. Some say it has to suck, because of George Lucas and Shia LaBouef. Others say it has to be awesome because of Steven Speilberg and Harrison Ford. But no matter how the fourth movie turns out, I’ll still love Indy for what he has given us already. Throughout this post, you’ll find animated gifs of the first three Indiana Jones movies. They were created by FoldsFive. I tried to separate them, so you can choose to pay attention or not. Each tells the story of the entire movie. ...

Breakfast Food
2008-04-23 06:26:59
Princess asked for French toast for breakfast. Three minutes later, I handed her a plate and said, “Tis is the most perfect piece of French toast ever.” She asked why, and I said, “The egg blended perfectly without sloshing out of the dish. The bread soaked it up evenly. The pan was already at the perfect temperature to fry it evenly: a bit crisp on the outside, but not all the way through. The pizza cutter sliced perfect squares. Enjoy it, because you’ll never have another piece of French toast like this one.” And she relished every bite! It really wasn’t so different from any other toast I’ve made, but the promotion made it seem special. Now she’s trying to perfect her technique and match my accomplishment. That’s fine with me -anything to get her to make her own breakfast! Pancakes II: Pancakes for Your Face Another delicious stop-motion breakfast video from James Provan, who brought you Pancakes in 2006. ...

Cosmetic Surgery
2008-04-21 06:14:38
You might look at plastic surgery as the ultimate in vanity, but it is not always so. I’ve often said I’d just as soon avoid surgery that wasn’t medically necessary. But sometimes it’s hard to define what “necessary” really means. The “Father of Plastic Surgery”, Sir Harold Gillies developed techniques of transplanting and shaping skin in order to help seriously wounded soldiers. Plastic surgery helped some of them to show their faces in public, which is not medically necessary, but has a lot to do with the quality of life. How about breast implants? A lot of women have them not to have bigger boobs, but to have boobs at all after mastectomies. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing. Actor212 recently had a cancer removed that left a hole in his nose. He had it repaired by surgery which transplanted tissue from his leg and ear. And my daughter has braces to repair a severe underbite. They might work, or she may need s ...

Dogs
2008-04-20 06:03:00
You can't beat the loyalty of a dog, unless you count MY dog, who decided a few months ago that she'd rather live with the neighbors. She sits out in their front yard all day, and when I drive past, she stares at me. I swear she's laughing! After I took her in off the street, allowed her to birth EIGHT puppies in my dining room, then got her spayed, bathed, and trained... this is the thanks I get? I guess that's why they call a dog MAN's best friend, because she sure doesn't care much for this woman. Be that as it may (whatever that means, I've used that phrase all my life), people love their dogs. I've had a few good dogs in my life, so I know they exist. Besides, there's enough dogs on the net to convince anyone they must be worthwhile. At least, some of them. Math Dog 100 Greatest Dogs of Pop Culture history. Puppy monorail. (Thanks, Kirby!) Personal ad. When a dog has a bar mitzvah, its called a Bark Mitzvah. Singing Dog. This is clever and cut ...

April 19 Links 2008
2008-04-19 06:27:32
Here’s something I don’t understand. I went to Speakeasy to test my internet speed. I got 1964 kbps download speed and 225 kbps upload speed. Very slow. Then I went to Speed Test and got 3894 kbps download speed and 166 upload speed. Still not good. So I went to my ISP to see what I could find out. They had a speed test, too. That one registered a blazing 7726 kbps download speed and 362 kbps upload speed! What gives? Do you think everyone gets such high speeds from the people who are most liable to hear the complaints? Not that they will hear from me... you call them and the estimated wait time is usually over an hour before you can talk to a tech. For that entire time, you have to listen to ads about their wonderful internet speeds! But I will keep trying. If I could get a page to load in a decent amount of time, I could cut my workday in half. Remote Control Super Mario Brothers Song (via Boing Boing) I can&rsqu ...

Curmudgeon
2008-04-18 06:19:08
My kids are very much used to my wild and hardly believable stories about an era in the very distant past when I was young. They can barely imagine  world where families didn’t have video players and computers, where TV was black and white, and eight-year-olds could walk downtown and watch a movie without supervision. However, we did have amazing old technologys like record players and typewriters and wringer washers that are quite beyond my kids’ understanding, the discovery of which added slightly to my credibility. One day in the car, I was telling them the titles of some of my favorite books “when I was your age”, and Gothgrrl said, “They didn’t have books when you were a kid!” Hmm, do you think maybe I’m overdoing it? Survivor vs. Survivor The b3ta newsletter said: Last week we asked for stories revolving around mix tapes you'd made for people, despite loads of our younger readers not kn ...

Weird and Wild Weddings
2008-04-17 06:10:26
Just a normal, everyday wedding ceremony can tax your patience, peace of mind, and bank account. But some go way beyond that, to a spectacular overblown production that belongs in Vegas. These are usually also people who can afford to hand the whole thing over to a professional wedding planner, so they can spend more time at the health club. Others, on a much smaller budget, use their imagination to make their wedding wonderfully memorable to the people who matter most to them. Thanks to the internet, we can take a peek into these weddings that we would have never heard about otherwise. There’s lots of joy here! Of course, we can also get information on the divorce a few years later, but that’s not nearly as fun. Geek Weddings (via Neatorama) The song is "Geek Like Me" by The Wonderstucks. 9 Excessive Weddings To Which We Weren’t Invited. Eight Very Different Weddings. Geek weddi ...

Income Tax
2008-04-15 06:05:00
Today is the day US citizens must have their federal (and sometimes state) income tax returns in the mail (or filed electronically). Oh yes, mail it late and you'll be liable for penalties and interest. The alternative is to file for an extension, but you have to have that in the mail on time, too! In some cities, Post Offices stay open late on deadline day, in some places until midnight, to accommodate late filers. Not so in small towns! I used to work for a radio station that would set up a party at the Post Office from, say, ten til midnight, with coffee, donuts, and t-shirts for the last stragglers to get their forms in. We heard some pretty funny stories about why it took so long to get the forms finished! Too bad I don't remember any of them. My actual income tax bill wasn't so bad, because I didn't make much money (despite the rumors that bloggers make money), but the self-employment tax, the local occupational tax, and the 2008 quarterly withholding took a bite out ...

Batman
2008-04-14 06:00:24
Batman has always been more fun than Superman. While Superman is, well, super, he was always too perfect, and rather one-dimensional. Batman is quite human. Through many incarnations of the same basic character, we can see what we want to in him. A fabulously wealthy man with lots of sexy toys in the basement becomes a mysterious crime fighter when needed. He can be the pompous and insufferably smart hero of the 60s TV series, or the brooding and enigmatic Michael Keaton character. Plus the many other types of Batman in the comics over the years. Batman stories have real suspense, because there is always the remote possibility he can get hurt or even killed. And there’s the real likelihood he’ll become angry, spiteful, or even do something he’ll regret later. Like all of us. The Dark Knight in Lego Take a look at Why So Serious? The Many Faces of Joker, with images spanning from the comic book to feature the characte ...

Manliness
2008-04-13 06:01:00
What can I say about manliness? In a perfect world, its something to be admired and desired, the same as femininity. I certainly admire a manly man, but what makes a man MANLY is a matter of opinion, and it can't really be nailed down. Its like art, or obscenity.... I can't define it, but I know it when I see it! Manliness, maleness, macho, masculinity, all words that supposedly mean the same thing, yet each brings up a different picture, due to the popular usage of the words. The tone you use to say it can also convey different meanings. "He's quite manly..." As opposed to what? A woman? A man who is not manly? A man who tries too hard to be manly? Or a man who doesn't feel the need to try? Or are you by chance referring to someone suffering from Testosterone Poisoning? Or are you being sarcastic? The humorous part comes in when men try to live up to some artificial standard of manliness. Thats funny, because living up to an artificial standard is in itself the opposite of ...

April 12 Links 2008
2008-04-12 06:08:39
You’d think when children start to grow up, their messes would become more manageable. Gothgrrl thought she was doing the right thing when she poured her chocolate milk out before throwing away the paper cup. The trouble is, she poured it out of the driver’s side window, where it splattered all over the door, including the handle, which was quite sticky til I had time to clean it. Then she woke up with blood all over her new pillow, and tried to tell me it was chocolate milk. It was a nosebleed that she’d slept completely through. But Princess took the cake this week. How much blondeness does it take to set a full bottle of glue on mama’s bed without the cap on it? I didn’t know there was a problem until I retired at midnight and stretched my legs out. Ick! My feet were covered in Elmer’s that had soaked through the quilt, blanket, AND sheets. Will the cleanup duties never cease? YesButNoButYes New Look Ya’ll go by ...

Office Hijinks
2008-04-11 06:01:12
It's been nearly two years since I punched a clock. Do I miss going to work with other people every day? Hmm, no, I don't miss it every day, but every once in a while, it would be nice to take a coffee break and just drink coffee and talk to someone I don't live with, instead of taking a break to put in another load of laundry, or drive the kids somewhere. It would be nice to have a real time discussion with someone who knows what's going on in the world and still doesn't make fun of my accent. But when I feel this way, I also think about the pressure, the millions of rules, the close supervision, the backstabbing, the criticism, the disrespect, and the tiny paycheck at the end. Then I am thankful that I get to stay at home by myself in my grungies.    Brown Noser (via the Presurfer) The Ultimate Cubicle Prank. The details and craftsmanship are amazing -and these guys are obviously underutilized in their jobs. Top Office Pranks, part one and part ...

Cell Phone
2008-04-10 06:31:00
Every once in a while, I run into someone who is amazed that I don't have a cellphone. The bottom line is, I don't need one. I have a landline. I have a digital camera. I have an answering machine. Anyone who wants me can call me at home, or at work. If I'm anywhere besides those two places, then you can assume I am too busy to talk on the phone. Call me later. Who am I kidding? No one calls me! Someone asked, "But what if you were away from home and needed to contact your kids?" Thats an easy one, I would ask the person to my right if I could use their phone. They always have one. "But what if you were broken down on the side of the interstate?" Umm, this happened a couple months ago. I wished for just a minute that I could call someone. But who? I don't know anyone who would come out here AND can change my tire for me. The story ended OK, I changed the tire myself. In the dark. Remind me to put a flashlight in my car sometime! THAT I really need. The Perfect ...

Soccer
2008-04-09 06:09:23
At one time, I tried to cipher out the various differences between American football, Aussie football, rest-of-the-world football (soccer) and rugby. I didn’t want to be thought an idiot. Then I thought, “Why bother? I’m no sports fan, and most people know it. They also think I’m an idiot already.” See, what’s easier to remember is what all those games have in common. They all involve moving an object across a field into a defined goal area, while the other team tries to stop you. Then you switch and do the same to them. Simple. This, of course, also describes hockey, basketball, badminton, polo, tennis, volleyball, water polo, lacrosse, ping pong, foosball, and pong. Of course, baseball is a whole different story. Binoculars Soccer (via Cynical-C) Completely Insane Soccer Ad. World Cup Team Plans. An embarassing kick. The defending goalie makes an amazing block, ...

Bad Parenting 3
2008-04-08 06:01:51
Real life bad parenting is nothing to laugh about. But there’s a long stretch of normality between relaxed, laid back parenting and neglect. Children can tell the difference in most cases. Homer Simpson acts like an idiot, and he makes plenty of mistakes with his kids, but in the end, we know he loves them. More importantly, his kids know he loves them. And for our amusement, they also know he’s an idiot, but they love him anyway. Aren’t kids wonderful? I feel honored to know that my kids love their idiot mother anyway. Knife-Throwing Mother (via Arbroath) Things were a bit different in the 50s. Today, this story might include the words “bail bond” and “removed from custody”. Mommy, will you buy me a pony? Say “fire truck”. (NSFW) Most popular baby names of 2007.  Aiden, Braden, and Kaden. I believe it... if you go by the boys’ names ...

Toilets
2008-04-07 06:02:34
After years of planning and looking for skilled and willing builders, I finally got my old bathroom remodeled last fall. And all the fancy planning went down the drain. At one time, I was determined to have an antique clawfoot tub installed as well as a toilet with a tank so far up that it flushes with a pull-chain. Plus checkerboard floor tiling. When the actual cost of such plans was added up, I had to balance my dreams against the likelihood I will live here long enough to make it worthwhile. Considering the bathroom in question is on the opposite end of the house from my bedroom/office, and I now have my own small bathroom, I decided to go with the affordable option and have plain but modern fixtures installed. Oh well, it’s fine for the kids. And the next homeowner.   Innovations in Toilet Paper. When you’ve got the power of the internet, you don’t have to settle for plain white! Some of the weird toilet pa ...

Superhero
2008-04-06 06:11:00
I must've been about 6 years old when my mother made my brother and me each a Super Hero cape. We had already spent a lot of time trying to fly off the back porch. We watched Superman every afternoon, and Batman at night twice a week. It wasn't long after that I started buying DC comic books, for 15 cents each. I ended up with boxes and boxes of them. They would be collector's items now, but we threw them out. That's OK, they were pretty well worn out after I read them over and over. The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny by Lemon Demon The science of Superman. Superman meets the Quik Bunny. Superhero or Household Cleaner? Captain Jackson and the Crimefighter Corps of Jackson, Michigan. The religious affiliations of comic book Super Heroes. (Thanks, Wulfweard!) Why Superman never married. Spiderman reviews crayons, part one and part two. The Incredible Hulk's blog. Are you a Super Hero? Try the Trainee Superhero game! Unfortuna ...

Firefighters
2008-04-04 06:30:38
Who doesn’t love firefighters? Their mission is pure: to save lives and property. They are brave men and women who put their lives on the line for a living or as volunteers. They are by necessity physically fit, which means hot. And since many departments need to raise money to stay in business, they show off a bit for fundraising calendars. You can still buy a 2008 calendar full of hot firefighters from a variety of departments. You can also see some nice firemen in my previous post, Fire. Later in this post, you’ll even see a picture of a naked fireman! In every town I’ve lived in, and several I’ve just visited, you can always make a friend at the local firestation. Of course, nobody’s perfect, as you will see here. Perfection isn’t much fun. A Firefighter Sets Himself on Fire (via Gorilla Mask) The hotter you are, the faster we come. 7 of the coolest fire stations on earth. World’s ...

Redneck Jokes
2008-04-03 06:12:56
At one time, I thought I was an expert on what was redneck and what wasn’t. I was sadly mistaken. The more I hang out on the internet (and that’s a lot), the more I find that things I considered normal human behavior are considered redneck to folks who don’t live in the middle of it. I won’t give any examples right now, because it’s still a bit embarassing. Not that I’m embarassed to hold the redneck label... that kinda comes with the territory. I was born into the territory, you know. But I’m a bit embarassed to get my education from outsiders on the fine art of, um, “rednecking”. I reckon that’s about the most direct thing you could call it. Redneck Hunter Safety The Justice League of Appalachia. Vialators will be dealt with severely. (Thanks, kerry!) Redneck mailboxes. MESSAGE PARLOR An old Redneck woman in the West Virginia hills received a le ...

Math Degree
2008-04-02 06:26:20
Is it just bass-ackwards that I love a good math joke, but still avoid balancing my checkbook like the plague? Not really; what fun is it to balance a checkbook? That’s almost like working your way toward bad news. No, that’s exactly what it is. Some things I’d just rather not know. It’s the same with taxes. I could do it myself, but I’d end up angry, frustrated, and tired, which just isn’t worth it. But a good math joke, or better yet, a math pun, can make me smile all day long. I don't know if these will do that much for you, but a smile for a minute is still worth a read. Perelman's Proof of the Poincare Conjecture Professor Steve Sawin of Fairfield University. He’s got the lyrics at his website. Alexis Lemaire broke his own record for mental computing at the Science Museum in London by finding the 13th root of a 200-digit random number in 70.2 seconds. (via J-Walk Blog) What’s your fav ...

Marriage Woes
2008-04-01 06:03:59
There’s (almost) nothing worse than a bad marriage -when you’re in it, itching to get out. People stay in bad marriages because 1. they stick to their vows, B. for the kids, and 3. fear. I don’t understand the fear. There’s fear of poverty, although I can tell you from experience that poverty is not as bad as the fear of poverty. There’s fear of loneliness, and I’ll tell you from experience that as bad as loneliness is, it beats being miserable. OK, that’s enough serious stuff. Good marriages have plenty of opportunity for comedy, but bad marriages have even more. Sexual Communication Here’s a husband you don’t want. Too bad so many women already have him. (Thanks, Jan!) This study found that for each 16-point rise in a woman’s IQ, her marriage prospects declined by 40%. Is it any wonder that smart women are dying their hair blond? Some folks stay together becaus ...