How to Get Good Duck Details

Wartime Memorial Day
2007-05-29 14:51:03
So yesterday was Memorial Day in the US, a day for drinking beer and having barbecues. And, according to our commander-in-chief, a day for great deals on mattresses. I hope that everybody got a little tipsy, ate a little burger, and had a little fun. Not too much fun, though. It's Memorial Day, after all - a day when we pay tribute to and give thanks to the men and women who have died in battle for the sake of the good ol' US of A.I remember learning "In Flanders Fields" in the 5th grade, I think to recite it in front of the class for a grade. At the time, it was pretty much just a bunch of words, their collective meaning a bit beyond my comprehension. If I remember correctly, and I'll try this without cutting and pasting, it goes like this:In Flanders Fields the poppies blow between the crosses row on row that mark our place. And in the sky, the lark, still bravely singing, flies, scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the dead. Short days ago, we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glo ...
Memorial Memorial Day

Bad Moose, Bad Moose, whatcha gonna do...?
2007-05-25 19:11:49
Mr. Moose was back today (I am now able to say "mr." with confidence, as a hunter friend came by today to check the scene out. It is definitely a boy, he says.) Today was unique because he brought his whole family - his lovely wife was here, along with a calf. They were just eating their little hearts out, having a nice little afternoon picnic.So we called the cops. That's right, the fuzz. That's apparently an option for the citizens of Sweden - you can call the cops on a moose. So they're going to get back to us on Monday about what they're going to do. If an arrest is made, I promise to get the footage to you, especially if there's any Rodney Kinging going on.On a related note, people aren't really getting why we want the moose out of here. "It's so cute..." blah blah blah. I have blamed the apple trees and the garden up until now, but the real truth of the matter is that they can be mean bastards. Though it doesn't happen every day, a moose will charge if it feels threatened ...

Man vs Moose, take two...
2007-05-24 16:45:17
All right, so she's still around. I mentioned the fact that we have a moose that won't go away a couple weeks ago, and, well, she can't seem to get enough of us. Please excuse the quality of the video, I don't know what the heck I'm doing. The quality is so bad that my six-pack abs look a little squishy here...Tags: * comedy * humor * funny * silly * moose * potato * wimp * forest * sweden * idiot * crazy ...

Shatner Still on Top
2007-05-21 18:02:38
This feels entirely unoriginal and ridiculous, as I am probably one of 45 thousand people blogging about William Shatner today, but I can't really help it. I mean everybody's blogged about Shatner. That's so yesterday. But in my defense, it's not really me doing it. It's him. He's in control of the situation... as always. Bastard.I mean, he's William Shatner. You don't have a conversation with someone and bring up William Shatner and they say "Wait a minute, WHICH William Shatner...?" That just doesn't happen. He's managed to carve a slice of the galaxy out for himself that is entirely his own. He's a genius of sorts... of which sort I don't rightly know, but that doesn't matter. He's all over the TV, he's all over the talk shows, he's all over YouTube. Ted R. sent me this today and I peed my pants.I mean, wow. What a man. He says "Woo" and somebody loops it up and makes a video of it. I'm jealous. I wish that would happen to me. I've said "Woo" before. Woo. See? I sa ...

Jesus Fly Away Day
2007-05-18 13:16:54
Forgive me father, who (maybe) art in heaven, for I am about to sin. I believe you and your peeps call it blasphemy.Oh, blasphemy, you rough-sounding word, you poor little jumble of letters, how unfortunate that all associated with your usage is overwhelmingly negative! Oh, how stressful to feel that each utterance of your syllables shall be frowned upon and cast aside! Oh, how joyful it would be if once, just once, your name could be used in times of glee and joy and positivity, as in "Gee, that was some really nice blasphemy" or "Mmmm, is that blasphemy you're wearing?" or "Hey... a round of blasphemy on me!" Alas, no. Not-a-chance. Bad, blasphemy. Bad, bad blasphemy.Yesterday was Kristihimmelfärdsdag here in Sweden, which roughly translates into Christ's Heaven Journey Day. Or as it is known to the English-speaking devotees, Ascension Day. I say the devotees because I, not being a Goddie, really had no idea that there was such a day, and therefore that it had an English name. And ...
Fly Away Jesus

Porter's Words Send Ducks and Wings to Playoffs
2007-05-16 13:08:09
I had the pleasure of interviewing Henrik Zetterberg of the Detroit Red Wings and Samuel Påhlsson of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim a couple months ago for an article I wrote for www.sweden.se. At the end of each interview, I said, "Good luck in the playoffs." It turns out my words ended up guiding both players and their teams to the race for the Stanley Cup.Little did I know that these five words would have such an impact on these players. It was as if I opened up a new world of possibilities for both of them. Just to test my new found powers, I whispered, "Good luck winning the lottery" to my wife as she headed into town yesterday. Nothing yet, but it's still early.The two teams are battling it out in the 2007 NHL Western Conference Finals. Detroit currently leads the seven-game series by 2-1.Tags: * comedy * humor * funny * silly * hockey * Western Conference Finals * Henrik Zetterberg * Samuel Påhlsson * magic * ice * Anaheim Ducks * Detroit Red Wings ...
Playoffs Porter Wings

The Time 100s
2007-05-15 10:58:00
Time's 100 Most Influential People in the World has hit the stands, and includes the folks seen below and then some. I must admit that I got a little tired toward the end of the list, and skipped over Eric Lie and Bernard Arnault. They are probably much more important than Angelina and Brad, but that didn't stop me from reading both of Brangelina's entries... twice. The Alt TIME 100 was also published last week, for those of us who need to give props to Anna Nicole for dying so gracefully... and stuff. Despite the facts that they were sort of grasping at straws a bit to count to 100, and that it was apparently a Joel Stein rush job (typos and such), it made me laugh. The cast of characters who helped him to decide the Alt 100 are worthy of some sort of list of their own. technorati tags:Time, list, 100, ALT, 100, Time, Magazine, Influential, people ...
Time

Hometown Baghdad
2007-05-15 08:59:00
In State of Denial, Bob Woodward claimed that Henry Kissinger meets with the Prez every other month, and with Mr. Cheney once a month. Hell, it's been years since he's had Nixon to kick around, so he's probably a bit bored and needs to tell somebody what to do. Unfortunately for the entire planet, Kissinger digs all this Iraq war crap, and has said to the head cheese that "victory ... is the only meaningful exit strategy for Iraq." That's like telling a seven-year-old that it's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose. Thanks, Hank.If you haven't taken a look at Hometown Baghdad yet, you should. It is another YouTube success, focusing on life in Baghdad right now, from the POV of some Iraqi 20-somethings in the capital city. Shot in Baghdad and edited in New York, it's a pretty interesting take on the turmoil in Iraq. I don't believe Hometown Baghdad represents all Baghdad-ians, since these guys appear to have a little more cushion financially than your average ...
Baghdad

Romney says Voters Will Accept a Moron
2007-05-14 14:53:00
...err, I mean Mormon...I read a while back that when Orrin Hatch originally entered the Presidential race for 2000, he mentioned that he was doing so to "stir things up a bit" or something like that. What he wanted to stir up was a 1999 Gallup poll that showed that 17% of registered voters would not vote for a Mormon NO MATTER WHAT. Other than the fact that Mormons do exactly what they're told to do, stay away from the caffein and the alkeehol, (secretly) love the polygamy, claim exclusive divine authority, and send their children out in short-sleeves and ties to sell Gawd, I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want a Mormon in charge of the USA. Having a leader who's not afraid to go out into the rest of the world and string along a few converts as he blindly trudges along in the name of democracy (or even better: in the name of Gawd) might be a good thing. It might even get the guy a couple terms in office.This Mitt Romney character is convinced that the Mormonism thing won ...

The Wild Life, Episode 1: A Date with a Moose
2007-05-13 11:49:00
We've had a little visitor every evening for the past week. Okay, a big visitor. Seeing a moose in our neck of the woods is not so unusual, but the fact that this one keeps stopping by to hang out is sort of a trip. He/she (not sure if I really need to know how to sex a moose) seems to not be afraid of people, which made it much easier for me to get the nerve up to ask him/her out...Tags:* comedy * humor * funny * silly * moose * elk * Sweden * forest * BBQ * PETA * cat * eating * Grythyttan * nature * animals * marinade ...
Date Life Wild Wild Life

Does this turn you on?
2007-05-12 16:02:00
I somehow found myself trapped in the world of free e-cards yesterday, trying to pick a cute little doozy to send to a friend for her birthday. What a mess. Everybody seems to offer them these days, much to my chagrin. Here is my favorite:I mean, I guess she's going to eat that flower, which is sexy, right? I guess there's just nothing like saying I love you, baby... Here's a close-up of a woman wearing a lot of shiny lip gloss... and oh yeah, she's about to eat a flower. That's right baby. That's how much I love you.And the music that comes along with it (also free of charge) is amazing. To get the whole experience you have to go here.Oh, if I could only be so lucky and get that one in my inbox.Tags:* comedy * humor * funny * silly * e-card * sensual * lips * sexy * turn-on * flower * eat * lipstick * free ...

The Life is Crap Merger Burger
2006-06-05 08:32:00
In a top-secret press conference earlier today, Life is Crap announced that it will be merging advertising revenues with the even more crappy How to Get Good Duck.Unfortunately, the top-secretness of the press conference meant that there were absolutely no members from the press present to take notes. Mike sat on a keg of Natural Light in the corner, trying to get the juice flowing while Tom and Anders made the finishing touches on a duck made entirely out of Spam.The announcement was made by Good Duck’s attorney, Jessica Lawyer, a toon formerly known for her role as the voluptuous female friend of Roger Rabbit in “Who’s Framing Roger Rabbit.” After several trips to the restroom to powder her breasts, she gave the following announcement:“Well, hiya, everybody. Or, hiya the three of you, at least. Um, Life is Crap is sort of proud to announce that effective immediately, all advertising revenues earned by and through the practically unheard of How to Eat a Duck …What’s that ...
Life Merger

Captain Canada Chicken Soup!
2006-05-25 13:45:00
Dear Captain Canada,Hallo there Captain Canada, and hallo there glorious and beautiful Canadian citizens. Thank you for having such nice mountains and trees and fish. Thank you for Pamela what’s-her-name, Alan Thicke and Corey Haim. I am a big fan of your flag, especially the way the maple leaf is all centered and stuff. That’s cool, eh? I am also proud (not as proud as you perhaps, but a little proud, I guess) of the fact that your hockey teams are apparently good. Did I thank you for the trees and the fish? Oh, I did, eh? Well, thanks again.Now that I have thanked you for being Canada, I will get to the real point of this letter: What’s up with Canada? More specifically, why do Canadians seem to hate Americans? I know that this has been taken up before, and have noticed that there are hundreds of Web pages out there that discuss the issue between them and us. Captain Canada, I am saddened to the point of tears that Canadians must carry around this anti-American grudge eve ...
Canada Chicken Soup

Fanny Pack Tuna Casserole
2006-05-08 08:01:00
Overhearing things should be an Olympic sport. I haven’t quite figured out how it would be scored, or how it might actually work, but it would be so much fun to watch on the tee vee. Somehow, the athletes would run around and get points for eavesdropping on other people’s conversations, scoring highest, of course, for totally out of context one-liners. It would sort of combine reality television and international competition. And, it would give me that chance for gold that I wholeheartedly deserve. There are two lines that stick out in my collection of eavesdroppings. One came in third grade, on the playground of Ramona Alessandro Elementary in San Bernardino, California. I CAN NOT get rid of this one, unfortunately, as it is a one-liner that stands out in a crowd. It is also fairly appropriate for the playground when one is in third grade, but pretty much nowhere else. That means that this little line of text occasionally pops up in my head, though I am always unable to use it. W ...

Halloumi and Couscous with a Side of Howard Jones
2006-05-03 11:36:00
I was sitting (apparently sitting requires less energy than walking) and thinking (apparently thinking requires less energy than typing) yesterday about taking the bus to school in 4th grade.Riding the bus to and from school was like having your own little parent-free zone for about two hours a day. What about the bus-driver? Puh-lease. The Simpson’s Otto Mann pretty much sums it up. These people were not too concerned about what was going on back there. The mantra floating around in their heads pretty much went like this: Oh please, let me pass my drug test, Oh please, let me pass my drug test. It was all about the back seats, for two reasons. One: good height on the jumps when the bus went through dips. You could sort of cheat by timing a tiny little triggered series of movements that combined a tightening of the balls of the feet and the clenching of the butt cheeks. When properly timed, you would fly upward at 50-60 mph. After a period of years, some of us got pretty damn good a ...

Fiddy Cent Chicken Gonna' Knock You Out!
2006-04-23 13:06:00
Don’t call it a comebackI’ve been here for yearsRockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear…I’m gonna’ knock you out.Mama said knock you out.-Ladies Love Cool James, or LL Cool J to the homeys in da house. I would have liked to be the guy in charge of the video for that little rappity rap. I would have had LL dress up like a mailman, trying to deliver the mail with boxing gloves on. Every time he came to a door, the tenants (all wearing white wigs and reading glasses on chains, clutching folded up copies of the Times) would try to slam the door in his face. “We don’t need you anymore, Mr. Cool …, we don’t even know you anymore.” Frustrated, LL would start swinging away, breaking through doors in order to beat up old people. Mail would be seen flying everywhere as he ranted and raved about knocking people out, and then he would head back to his mail truck, a souped up, chromed out, over-golded Range Rover, lifted and lowered in just the right places. He’d ...
Chicken

How 'Bout a Little Sambo to go with your Black Beans?
2006-04-14 14:51:00
I was flipping through a vintage coloring book this morning. It’s a Swedish book called “Afrika Målar-Bok,” which means “Africa coloring book.” My guess is that it’s from the forties, but I have no real way of knowing. It’s sort of hilarious because it depicts Africa as just a bunch of stupid animals and black people, somehow coexisting in the wild jungles of Africa. The first picture for the little kiddies to color is a confused monkey with a hat and scarf, driving a little convertible. He is apparently confused, as he looks up at a sign that reads "Aplandet" or "MonkeyLand," and realizes that the sign is pointing behind him. Crazy monkey.The next gorgeous picture is a seemingly naked black man (woman?) riding on the back of an elephant, apparently on his/her way to work or something. The killer here is the caption at the bottom, which translates something like this:Here sits Sambo very secureOn the wide back of the elephant.Huh?Like this is a good thing to have your k ...
Beans

Cats, Ducks and More Pig!
2006-04-08 18:26:00
Around the time that I was born, my parents got a cat. Troll, a motley-colored, feisty little thing, was more like a sibling than a pet. Never one to enjoy being held, pet or cuddled, she sort of held court when she wanted to and would then run off to terrorize smaller animals and other children in the neighborhood. Don’t get me wrong, I liked her, it’s just sort of that I spent a good portion of my childhood being deathly afraid of her. My claim to fame as far as Troll is concerned is that one night when I was having dinner with Joni Mitchell in Los Angeles, Joni took a keen interest in Troll’s death and drilled me about our relationship. But you all know how Joni can be. (More on Joni Mitchell and My Cat another time.)Since Troll was pretty much a sibling/family member, the first real pet that I had was Fuzzy. And, yes: Fuzzy was a duck. Fuzzy roamed the backyard, chasing Troll around and quacking at everything that moved. Fuzzy’s one trick that she performed was that she cou ...

I Left my Pork in Barcelona
2006-04-06 13:39:00
I’d say the elevator was roughly 3 feet wide by 4 feet long. Not the kind of place you’d want to spend a lot of time. That’s why I had to whip out my skills and get us out of there.It went down like this – we were visiting Barcelona´s main cathedral and decided that we really should see the roof. I don’t know why, but it felt right. First of all, Barcelona is a beautiful city, and I had wanted to get a bird´s eye view (instead of a bar’s eye view) of the whole shebang since we arrived. Second of all, though not a religious person whatsoever, I am a sucker for the whole “these really tall religious buildings are tall so that you get closer to God” thing. So up we went.The view from the roof was fantastic, and we spent maybe twenty minutes up there, gazing off in all directions, inhaling the goodness of Barcelona. Sun was shining, birds were singing, and the alcohol that was in me from the night before was slowly making its way through my pores to evaporate into the war ...
Barcelona Pork

How do You Grill Your Cheese?
2006-03-24 09:19:00
Every now and then someone asks me what it’s like living in the middle of the forest. These are generally not Swedish people. Swedes know what it’s like. Sweden is a forest.After we go through the standards (It’s quiet, It’s green, It’s private, It’s beautiful, and We got critters), the prospects of duck acquisition always come up.Where’s the closest grocery store? Do you have a movie theatre?How do you survive the winters?Which sometimes lead intoAre you depressed?Do you worship Satan?But that’s another blog.Sure, living in the middle of fucking nowhere has its complications. Brief answers to the aforementioned questions are:Our closest grocery store is 21 km / 13 miles away, in Grythyttan, a hustling and bustling center of economic activity. Here you will also find the gas station and the bank. The bank has been closed for about a year now, but is still a prominent feature of the town square.We do not have a movie theatre. The last film that I saw was that Narnia thin ...
Cheese

A Quest for Duck?
2006-03-21 16:41:00
Life’s little episodes are sometimes unforgettable. And that can be a problem. The fact that it is often quite difficult to forget amazing experiences often creates an inner desire to go back to that place to experience that thing again, only to realize that that thing, whatever it was … is gone. Or different. Or not as amazing.But we want it so badly that we keep trying and trying to get it. Are we disappointed when we don’t get it again? Sometimes. Do we immediately think of the next attempt? Often. Do we accept the fact that it can’t be obtained? Never. And that’s good.We are all on … each and every one of us … an eternal quest for good duck.I’ll explain. Several years ago on a trip to London, I ate the most amazing duck ever. It was juicy, it was crispy, it was gorgeous and sexy. Before that duck experience, I was not a duck man. I had been used to being served mediocre duck, so had completely quit ordering it. On the duckulence scale, mediocre duck is better than b ...
Quest

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