A Panel of Experts A panel of experts discuss photographs from all over the internet.

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Jackasses
2007-11-07 21:41:00
Shit, these cute little girls are all ready to have fun and the jackass in the back is just yelling about football and the jackass in the front is thinking about which Talib Kweli "lyrical poem" he's going to recite.--NattyI've said it before and I'll say it again: the parochial high school girls are the best ever. They're so excited to be at a party with real-live boys that their bras are literally itching to be removed. It doesn't even matter if you're a jackass lacrosse fag who can't handle his liquor, or have an enormously inflated ego because you're the only black guy at the liberal lilly-white high school. One of these girls even offered to take off her shirt if the guy with a bad stutter and sweatpants would share some more of his cinnamon Schnapps (it was me).Love,Brett ScieszkaWOULD YOU TWO LEAVE SPORTS ALONE. GOD DAMMIT.And those two girls have inbred face, GROSS.-JQP ...

UUUNNNGGHHH!
2007-11-07 21:32:00
It's always funny when high school guys are at parties and they try to make some sexual "joke" by going up to the girls they like and giving them seemingly-innocent, supposedly-hilarious lapdances. However, there comes a tricky moment when they have to bridge the gap between funny and sexy and actually make their move. Thats when they put on their "lovemaking faces" and, judging by the girl's reaction, she's either into it or she thinks that he's still joking. This is clearly the latter.--NattyHas anyone actually ever done dry-humping, or is that just a made up thing like I think it is?Love,Brett ScieszkaWe hired a stripper to my buddy's house a couple years ago because we were bored, and she was being really awkward about it, and suggested one of US give her a lapdance to lighten the mood or something. So this femme-y boychild kid that tagged along somehow jumped up out of nowhere and started giving her a lapdance. It still ranks as the least sexy thing I've ever seen, including wh ...

Barnstormin'
2007-11-07 20:39:00
Why is it that every time you get out of the city and go upstate or to the Hamptons or something with a group of people there's always this weird sexual vibe going on between everyone? Its like you take a huge pull of your gin and tonic and go: "ah what a nice crispy autumn night, now I'm going to have a threesome with my girlfriend and my best friend's lady and hope it doesn't destroy everybody's lives."Love,Brett ScieszkaThere's nothing sexual about attempting to restrain and capture an overgrown marsupial/human hybrid. Look at the redheads face, it just screams "GET THE NET. GET THE FUCKING NET ITS SPRAYING ME WITH SOME KIND OF VILE, VILE PHEROMONE, I CAN'T HOLD ON MUCH LONGER." God that girls shower drain must look like someone tried to cram a leperous raccoon through the grate.-JQP ...

Jam Session
2007-11-07 20:28:00
Years before the "School of Rock" there was the "School of Bach" in which old J.S., in an opium and brandy-fueled rage would beat his children mercilessly with an iron candleabra until they wrote his songs for him. In fact, calling them "his kids" is a bit generous, they were actually gypsy children with an innate musical talent who he kidnapped and then forced to live in his "conservatory" (read: basement) and then fed nothing but animal tails and what he called "brain juice" which was little more than his used bathwater. Not only did they compose all of his music, they also invented "Jenkem."--Natty ...
Jam 

Keg-sprawl
2007-11-07 19:57:00
This photograph reminds me of this poem:Three kegs there lay with frenzied passion 'pon ittwo blue-jeaned nymphs 'ringed round with vomit.Athenian sandals embrace tingling toes,bachanallian peals erupt from all watching 'bros.In mismatched Secrets of noble Victoria,The devotees gone wild approach titanic euphoriaAll rejoice at the noble Sapphic ritefor those present had all made "pledge" that night.--NattyThis is what the Doublemint Gum commercials would be like if Doublemint Gum marketed towards the Spike TV crowd instead of oldies who can only chew a half stick at a time and like to heat bagels in the microwave before their instant coffee.Love,Brett ScieszkaThe question is really which one of these broads wouldn't I do it with, and the answer is the one with her flip-flopped foot dragging in the dirt. You filthy, classless whore...-RöbynnHOLY GOD I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. FUCK.-JQP(this post contains zero comedy, but 100% painfully erect fact.) ...

Rock Bottom.
2007-11-01 21:34:00
Do it. Just fucking do it. You haven't bought new clothes since the nineties, the government is suing you for bottling your urine and selling it as beer, and your girlfriend just left you ten years ago. Squeeze the trigger. Although you probably shouldn't use an air pistol; the BB will probably just get lodged in your chin and if you ever try to shave you'll have to use a new razor each time one gets blunted on the protruding chunk of metal. You know what? Who am I kidding? You're never going to shave.--Natty"After a long day of drinking I kind of got a little out of hand and unloaded a clip into the entertainment center and then threatened suicide for seven hours before I passed out (or something like that). Now my girlfriend says I'm not allowed to have a gun anymore. What's that? Yeah, she's pretty pissed."Love,Brett ScieszkaSometime last winter I spent a day and night drinking with a friend of mine, and around 4am we hatched a pretty serious plan to "go in on a gun together." Nei ...
Rock 

sexyback
2007-11-01 21:12:00
I was really excited when I heard that they were releasing the DVD of "Trapped in the Closet" with the behind-the-scenes footage. The best part was hearing R. Kelly's commentary:"Yeah, so, this is the part where the midget be bangin' Bridget. You see, what I did there was I rhymed her name with his smallness. I gotta admit, I wasn't paying much attention while this shit went down. I was too busy rubbing coke onto my pet llama's penis while a toddler dressed as Conan the Barbarian bit my ankles."--NattyYou can justify enjoying lady strippers to yourself pretty easy by imagining that they're enterprising young women who are in the gig temporarily to pay for college or something altruistic like that, yet you always know in your heart that the same can never apply to dude strippers. This guy's not saving money for his grandma's kidney operation or trying to get his law degree, he's busting his ass staying half-hard and simulating cunnilingus with some chubbies so he can put new rims on hi ...

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
2007-11-01 21:06:00
This is why England is no longer the great imperial power it once was: instead of channeling the libido of its' young men into noble pursuits like war it sends them to summer camps where they all hold hands and sing Blur songs while figuring out who's got the skinniest legs and brag about how far they're going to stick their tongues down girls throats once they meet one.--NattyThat is one weird ass Make-A-Wish kid up top there. I mean, yeah, "trip to Disneyland with Brett Favre" isn't very creative, but it's GOT to be more fun than "find me some pre-teens who are down with capri pants, and may or may not be into shouting at a camera." At least Brett would take you to the front of the line for space mountain a few dozen times.-JQPHaha. Look at these silly kids pretending to be 'hard-man' soccer fans. I'd love to just fly down the street cannonball-style and Red-Rover right through the two blonde weenies in plain shirts and fucking culottes. Its kind of like when there's a bunch of ki ...

Gym Class
2007-11-01 20:59:00
Vietnamese gym teachers teach their students strange ways to play ping pong and hand gestures which will serve them well later in life if they ever find themselves in a position to earn some money in a warzone.--NattyI'm beginning to wonder if this whole blog is some weird new Chris Hanson shit where I'm going to be sitting around trying to think of yet other snarky comment about sassy black girls doing something sexual, and that dude is just going to pop out of nowhere and all my friends are going to just laugh and send me lipstick and hair ties while I rot away in pervo prison.-JQPI've heard of gang signs before but this is fucking ridiculous. Love,Brett Scieszka ...
Class  Gym 

Rotissere
2007-11-01 20:58:00
Due to a strange genetic mutation, black lesbians actually have a bigger dick than you. Not only that but they REALLY know how to use it.--NattyI don't care how well you think you know Snoop, or how much you like her on The Wire, fucking around like that for too long and you're gonna get got. It's called method acting, son.-JQP ...

Manwich.
2007-10-26 22:02:00
You can tell how fucked up a culture is by the nature of their pornography, and apparently Philidelphia is pretty fucked up. "Gay Cheesesteakers 5" is a clear example of what happens when your state's Father is that jackass Benjamin Franklin.--NattyI need to carry this picture around for when people try and tell me how gay veganism is. "Oh REALLY...."-JQPWhat would you rather have, the best sandwich in the world or the best sex? If you picked sex, you're pretty much a lying virgin or a saddie anorexic. Why do you think Mario Battali dresses like a gay 90 year old grandma? He's so blissed out on delicious cooking that he couldn't give a shit what the cool hungries are doing.Love,Brett Scieszkathis is a still from my episode of Elimidate-Röbynn ...

No Senator Craig Jokes Allowed!!!
2007-10-26 21:48:00
I stopped at a gas station somewhere in the middle of nowhere on the way to Prague, and in the really gnarly (even by my standards) bathroom was "attended" by a fat old guy who was too busy picking his ass to hand me a towel or a mint or whatever bathroom attendants are supposed to do. But as I walked by he grunted at me and pushed his change cup in my face, demanding a tip. I gave him a few kroner or whatever they're called, because the CR was the one country that still has disneyland money instead of the Euro. But considering the condition of the bathroom, it was like I was paying him to watch me take a leak. And usually I do that deal the other way around.-JQPThis is like when you're a kid and your mom's all trying to change her tampon in the mall bathroom and she's all "stay in the adjacent stall, that way I can see you." Then she yells at you when you do this and you're all "Nu-huh, my foot's still in the stall." Then your mom just totally loses it and starts screaming. Love,B ...
Jokes  Senator 

a day in the park
2007-10-23 22:53:00
This is what magicians call "misdirection" you point away from the real action so that everybody turns their head while your friend the Chinese gargoyle takes a bite out of your nipple.--NattyAsian dudes aren't all that hairy to begin with so when you're trying to score with one of their women its a pretty good idea to take 'em out in the woods and bare your squirrel chest. The combination of masculinity and raw nature will get her so worked up that she'll regress to a feral state of excitement that pretty much guarantees an afternoon of nutso boning. Love, Brett Scieszka ...
Park 

It's getting hot in here...
2007-10-23 22:51:00
The dude on the left is in the larval stage of the metamorphosis process for dudes who start puss-rock bands. He's sprouted the requisite shitbag haircut, but his pupae-esque polo and flip flops have yet to be shed in favor of something more queer. I mean, effeminate. Nature is truly terrifying.-JQP ...

Shazam!
2007-10-23 22:47:00
This guy is actually a "funk monk" from the future when Clinton/Collins (a.k.a. George and Bootsy) are the rulers of a galactocratic empire. He's counting out how many "hail james browns" he's said on his gold rosary bling.--NattyI honestly hope you never have to run into the ghost of Misshapes past. Whenever some dude decides its a good idea to roll up into the party with face glitter, and a necklace he made out of a bunch of stupid McDonald's toys, this little guy pops up and goes "is that all you've got?"Love,Brett ScieszkaYou see how fucking stupid this guy looks? Well, it's exactly how all you assholes who wear those sweatshirts with a million little things printed all over them, Nike's in twelve different colors and flatbrim Yankee hats in purple/green/gold/other wrong colors look, only taller. And hundreds of dollars poorer. Assholes.-JQP ...

Shag on shag
2007-10-23 22:44:00
In Sir David Attenborough's next installment of his "planet earth" series, he travels to the Atlanta of my imagination and films young fertile nubian females presenting themselves to me in an outrageous display of biology which is so hot and nasty that it could only be called a "mating ritual" in some rude farce of language. It would be far more appropriate to call it "the old hot and nasty."--NattyGirl #1: "Check it, my ASS and my dirty face."Girl #2: "Ooh, you too nasty. Here's my ass in modest profile, but I'm just gonna smile."Girl #3: "INTERCOURSE. UNNNNNHHH."-JQP ...

Desi Posse
2007-10-23 21:08:00
I've been to India, so I can speak with some authority when i say that Indian kids have ABSOLUTELY no idea how American pop culture works. For them, the devil horns and "east side" fingers are just as similar to one another as Iron Maiden is to Korn, because the first two involve fingers and the second two involve guitars and they all come from America. I was in a packed, hip nightclub in New Delhi once and right after the DJ played 50 cent, he put on "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and everyone went apeshit. It wasn't even a dance mix of the song. He probably could have followed up with "Lime in the Coconut" and had the place shaking.--NattyInstead of trying to blow up the Pakistan/Afghanistan border we should just airdrop hundreds of thousands of Maiden CD's. In no time these yahoo radicals would start dropping the boring old Qur'ans and start smashing beer cans on their foreheads, losing their virginity in the backseat of a Toyota Tercel, and calling old people gay. So what if they ...

Hat's off!
2007-10-18 22:28:00
David Lynch needs to take some time off. His new movie about flourescent witches who live in an old photograph of a Holiday Inn in Sumatra is way too derivative.--NattyI have this recurring nightmare where girls-gone-wild jump out of the TV screen like in "The Ring" and order me to do shots with them and root for their college football team until I decide I'm completely through with heterosexuality.Love,Brett ScieszkaNow mind you, I haven't seen Brett in a really long time, and I'm not sure that we were ever at the level of acquaintance where it would be acceptable for me to do such a thing, but these last couple posts of his are really cranking up my haze-o-meter, and are giving me the burning desire to swirlie him to appease my inner jock. If his above description is truly "Ring"-like, in that it would induce death, I'd say bring on the burial plot.-JQP ...

Sneak Attack!
2007-10-18 22:26:00
I have a dream in which DJ from Full House goes around snapping the necks of sorority girls and handing out crappy beer. Someone took a photo of that dream.--NattyWhenever you go to a party with regular people there's always that one sorority chick kind of girl who's really loud and has that hoarse Tara Reid voice who's all "who wants to do body shots?" and then when you're all "not me" she makes a really big deal about it and is like "listen, you're DOING body shots with me NOW." Why does this party have two of those girls?Love,Brett ScieszkaI always wondered what it would be like to meet Bizarro Sawyer, and I guess I did a few years ago and didn't even realize it. Also, instead of "Reywas", his name is "Brett."-JQPP.S- Leave Bud Light alone, assholes. ...

Fun in the Sun
2007-10-18 22:14:00
Israeli kids go on spring break at the much younger than Americans do because they've only got a couple more years until they'll be dodging rocks and driving tanks. They're given the years between seven and ten to drink, smoke, and fuck in case they die young.--NattyThese kids have it easy. When my dad was a teen he was a counsellor at this camp that would take urban kids from Flint and make them work on a farm all summer. There was this huge pig and when you went to fill its feed trough you had to beat in the head with a shovel to prevent it from biting you.Love,Brett ScieskzaI didn't realize "Club Med: Pedo Beach" started advertising outside of the NAMBLA community. Risky move, but as they say in the business world, who dares, wins.-JQP ...
Fun 

Up Yours
2007-10-18 22:08:00
It's always a bit strange to meet the life models used by famous painters. It's especially terrifying when that painter is Heironymus Bosch. It must be said that no more vivid example of the wages of sin can be contemplated than this succubus showing you exactly where she's about to stick you.--Natty ...

WE love you long time
2007-10-16 20:30:00
The Christopher Paul Neil reunion was a huge success. OUCH! NO I DIDN'T!--NattyKid in back: "I make THIS MANY Nike's today!"Photographer: "Great, put your damn shirt back on."-JQPWhen you watch those crazy "caught on video shows" have you ever noticed how the rawest shit comes from Southeast Asia? Its always a methed up dude in Thailand taking a butcher's knife to a prime minister's daughter, or a guy trying to rob a bank by running a motor scooter full tilt into the teller's window. Its probably because a lot of those countries are super impoverished but maybe its also because they've all gone fucking nuts from having to deal with this many kids. Love,Brett Scieszka ...
Love  Time 

Glimmer
2007-10-16 20:26:00
When you're the best looking person in the group, you can strike a winning pose and never look stupid because everyone is too busy trying to figure out why you haven't moved to New York with all the other attractive people. The answer is that you'd never get away with a pose like that.--NattyMy Grandmother told me how she used to drive my Uncle around through the black neighborhoods in Cleveland, and he'd say "Mommy, why are they all sitting around on their steps, why aren't they at work?" She'd tell him "It's not their fault, they don't understand that you're supposed to get a job and wake up in the morning and go to work, they just don't know any better." Then she moved to Germany and changed her name and directed "Triumph of the Will." But she was right about not knowing any better about certain things, for instance, not knowing better than to pose like a body double for either Tia or Tamera during their "Sister/Sister" years, just to take all the attention away from your fat fr ...

Up against the wall
2007-10-16 20:22:00
Sometimes when your favorite hooker's test comes back negative you just can't wait and you have to do it right there in he doctor's waiting room.--NattyIs it just me, or does she have little people legs? Seriously. Looks like some kind of freakish hybrid hooker where they grafted a midget hooker together with a regular one. I mean there's a market for everything, so who am I to say what's right. But there's something not quite on the level with this. Well, at least we can all agree she's hookin.-JQP ...
Wall 

Rainbow Coalition
2007-10-16 20:20:00
I can't believe that idiot gave me all his clothes just for that stupid hat. The Phoenix Godzillas ain't even a real team. Oh shit. My hair just exploded. Twice.--NattyWho knew you could rub black people on balloons and get them super static-y? The playful giant at the balloon factory that this poor soul stumbled upon, thats who.-JQPRemember that song "Afro Puffs" by Lady of Rage? Of course you don't. I was walking by the check cashing palce the other day and I saw that she was hanging around outside yelling into her cellphone that she was too friends with Kenan Thompson and that he better take her motherfucking call. Love,Brett Scieszka ...
Coalition  Rainbow 

The Thinker
2007-10-16 20:18:00
Shit. Maybe I shouldn'ta sold my clothes for this hat. Now I can't leave the house to go buy some more clothes. This shit's a vicious circle.--NattyOne time a friend of mine was stuck trying to buy weed in Detroit and got suckered into going all the way up to the top of a parking structure with this crackhead carrying a big bag of cans. When they got to the top my friend was like "Ok dude, where's the weed?" Then the guy starts swinging his sack of cans around like crazy and is all "bitch, give me all your money." My friend was so pissed he dropped the dude with a punch to the stomach and took his bag of cans. True story. Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Money Makin'
2007-10-10 20:10:00
Four. I have four dollars. Yo, you want a hit off of this sweet ass butterfly cocoon?-NattyThanks Sean Combs! You've officially made every suburban arab kid think its cool to dress up like hip-hop Gucci and brag about their Dad's successful contracting business from the front seat of a Denali. Do these greaseballs ever get laid (ever)?Love,Brett ScieszkaSo back home my friend Greg lives down the street from this dude Bobby The Retard. I've known Bobby since he was just this kid, Bobby the Retard, but now he's a grown ass man, at least to whatever extent he'll ever fit that description. He has pretty much the same mustache as this kid, and has had said mustache ever since he was 15 or so. Now, that was an age at which I'm fairly positive he wasn't trusted to use a razor on his own, so his Mom, Pam, must have groomed it for him. Pam also banged her nephew and tried to bang Greg when he was 15, by playing the "no bathing suits in the pool" game a little too forcefully. But it's just ...
Money 

So many things going on right here.
2007-10-10 20:09:00
This is like when your sister comes home for the summer after her first year at liberal arts school. She wears underwear on the outside of her shorts because she's "making us confront gender roles," and she does all sorts of other weird stuff like listen to Devendra Banhart and bring home street people. You're mom's all nervous and goes "who's this you've brought home for dinner dear," and the homeless guy's all "hey bitch, got any insulin?" Love,Brett Scieszka ...

What are you looking at?
2007-10-10 20:05:00
This guy was thrown out of the Greek Senate when they realized that he was not, in fact, a member of the Greek landed gentry, but in fact an Irish Jew by the name of Seamus O'Berkowitz. He was trying to get a bill passed making potato pancakes the official food of Western Civilization.--NattyWhen The Adventures of Pete and Pete got cancelled, older Pete resorted to giving hand jobs at the local bathhouse to pay the bills. Where is Artie: the strongest man in the world when you need him?- James"Oh, like I'm the only guy in HISTORY OF THE WORLD to have a LITTLE TOO MUCH to drink and wake up outside a bath house wrapped in a bedsheet. Some friends. I call you because I need a ride home and you show just show up to laugh at me. You know, Herschel, there was a time that you needed someone to lie to your mom about whose copy of Hustler she found under your mattress, and I took the fall like a real friend. It's times like this that I question just how much of a mensch you really are. So ...

Happy Birthday
2007-10-10 20:02:00
It's always creepy when the only photos they have of missing children are provided with no context. For example, these teenaged twins were actually taking part in a Satanic mass when this was taken, not a birthday party at the beach. The eager demonic intensity of their eyes are all the proof you need that this was a prelude to a massive multi-generational multi-racial multi-specied blood orgy. I should know, I've seen that look a thousand times.--nattyThere's few things sadder than a birthday party on the set of a combination incest/snuff film. Let your spirit soar children, your bodies shall soon perish. Unless Nic Cage saves you. Fingers crossed.-JQP ...
Birthday  Happy Birthday