A Panel of Experts Details

Sister, Sister
2007-10-10 19:38:00
I wish that I had two YNN's (Young Nubile Nubians) crawling around on the carpeted floor outside my apartment. I'd wake up every morning to the sound of them scratching at my door, demanding more A-Treat Cola in a dish and a cocoa-butter scented bubble-bath. I would return home from work every day and roll around with them on the floor while they read articles from The Source to me. You can probably tell I've never actually dated a black girl.--NattyMy friend back home has a pickup truck (shut up) and on the first nice day of spring a few years ago a few of us took off our shirts and cruised around downtown Albany sitting in the pickup bed. We went to visit the library my friend works at which is in the raw ass section of town, and all the little black kids started laughing at us and going "SICK DUDES, METALLLLL, ROCK AND ROLL." We really didn't have anything to clap back with, so we sheepishly put our shirts back on and drove away. Now whenever I see black people making the some v ...
Sister

Strange Bedfellows
2007-10-05 22:34:00
I was hesitant to post this, because it's always controversial to talk about underage furries. However, in the interest of freedom of speech and open inquiry, I have posted this photograph in the hopes that we can understand the cause of these mental abberations and eventually work together to give these poor infants the help they most desperately need. We shouldn't have to see pictures like this anymore.--NattyYou've heard of prison gay, where dudes who spend time locked up get out but still keep fucking dudes because it's what they're used to, right? Well here's a newer phenomenon known as "time out gay." Preschool done changed.-JQPRemember when you were a kid and all you needed to conk out and catch some z's was a stuffed animal with a silly name? Nowadays my stuffed animals have silly names like Valium, Codeine, and Xanax. Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Body Surfing
2007-10-05 22:28:00
In the weeks following hurricane Katrina thousands of pieces of trash were found floating in the water.-NattyYou know what's a really fun game to play when you're swimming with some buds? You act like you're wrestling and jump on someone's back then just let loose and pee as much as possible. When they start to feel the warmth hold on tight and say "Ah ha ha, I'm peeing on you." Love,Brett Scieszka ...
Body Surfing

WEEEEE!!!!
2007-10-05 22:15:00
Picture this, if you will: you have a recurrent dream every single night. You're cruising down an East Texas highway, the horizon stretching out, dividing the heavens from the firmament, the sun painting the sky every hue of lifeblood, and the symettry of nature bespeaks untold volumes of cosmic poetry unto your soul. The radio stays floating between channels, purring out a blissful static hiss as the road beneath you seems to urge you onward at steady velocity and the telephone poles fly past; signposts to the future, modern megaliths creating a new vocabulary of digital worship.The next thing you know, a giant man with Down Syndrome is careening toward you in a massive yellow bumper car. You try to dodge, but find your steering wheel locked. Every time you press the gas, he only seems to gain on you. Finally, as he, comes to within 6 inches of your rear he bellows out "I STEAL YOUR OIL WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"Now imagine you're President Bush and you wake in a cold sweat to this each a ...

Nitrous
2007-10-01 19:23:00
I've been to Manchester, and this is pretty much exactly what it's like. Everyone is high on E and NO2 and they all kind of look like they're a bit too old to still be doing that. It's a pretty awesome town.--NattyI've never seen Nitrous in balloon form in real life, but having worked at coffee shops throughout most of high school you get really familiar with the whipped cream version. When it was crazy packed on weekend nights there would be a sign-up sheet in the back room of who got dibs on the next can. When it was your turn you'd go out back, sit on a milk crate, suck on the nozzle, have a glorious high for like 20 seconds, and then realize you're sitting out by a dumpster wearing a stupid shirt and a stupid apron. Love,Brett ScieszkaComing this fall to ABC: "Two Guys, A Girl, and a falsified rape charge."--SawyerRemember in Boogie Nights when Dirk Diggler asks Amber Waves “Do I look cool doing it?” when he tries cocaine for the first time? I wish these people asked each othe ...

Out on the corner.
2007-10-01 19:20:00
God, remember Buenos Aires in the late 70's? Their fashions were a bit behind, and the women carried themselves like gay men, but you just wanted to grab a handful of overall-busting tit and have at it while she giggled and her friend flipped through a magazine, bored with the whole situation.--NattyIts completely insufferable when some dredlocked hippy with that awful black perma-filth on his feat that people get from wearing sandals too much is telling you about his latest drug experience, but how fun is it to go to some crappy movie (preferably Sci-Fi) with two of your favorite lady-buds while they're wigging out on ecstasy? That's kind of fun.Love,Brett ScieszkaI figured the "lets dress like we fell into a garbage bag" trend that's all the rage with fashionable girls these days would end eventually. What I didn't figure on was it being replaced with plastic surgery to the end of gremlinizing one's features and dressing like someone's pregnant mom who still hangs out with her cons ...

WAAAAAH!!!!
2007-10-01 19:18:00
I had told them the Geico cavemen were a terrible idea for a sitcom, but after watching this little neanderthal act like an asshole for half an hour, I was won over to the concept.--NattyIts really sad and embarrassing, but sometimes my old lady and I get into arguments about how to raise children. Basically she pictures some super liberal child rearing philosophy based on love and caring where all I really want is for my kid to call me "The Colonel" and address me as "sir." I'll ship 'em off to boarding school as soon as they can walk, and their Christmas presents will be new buttons, shoe polish, and a small jar of jam. Above the children's door will be a wooden sign carved with words "West Point, not Wesleyan." Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Ice-cold goodness.
2007-10-01 19:14:00
After I'd lured these girls back to my room at the Super 8 motel, I wired their jaws shut into smiles and told them that if they let go of these bottles of Smirnoff Ice I would garrotte them with a cord I wove together from my own collected body hair. After 39 straight hours of holding the bottles I snapped this picture: their arms were getting pretty tired. Hence the look of total fear in their eyes.--NattyThis is like when you just start college and you think that if you bring a case of Smirnoff Ice to Carly and Vanessa's dorm room they'll totally touch your penis. Sorry Jack, in a few hours Carly's going to get the ends of her hair all wet in the toilet when she's ralphing and Vanessa's going to lie and say she only dates black guys.Love,Brett ScieszkaSee, this is EXACTLY what I think about when I hear "Smirnoff Ice." Blonde teenage girls, ready to make some poor choices. Though to be fair, it's also what I think about when I hear "the", "a", "what" and most phrases that contain ...
Ice

Whoa.
2007-09-18 20:22:00
Oh man, how big of a wet dream would this be for some cheesy "independent film" director. They're all quirky and mismatched with plenty of sass to spare, but at the end of the day they call themselves family. Also its nice to see Chunk from "The Goonies" acting again.Love,Brett ScieszkaThis just looks like if all your lame indie rock friends grew up without changing their wardrobes. Because come on, all those dicks are raiding grandpa's closet right now anyway- Röbynn ...

B-Boy Stance
2007-09-18 20:15:00
Whenever Africans from Africa come to America some of them end up getting really into food, they all end up charging way too much money on their cell phones, and they get kitted out in the hottest bootleg L.L. Bean gear. For some reason they also hang out with Saruman's ogres from Lord of the Rings (pictured in top left.)--NattyP.S. How come the only two people wearing sunglasses in this picture are the guys standing in the shade? Dumbasses.Thanks Outkast! That song "Hey-ya" got played a bazillion times on the radio until the nice catchy tune turned into a Pavlovian nightmare, and made a bunch of black dudes think "being a clown" and "being funky" are the same thing. I'd make fun of them but they'd still beat the shit out of me. Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Snow Bank
2007-09-18 20:13:00
Every year each Canadian town has to sacrifice one child to the god of snowboarding. --NattyHow fun was it in elementary school to play "King of the Hill" on a huge snow pile? You could wail on your friends as hard as you wanted to and they probably wouldn't get too hurt because of all the thick winterwear, and if you did skin your elbow or something you could just rub snow on it. Then the recess lady's all "stop that this instant," and you're all whispering "she is such a B-I-T-C-H."Love,Brett ScieszkaDad is drinking a beer, leaning on the leg of his dead child. How sweet is that...- RöbynnWhen I was 16 I got picked up by the cops at some party for having a bag of weed and being all wasted on the couch, which is the only reason I didn't run like everyone else when the cops showed up. My mom had friends from college visiting and they had to leave the house and come pick me up at 4 in the morning. My punishment included having to wake up at 7am to play bocce ball with the whole fami ...
Bank Snow

Another Family Reunion
2007-09-18 20:11:00
The really creepy thing is that this is five seperate generations together under one roof and nobody is older than 35.--NattyGrandpa Brett says Families are like turds. They all stink unless its your own.Love,Brett ScieszkaIf I hear the guy on the far right say "Nice tatts bro, where ya get yer ink done?" one more time I'm going to make my Mom the happiest woman alive by taking a cheesegrater to all my tattoos.--Sawyer ...
Family

The Kiddie Table
2007-09-18 20:07:00
I know Prince Harry has a record of making stupid faces and hanging out with completely inbred retards, but this is too much, even for him. However, whoever this photographer was, they did a terriffic job of arranging the prince's entourage in such a brilliantly haloing way that the majesty of royalty really comes across. Also... where are they? The set of Charlie Rose? I can't think of anywhere else that black.--NattyRemember how awkward it was when you were fourteen and didn't know whether you were supposed to sit at the kids table or the adults table? On one hand the adults are talking about boring things like who got divorced, and how much a mortgage costs, but on the other hand your little cousin is mashing macaroni and cheese into her hair and its kind of grossing you out. Meanwhile, all you really want to do is go out into the driveway and practice your ollie. Love,Brett Scieszka ...
Table

Family Reunion
2007-09-18 19:57:00
I love it when Muslim countries, for all their constant west-bashing, try to make their own versions of American cultural icons. Of course there couldn't be a Syrian "Fantastic Four!" What family only has four members? Their headquarters is cleverly situated in a cabin decorated with bedsheets from National Wholesale Liquidators, and their shiny clothing strikes fear into the heart of the infidel. Their ranks include:Sheik Fantastic: He can turn alcohol into fruit juice, thereby pleasing Allah. He also wears a scarf around his waist to hide the erections he gets whenever he sees a woman's bare elbow.Omar the Grinning Idiot: He rides a bootleg Ducatti scooter to the red light district where he secretly indulges in pork. (He gets killed by his father in the first episode to protect the family honor.)Khalid, Rashid, and Louie: Whoever was writing this show clearly got FF confused with Ducktales.Naturally, all three women are "The Invisible Woman" because they're never allowed out of the ...
Family

Mine too.
2007-09-13 20:13:00
This is the problem with swinger parties. You and your date go in order to have some freaky sex, and you end up getting groped by Stan Lee, his brother, and their twin wives. In fact, swinger parties are just a desperate attempt to expand the Lee gene pool. You don't think that anyone with a normal chromosome count would come up with the "Fantastic Four" do you? In fact, Mr. Fantastic is what he goes by at anonymous sex parties.--NattyI can't stop imagining their epic dinner parties with never-ending conversations about green technology and how funny "Gray's Anatomy" is. Rhonda will tell everybody about "the crazies" she meets at her job at the DMV, and Neil will loan Carl this "awesome Frank Herbert novel." P.S. if you didn't already guess they're Unitarians. Love,Brett ScieszkaThat's strange, these are my best friends.- WillDid you know that when two sets of identical twins reproduce with another set of twins the offspring are biologically siblings? Did you also know when two sets o ...

Mother, tell your children not to walk my way....
2007-09-13 20:06:00
Today in Branson, Missouri, two young Romanian immigrant girls stole a pair of twins in order to sacrifice them to the gypsy tree god. The infants were dressed in ceremonial robes (where do you think the Nazis got the idea for numbered yellow stars on concentration camp uniforms?) and then their genitals were tickled until their testicles descended prematurely. The women then left the children in an Applebee's bathroom, as is the custom, and went back to hitting each other with ugly sticks.--NattyHow dare you associate Danzig with these whores.- RöbynnI like that whole Uncle thing where you can play with a kid and have a good time without having to deal with all the awful stuff that comes with having a kid for real. Like you're playing with your nephew and all of a sudden he pukes all over your brother's carpet and you're just laughing really hard, and then the kid craps himself and it leaks out of his diaper onto the carpet and the dog comes over and starts licking it up and you're ...
Children

Beach Panel Bingo
2007-09-07 21:10:00
Summer is coming to an end, so before you pack up your swim trunks, waterproof tampons, and pina colada-flavored roofies, enjoy some of our favorite beach photos. When people think of Jamaica, they think of Marijuana and Bob Marley, but when they go to Jamaica, they spend most of their time doing this: drinking watered-down Red Stripe out of plastic cups, tooling around in the gayest watercraft known to man (the paddleboat) and listening to steel drums being played by a smiling black man who is dying inside but does it so that his children don't have to work in the paddleboat factory. Then when they get back to the office, they talk about how awesome Jamaica is and how friendly the natives are. Meanwhile the girl they had met the night before was raped and knifed in Kingston the following afternoon.--NattyOh man, so one time I went on vacation with my family to Aruba and I was having all these crazy weird mental problems, and I was a straight up miserable nervous wreck. So I'm hanging ...
Beach

Tilt your head back.
2007-09-04 20:51:00
Not content with date rape, young college men have found a new pastime: "birding." This involves regurgitating food into the mouth of your "chick."--NattyI saw this one "true crime" show where a bunch of dudes in an SUV accosted one of their female friends and were like "bitch if you don't do everything we say we'll kill you." So they drove her into the woods, and made her dig her own grave, and pointed a gun at her, and she's totally sobbing and shitting her pants, and then at the last second they were all "psych! You should see your face. hahahahaha." Isn't that the most fucked-up thing you've ever heard? Love,Brett Scieszka ...

What?
2007-09-04 20:48:00
...

Wacky!
2007-09-04 19:41:00
I'm not sure what the significance of the "scissor" sign is to this gang of eunuchs, but I am impressed that they managed to hang from the ceiling and take the picture upside down (as demonstrated by the wine glasses.) The expressions of horror on their faces are because gravity is slowly pulling their menstrual blood toward their faces.--NattyI'm not really that into LA but every once in a while I have these weird Bret Easton Ellis fantasies where I'm a super-rich spoiled kid who drives around town in a Mercedes and lacks any sense of sincerity or social conscience. Standing on the edge of the pool, naked (except for my shades) holding an empty whiskey bottle I yell "NOTHING MATTERS" and fall face first into the water.Love,Brett Scieszka ...

My beard used to be THIS big!
2007-08-30 22:24:00
It's kind of cool that Eastern Europe has it's own Santa Claus, even if his workshop is next to the Municipal Waste Processing River and his toys are all just made up of variations in amounts of oil and rags and powdered lead, and he actually hates children and sacrifices them to Apollo whenever he gets a chance and if he doesn't get the traditional Vodka and Cigarette offering when he climbs into your house through the toilet, he shits in your grain, and he rides on a carpet made of woven pubes pulled by a giant maggot and his workers are cripples instead of elves, and he lets his leper friend Grilshk rape girls with his arm-stump on their thirteenth birthday. Actually, Santinski Klausch is fucking awesome.--Natty“Just like Oscar the Grouch.”- JamesThis is like when you go see your estranged Grandfather for the first time in 15 years and the only thing you remember about him is that he always used to give you these shitty Christmas presents homemade out of electronic junk and dri ...

Scream real loud!
2007-08-30 22:19:00
I knew it was a bad idea to abduct an ENTIRE girl scout troupe. Every time I tried to show them my piercings and describe where I like to keep my collection of pickled genitals , they just called me a poopy-head and started laughing at me. It really hurt my feelings, and I nearly filled my gas-mask up with tears. It was almost enough to make a man turn in his collar and his bible. Almost.--NattyYou know when you're hanging out in the woods and you roll over a rotten log and there's this huge mess of nasty, fat, white maggots wriggling all over each other and just doing their thing? This is the same thing only you're delivering room service in a Motel-8 to a Senior Trip group. Love,Brett ScieszkaThe reason they advise you to take the comforter off of a hotel room bed is not because it’s dirty from countless porno shoots, but because it’s dirty from countless fat and ugly girls posing for pictures on it.- James ...

The Humpty-Hump
2007-08-30 22:16:00
"Shit, we caught the unabomber!""Quick, fuck him in the ass!""Dammit, I just realized, I don't have a penis!""Here, I'll put mine between your legs and you can use it as though it were your own.""Thanks, Yokozuna!""No, problem.""Hey, why is that guy taking a picture?""Nevermind, just smile."--NattyP.S. We do have a lot of hump-trains on this website. If you've ever been to one of our infamous "Parties of Experts" you would know why.The Black-Eyed Peas suck.Love,Brett ScieszkaThe freak-train again!! Is there something I’m missing? I guess it’s the American equivalent of that peace sign Japanese people do in pictures all the time.- James ...

Girlz in da hood.
2007-08-30 22:12:00
It's always nice to find out that there are still little pockets of America where Good Times is still the number one show, acid-washed jeans are the shit, and the streets are ruled by black teenage lesbians who never stop smiling. This is what Sesame Street was supposed to be until the Klan turned it into a family show. Oscar's trashcan was more like Uncle Tom's Cabin.--NattyIts a given that I'm scared of being made fun of by sassy black Brooklyn teenagers. But what if they were nice to you and let you hang out? It would make the rest of your friends look like MIT linguistics majors with asthma who are constantly JO-ing to cartoon porn on the internet. Love,Brett ScieszkaI could get down with these girls. Sure we probably don’t like the same music, but at least they’re not going to yell at me from across the street. It’s called: respect.- James ...

IMPORTANT INFO!!!
2007-08-28 19:47:00
The Panel is NOW ACCEPTING APPLICANTS for membership!!!If you think you're funny and cruel enough to mock others' unfortunate photographs, send an email to nattyadams@gmail.com commenting on one (or several!) of the photos on this website. If we think you're good enough, you could be the newest expert in our family! And if we think you suck, please send us a photo of yourself so we can all make fun of it.--Natty ...
Info

Painted Man
2007-08-28 19:42:00
Wow. Where to begin? I'm convinced that the joker on his stomach was tattooed on by his Insane Clown Posse-Loving nephew while he was passed out after too many Cisco-and-colas. The Shark on his shoulder was apparently so cool he had to get a couple more on his neck. And the claim "Till My Casket Drops" makes no positive affirmation of what will presumably be ongoing until such time as his casket does, in fact, drop. Will he be getting tattooed until his casket drops? Drinking? Sleeping? Studying? I wonder if his son has one that says "till my testes drop."--NattyP.S. James, Brett, Robynn: As tattoo enthusiasts you must have some insight which I lack.I always like it when I see an old guy with lousy tattoos. When you ask him about them he's all "oh this piece 'a shit? I was doing a lot of meth and I had just joined this skinhead gang and it seemed like the right thing to do." Then you both laugh and shoot guns at a couch in his backyard. Love,Brett ScieszkaYou know those office executi ...
Painted

M.I.L.V. (The V stands for vomit all over)
2007-08-28 19:31:00
We Americans get a lot of shit for our overly enthusiastic, dangerously-obsessive celebrity worship, but when your alternative is Izmervina, the "Chechnyan Britney Spears," is the decision that hard to make? Her hair has been dyed by years of radiation exposure, and that baby isn't even her own. She stole it from an Uzbeki whore whom she bested in a knife fight (and they think our pop stars are trailer trash.) The worst part is that government officials have to check her lyrics to make sure they conform to party platforms and with song titles like "Chechen Breast Milk is Purity for Childy Baby, not Like Milk of Withered Kumyk Bosom Which is Poison-Made," some have speculated that government goons are actually writing her songs themselves. However, these claims are unfounded because those who made them have subsequently dissapeared.--NattyThe best part of this photo is that on the other end of the camera is a guy who's like "Look at my beautiful wife. Look at my beautiful child. My fam ...
Stands Vomit

Splish Splash
2007-08-28 19:02:00
Gore Vidal payed a lot of money to have this room added to his house. He pays the boys loads to splash each other and laugh while he watches them from behind his two-way mirror and drinks sparkling honey from a bowl made of frozen sperm.--NattyIn 7th grade I broke my arm by slipping near the pool in gym class. When I lifted myself up I saw my arm was in this really weird shape that it wasn't supposed to be in. I was kind of in this cool shock/fascination haze for a moment until the girl next to me started screaming. Then it fucking hurt. Love,Brett ScieszkaI don’t care if you think peeing in the pool or hot tub is funny. It’s gross. You wouldn’t sit in the toilet would you?- James ...

Home Alone
2007-08-28 18:57:00
I really hope that this is a still frame from one of those PSAs where the next thing that happens is the dad walks in and goes, "What the hell are you doing? Where did you learn that?" And the kid tearfully says "I learned it from you, dad! I learned it from you!" Then the realization that one can't be a good parent without being a good role model slowly spreads across the father's countenance as he resolves to never pretend to sodomize his buddy with a couch cushion while said buddy headbutts his cousin in the stomach and gives a thumbs up.--NattyHow fun is it to just be a kid and totally fuck around all the time. After an afternoon of making prank phone calls with your friend's caller ID scrambler, and talking about Jessica's "huge tits," you open the freezer and go "holy shit, my Mom never lets us have pizza rolls!" Your friend's all "Dude, let's eat the whole box."Love,Brett ScieszkaWhat scares me is not that these kids are doing the “I’m fucking my friend with a phallic objec ...

Death Wish
2007-08-22 22:24:00
I thought that remaking "The Deerhunter" was a bad enough idea, but casting Ellen Degeneres in the lead role is just box office poison.--NattyI just want this little bitch turn out to be gay so he can redecorate his mother's atrocious fucking living room. This kid should join the fab five and limit the use of patterns in any space to a fab two. Do I see a chenille throw? AND a brocade pillow? Honestly, what the fuck is going on here? This living room makes my queer sensibilities hurt. No wonder this little fag wants to shoot himself.-RöbynnThis kid must be some sort of Croatian Gypsy because you can't find toy guns that cool anywhere in America. All the ones I had as a kid were so garish and brightly colored it looked like Lisa Frank and Elton John did a designer series for GI Joe. If you rolled up on the local game of "Cowboys and Indians" with that thing all the kids would drop their weapons and rally around the new warlord. Love,Brett ScieszkaMom: I don’t get it. Why did h ...
Death

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