A Panel of Experts A panel of experts discuss photographs from all over the internet.

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Line 'em up!
2007-08-22 22:22:00
While completing the nighttime drunk-cycling leg of the Four-Person Bicycle Tour de France, Sandy fell asleep after she was roofied by Lance Armstrong.--NattyHow weird are people who are really into Crew? They have these huge buff upper bodies with spindly little chicken legs. It kind of makes them look like cartoon bouncers who went to Yale. Love,Brett ScieszkaBachelorette parties always put a smile on my face. They sit around talk about sex, drink a few cosmos, and make the bride-to-be wear a penis on her head. It’s like Disneyland compared to what her soon to be husband is doing at his bachelor party (blowing rails and getting a BJ from the stripper while his best man hoots and hollers).- James ...

Tough
2007-08-22 22:17:00
This lesbian is really upset that her combination chair-shorts clash with the dollar-store minimalism of her adobe hut and dry-grass carpet. That, and she can't even figure out how to use velcro. She's indicating to the cameraman that she's been trying for two hours already.--NattyWhat's up homeboy? I thought you were hetero too, til I noticed the cum all over your shorts. Not that I have a problem with that. But your boyz might. Don't worry - your secret's safe with me.-RöbynnThis is totally what its like when your friend drops out of high school and gets a job working for Time Warner. You go over to their new completely unfurnished apartment to drink some beers but then leave early when you realize that all you're gonna end up doing is playing old Sega Genesis games on a ten inch TV screen, from a blue beanbag all day. Love,Brett Scieszkavisit http://www.humor-blogs.com/ ...

Cuddle
2007-08-22 22:16:00
This guy had sex with one of his "Dawgz" and then gave birth to an actual dog. They're going to raise it to be a professional Michael Vick Fighting League champion.--NattyThis guy looks like a wombat. It's as simple as that-RöbynnIt would be a lot sweeter and a lot less depressing if this guy was part of some satanic varsity cult that used unholy rites to breed dog/human hybrids that live in the sewer and feast upon homeless people and promiscuous teenagers instead of some rat-stached high school kid who got his girl pregnant and is practicing how to properly hold a baby with the family dog. Love,Brett ScieszkaCheating on your girlfriend with her pet cat carries the same responsibilities. You get it pregnant. You have to support it. It’s called being a man.- James ...

A very special "Panty Panel"
2007-08-20 19:02:00
Hey, we know some panel experts have been M.I.A. (not the singer) for a while. Well, to make it up to you, we've focused on what matters to people all over the world: people in underwear, at parties, looking ridiculous. Let's do this:Bat Mitzvahs are fun, but only if you serve giant tumblers of Orangina and Rum and invite your one wacky goyim friend who taught you how to vomit and described a penis as tasting a bit like shrimp. When you told her you weren't allowed to eat shrimp because of the Torah, she looked at you and said, that's okay, sperm tastes kind of like Lox. You both laughed for hours. Then when she thought you were asleep she put her hand down your "friday" underpants and you wondered if it was a sin to do that on the sabbath.--NattyI am not even going to lie and say I don't own those blue underpants. I b ought them at Daffy's, probably right after this nasty bitch tried them on. Which I think means my cooter and this girl's cooter have touched, because I also didn ...

I'm ever so wacky!
2007-08-16 21:45:00
Great. You had a theme party in your dorm room and this guy decided to completely ignore "Canadian Christmas" and just grabbed whatever he could find and ended up as "sherlock holmes-leprechaun-pilgrim-metamucil-musketeer." Every time you're trying to talk to someone he walks up and starts speaking in a terrible Welsh-by-way-of-China accent and laughing to himself. He occasionally refills his glass with two healthy tablespoons of fibery goodness and vodka. Right now you're wondering if you should ask a frat boy for a roofie so you can leave this guy in an alleyway somewhere far away from you. Seriously, nobody would blame you if you did.--NattyYou know you're in a bad relationship when you're trying to express your deep seated dissatisfaction with your significant other's "go-nowhere" attitude and after you finish he pops out of the bathroom like this and goes "Would this make a funny picture? Take a picture of me." Love,Brett ScieszkaIn major metropolitan areas it’s not uncomm ...

Willing Suspension of Trousers.
2007-08-16 21:39:00
"Yeah, what up, bitch? You up for a bit of the old ultra-violence? Some of the old in-out in out? Shit, me and my droogies gon' drink some moloko... hey... where are you going? No, don't leave. Please, look, I promise we'll do 'Ghost' next. Okay? Awesome.... yeah, so, like I was saying; viddy well, my little devotchka...."--NattyP.S. Suspenders + Belt = reduntant = looks like an asshole.I don't know what it is, but the combination of wall decoration in this room is really creepy to me. I keep picturing Jeffrey Dahmer on the other end of the camera wiggling a $100 bill and holding a power drill behind his back. Love,Brett ScieszkaThe only people allowed to wear suspenders and belts at the same time are fireman. It serves a utilitarian purpose. This just serves a TOOLtarian purpose.- James ...

Good Morning!
2007-08-16 21:35:00
One day I woke up and I was married to this. I tried to kill myself, but I couldn't open my bottle of pills so I just threw it on the nightstand. Then I tried to choke to death on slimjims, but those things are so flexible that they just worked their way down my gullet. Now I have to wake up every morning next to an Andy Richter lookalike with the fashion sense of Bill Gates. Someone hand me my red satin purse so I can throw up in it.--NattyThis is that part where you and your wife go "Can we talk to you for a moment Cory? We just wanted you to know that we love you and will always be fully supportive of whatever lifestyle you chose. You know that right?" Then Cory goes "wait you think I'm.........Whoooooaa maybe I am."Love,Brett ScieszkaWhat are you guys talking about?! The Princess Leia meets Al Boreland is working for me. The 10 year old me is reading comics with her in my tree house, and when my bike breaks she fixes it because I don’t want to get my hands dirty (I know, I’m ...

Girls on Film
2007-08-16 21:33:00
I know we don't usually share personal photos, but I wanted you all to know what it looks like when I shave my body, put on a two piece and a wig, and sodomize my friend while forcing her to take a photograph of it in the mirror. There's a name for what I do, but it's far to long and Latinate for me to remember.--NattyThis is an illustration from the book Natty and I have been writing since college titled “How to Get White Girls Pregnant.” This is from Chapter 8: Sneak Attack (so she thinks you’re a girl).- JamesIts pretty dreadful dying a slow cancerous death, but think of it this way: once you shuffle off this mortal coil these girls are the first thing you'll see.Angel 1: "Hi handsome, welcome to heaven!" Angel 2: "We need to take a picture for your new ID tag." You: "Why are you on the ground like that?" Angle 2: "Because it turns you on silly!"You: "This is heaven." Love,Brett Scieszka ...
Film 

River Phoenix is that you?
2007-08-16 21:26:00
Holy shit, this guy just got back from his local "9/11 was an inside job" chapter meeting which culminated in all of the members blowing each other while simultaneously giving each other a congratulatory reach-around pat on the back for being "so smart" and "ever vigilant" and "true patriots" for "courageously" looking beyond mere "facts" and nobly subjecting the world to their paranoid conjectures based on misinformation. When he walked in the front door, he asked his mom to take a picture of him so he could have a record of the day he finally became a man. She started crying and begged him to get a job. He said "spreading the truth is a job, mom. The most important job of all." Then his father's corpse spun so fast in his grave that all the earthworms died.--NattyMan, nothing pisses me off more than when people write on T-shirts and shoes and arms with sharpies. Its also terrible when people write NIN and NOFX on their backpack in white out. You can almost smell this guy's gross h ...
Phoenix  River 

A Very Special Matrimonial Panel
2007-08-13 20:47:00
Ok, we understand how some might think we're going to far by mocking people's wedding pictures. We can already hear the complaints:"It's the happiest day of someone's life!""It's a sacred occasion!""Experts, I told you I'd only do that on your birthday! It makes me sore!"Well, here's what we have to say to all that:If your wedding is the best day of your life, then you clearly have never taken a vacation to the Cocaineandfellatio Islands (actually, those islands aren't as great as they sound. They have a conflicting product and service economy.)And if you think that the Panel would ever bow down to the sacred, think again.And we promise to be gentle, really! Our birthday is so far away! Don't you want to prove your love to us?Nothing turns you into a man faster than war. And nothing will turn you into a pathetic shell of a man like marrying young. All his hard work risking his life to defend democracy will amount to is four kids, a job sweeping shells off the floor at the loca ...

Streeeetch.
2007-08-09 20:09:00
Irony has become the new cool. But not in the way you’re thinking. It’s like when your mom use to ask you if something was “cool.” If you have to ask, then you don’t know. I can picture this guy’s mother sending him this outfit with a note attached that says “Hey Bobby, found these clothes. I hope they’re ironic enough for you. – Love, Mom”- JamesContrary to popular belief there's no irony involved here. Dude is just at a crazy beer bar and needs to be in tip-top shape if he's gonna finish every Belgian White, India pale ale, Bock, Stout, and English Bitter on that menu behind him. He's the Prefontaine of boozers.Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Rock on
2007-08-09 20:03:00
How much shall we wager that those boxes of fabric and pillowcases belong to him, and he likes to cover himself in talc and swaddle himself in a cosy four-poster bed every night while listening to Zeppelin and playing with his lip ring. Someone needs to tell the punk rock chick that metalhead dudes aren't what she's looking for. It's like Charles Bukowski trying to hang out with William Blake. He's just nowhere near the same league.--Natty Ehh. Still better than hip-hop.- JamesRemember how complicated screamo band names could get? Shit was like: "As I Lay Here Naked From the Waist Down With Atrophied Legs," or "Today is the Day I Make Lady Vengeance My Own," or "Stars Mistaken For Dreams In Texas." That was exhausting no? Love,Brett Scieszka ...
Rock 

Say Aaah...
2007-08-09 20:00:00
Holy shit! What the fuck is wrong with this girl's tongue? It's like Winnie the Pooh is trying to climb out of her throat, but he's only managed to get two fingers out so far. She should leave the castle and go seek out the local barber so he can apply some leeches.--NattyVisit http://humor-blogs.com/!I don’t get Sparks. It tastes gross and it turns your mouth orange for hours. Why don’t you just drink a beer and do a line like a normal person?- JamesAnd the winner of the Sarah Lawrence/Wesleyan/Oberlin student of year award goes to this solipsistic little flower. Mommy and Daddy sent her off to get a degree in alternative horticulture practice and transgender studies. It is too a real education!Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Nodding off
2007-08-09 19:55:00
Hillbilly-bling-bling-hawaiian skirt themed parties always end up with you drunk at a table, while your gay flat-topped half-brother tries to keep your head from falling into a Filet-o-fish extra value meal.--NattyIt’s pretty effing lazy to have theme party and have it “catered” by McDonalds. It’s something Rachel Ray would do. “And if your running late, juts pick up some Mickey D’s, Yum-O!” I hate Minnesota.- JamesOne thing I've never understood about the whole shitty Cabo/Cancun Spring Break scene is why the locals put up with it? Oh yeah, its because they're starving and whenever this corn-fed bro gets drunk $20 bills fall out of his skirt. Viva Zapata!Brett ScieszkaVisit http://humor-blogs.com/! ...

'rasslin
2007-08-07 21:29:00
When Jimmy's parents went away for the weekend, he had friends over. They brought Tequiza. Then Jimmy told everyone he was sooooo drunk that he had to get naked and lie down. Now he's pretending to be passed out while his elbow feels the most sublime body heat known to man. This is going to be one great summer.--Natty sometimes girls roofie boys, too. like in this instance. except girls are way cleaner and more thoughtful than boys. that's why she just purelled his entire body and is about to hit his mouth with a little blast of binaca. before the party really starts.-erinWhen you’re backpacking through Europe you’re not going to end up with the one hot French girl who shaves. The reality is you’re going to hook up with a dirty Canadian who is going to offer you a back massage. When you get home you can split the difference and tell your friends you had sex with a hairy Swedish girl. - JamesHeroin withdrawal obviously sucks. It feels like you've got bugs crawling under your ...

O face
2007-08-07 21:24:00
Dear women:When you look up and see this staring back at you, do you ever think "hey, you know what? I could have spared myself this image of a musclebound manchild who looks like he's about to vomit lactic acid and instead slept with a man who, although not in peak physical condition, knows how to dress, dance, and speak, and appreciates beauty, charm, and wit. Someone like Natty." Do you?Call me if you do.--NattyP.S. I promise I will never talk about you as though you weren't in the room. Even when you aren't in the room.This is the face of a man who just nutted in someone's eye...immediately after someone nutted in his eye. Yowzer.-RöbynnThis poor guy looks like he entered into some stupid contest with his friends to see who could masturbate the most times in a day. He's only on number five, and already starting to lose his peripheral vision and balance. Pretty soon he's going to need the most epic sandwich imaginable. P.S. When did this site turn into Natty's Eharmony profi ...

Strike a pose
2007-08-07 21:23:00
She might be hot if it weren't for that crooked face. Blame Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.-RöbynnHer Principle is looking at this photo on Myspace and trying to decide if disciplinary action is appropriate. Meanwhile her Math teacher's looking at the same photo and trying to gauge if she'll do oral on him. Love,Brett ScieszkaI can’t wait when her dad is masturbating to this picture only to stop in the middle to go tell her to clean her room.- James ...

Family Time
2007-08-07 21:22:00
When your family dinner consists of potato chips in a footbath and your TV rests on top of your wine rack, either your in laws are hillbillys or you have a wonderful sense of surrealism.--NattyThis looks like when you have to go to one of your girlfriend's family functions and you didn't realize that the host is a recovering alcoholic or fundamentalist Christian that doesn't drink at all, and you brought two six packs that you have to keep on the porch outside because they won't allow 'the poison' in their home. Its pretty awkward at first, but you loosen up when you and your lady start cracking beers outside with the only other guy there that drinks. Love,Brett ScieszkaHome speed dating never really took off. The two most attractive people leave 20 minutes into it, and the rest of the dorks watch Adult Swim and drink Pepsi. Here’s some advice: switch to alcohol and lower your standards even further.- James ...
Family  Time 

You've got a purdy mouth.
2007-08-03 23:20:00
I ain't no "backwoods Jim" or anything, but my bullshit detector is going ga-ga just looking at these guys. The kid's all "Dad is this how grandpa used to play the banjo?" and Dad's all "I don't know. Will you go pull our Balluchi's pre-made dinners out of the freezer to thaw while I smoke an American Spirit from this $8 pack?Love,Brett ScieszkaYeah, this is actually a photo opportunity from the "Deliverance Experience" at Universal Studios, Florida. After this, you can have dinner at "The Cook, The Theif, His Wife, Her Lover Bar and Grill."--Natty“I love killing dearsI love killing queersI love raping folksWho don’t belong around here”- James ...

Lidz
2007-08-03 23:19:00
I hope this guy didn't cut the tags off of his hat collection. He's going to look like a total asshole if he did.Love,Brett ScieszkaThis guy likes so many different teams that he's completely misunderstood the definition of competitive sports. He goes to a game and stares at the other fans, slackjawed and confused at their adversarial bleatings and tauntings directed toward one another. "Why they no like game?" he asks. They do like game, asshole. You just missed the fucking point. Also, you're indoors: take off the shades. Unless your blind. Which would explain a great deal. One more thing: you seem to have pissed yourself just below the nametag you inexplicably affixed to your trouser leg.--NattyPimping girls has been going on forever, and there even was that group the Sneaker Pimps. But pimping hats? That’s like charging someone a dollar to ride your bike when you’re a kid.- James ...

These boots are made for shaggin'
2007-08-03 23:19:00
This girl would be a lot cooler if she was on the cover of some "Dragons of the Realm" paperback. She'd be surrounded by a dwarf with a big axe and a barbarian dude with a massive sword and loincloth fighting off a huge monster made entirely out of ice. Instead she's in her bedroom with her plastic hooters stuffed into an American Apparel bathing suit trying on some boots that make her look like she's in a Dr. Seuss porno.Love,Brett ScieszkaWHAT DOES THIS BITCH HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?!?!Oh right. boobs. Fuck (because I own those shoes)-Röbynn "Dragons of the Realm" Europeps - there already was a Dr Seuss porno. It was called "Hop on Top," alternately titled "the Cat in the Jimmy Hat."This is what happened when I accidentally put a lava lamp, a shag carpet, and an inflatable sofa into my matter transporter device. DNA fusion never looked so slutty.--NattyI know guys like it when their girlfriends dress up like little girls in school girl uniforms, but are we already at the point wh ...
Boots 

Hipficionado
2007-08-03 23:18:00
This developmentally stunted individual dresses exactly how I imagined my teenage self to dress when i was six.Love,Brett ScieszkaSo true, Brett my friend. This fellow is Bart Simpson, Kid Chameleon, and the protagonist from the "Paperboy" videogames all rolled into one. The end result is a posterboy for acne and premature ejaculation.--NattyI have to hand it to this guy; he dressed up like the character on his shirt to a tee. You always see hip-hop guys wearing Scarface shirts (which is dumb.) What they really need to do is dress like Scarface. They would look way cooler, because right now all they’re saying is “I’ve seen the movie,” and EVERYONE has seen the movie. - James ...

Chav Alert!
2007-08-02 22:28:00
Pundits who claim our culture is becoming petty and that people are becoming sexualized at a younger and younger age are right. The evidence is right here: these girls are way too horrifying to be so comfortable with their bodies. That's why Allah invented the Burka, people.--NattyRemember when you were in middle-school and you and your friend would look at his sister's Delia's catalog to scope out the babes? They were all blonde and from California and had those middle-school bodies that you thought were hot at the time (Natty still thinks they're hot). Then reality would hit when you got to school and realized that these were the girls you were going to have to flirt with like crazy if you were hoping to even get close to second base (ok, first base).Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Football's Coming home?
2007-08-02 22:22:00
In England, instead of the three stooges, they had the three hooligans. There was Nigel, who drank piss thinking it was just piss-colored Lager (fact: that's where the phrase "getting pissed" originated!) There was Ian, who was blind always stood behind the other two (fact: that's where the phrase "Blind Bloke Behind" came from!) And finally there was Liam, who drank liquid estrogen, wore straw hats, and fake Oakley sunglasses at his neck (fact: this is who Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher was named after!)All three were brothers, and their parents were cousins. In England this is considered the pinnacle of comedy.--NattyI'm going to remember these guys every time I hear some girl swoon over British accents. Do you realize how much bacon the average Brit eats for breakfast? If you want to wake up next to a dude with bad breath, bad teeth, and a chronically clogged colon, don't let me stop you. Love,Brett ScieszkaThat guy on the right drinking a Smirnoff Ice puts a whole new spin on, ...
Football 

Accident
2007-08-02 22:21:00
Look dude, I don't know what flies at that private school you went to, but you are not going to get any 'sympathy backrubs' by pouring a beer on your crotch and making a stupid puppy dog face. Also, turn that shirt inside-out right now, you're shaming the great state of Michigan.Love,Brett ScieszkaOH MY GOD, THIS GUY'S PENIS PEED THE SHAPE OF...A PENIS!-RöbynnThis is what happens when Urban Outfitters tries to make an American Apparel ad.- James ...
Accident 

Is there a doctor in the house?
2007-08-01 18:56:00
James McNeils: Cheif Neurosurgeon in residence at Halloween Adventure.--NattyI’m going to pretend that they’re morning radio DJ’s named “Dr. Love and the Bone Patrol,” instead of two uninventive people coming up with a stupid Halloween costume that they need to replace STAT! - JamesHow fucked would be if you went in for surgery and this dude rolled in? The last thing you'd hear before going under anaesthetic would be "Nurse, I really enjoy the music they play at the Abercrombie and Fitch in the mall. Do you know where I could get a copy?" Love,Brett Scieszka ...
Doctor  House 

Ganguro Paradise
2007-08-01 18:53:00
These girls are the Japanese equivalent of Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. But instead of partying and using drugs they study really hard to please their parents and work in the Japanese sex industry on weekends.- JamesThat Amy Winehouse chick's music is like a boner killing torpedo as far as I'm concerned, but I do like how she's bringing the 'big hair' look back. It looks just as good on a drug addicted Brit with a deadbeat husband as it does on bulimic Japanese hostesses who are about to upchuck their lunch of dried jellyfish and moldy soybeans (real Japanese foods!).Love,Brett ScieskzaWhy are you guys pretending you DON'T want to do these broads? STOP LYING-Röbynn ...
Paradise 

Ladies Night
2007-08-01 18:52:00
Dick Cheney has never looked so fierce!- JamesI know this guy looks pretty funny and totally harmless, but what if you were driving alone late at night in a super rural area and all of a sudden you saw this guy sitting up in the back seat and smiling at you in your rear-view mirror (he'd been hiding). Oh yeah, also his bloody purse is totally full of human hands. Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Man's Best Friend
2007-08-01 18:51:00
When Michael Vick was running his dogfighting ring, he never expected to be brought down by the ultimate french redneck and his killer Schnauser: Beware Leroy Le Roy!--NattyWhat’s going through his head: “Is it gay if I put peanut butter on my wiener and have Petey lick it off?”What’s going through the dog’s head: “Is it gay if Ralph puts peanut butter on his wiener and I lick it off?”- JamesSince the 'Bat Out of Hell III' sales haven't been so hot Meatloaf's decided to keep a low profile, just kicking it around the house in sweatpants, drinking Dr. Peppers and watching 'Flavor of Love.' Its been so bad his pushy sister dropped her dog off for him to babysit while she's on a cruise with a Pakistani hairstylist. He protested: "but I slay demons in hell with my guitar for a living." It didn't do any good. Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Nurse, I want a sponge bath
2007-07-30 01:26:00
Today, Supergirl and The Stethoscoper spoke publicly about their compulsion to needlessly under-dress everywhere they go - even for casual run-ins at the park.In other news, the superhero paparazzi has finally found some work.-BrianI just think it's really unfair that doctos who do pro-bono work not only cannot afford proper lab coats and medical attire, but must enlist the help of superheroes to complete the tasks their pathetic budgets cannot bear! This is really a comment on the state of our union, folks. Universal health coverage for birds, planes, and Supergirl. Amen.-RöbynnI don't know how they managed to take a photograph inside my head, but they proved me wrong again.--NattyI saw these girls in the park and got really excited because I thought they were selling lemonade, or kisses, or handjobs. Turns out they were from moveon.org and when I got up close they started yelling "donate $50 to smash the proto-fascist neocon patriarchy of the Bush regime." My 'college student det ...
Bath  Nurse