A Panel of Experts A panel of experts discuss photographs from all over the internet.

Statistics Unique Visitors: Total Unique Visitors: Visitors Out: Total Visitors Out: 2 86 3502 3502

Expert Advice
2007-07-27 16:57:00
Oh my god! It's like a bunch of kids posed for a silly internet photo!-Brian I'd give these people money to find a black person and hang out with them. I mean a real black person. Not me.-RöbynnI think that voodoo doll's seen better days.-Brian What you don't know is that in between these photos, a very awkward orgy took place. Hence the look of shame on everybody's face in the second picture.--Natty ...
Advice 

Armrest
2007-07-26 21:25:00
I love making out with Tanya but man if her breath doesn't stink. Love,Brett ScieszkaIt’s taken a long time but science has finally created the perfect girlfriend. The one downfall is that’s she’s not too smart. (Note the Seinfeld DVDs in the back. Did someone not tell her it’s on 10 times a day?)- James ...

Free nights and weekends
2007-07-26 21:23:00
I hope he's ordering a shirt. Or perhaps calling information to find the nearest "shit-eating smirk" convention.--NattyI just consulted 'Dr. Strokenpull's Sexual Etiquette Manual' and have confirmed that while it is acceptable to wear a conical party hat or a cowboy hat during fellatio, it is NOT acceptable to wear a beanie. It also clearly states that it is only acceptable to make a phone call during a sexual act if its for the purposes of phone sex, or calling out for post-coital pizza.Love,Brett Scieszka“Yeah dawg, come over. I have tasty snacks and a ton of lite bear. No, no. Come alone. Okay, see you soon. (click) Suckeeeeeer”- James ...

The Appraisal
2007-07-26 21:22:00
This is what Russian hookers look like when they say "Sister, you got it going on!"--NattyWhat’s the difference between a divorcee and a 20-something girl who had the same boyfriend for 10 years out for the first time after breaking up? Only about 20 years and 3 less fat kids. The point is: they’ll probably buy you dinner and will be pretty fun for a night.- JamesThat's what you call a face with 'character.' She kind of looks like the Grimace and Hamburglar had an illegitimate kid in a McDonald's playland. Love,Brett Scieszka ...

All in the family.
2007-07-26 21:16:00
The look of utter hopelessness on this woman's face has been passed down to her daughter, who will learn from the mistakes of her mother and never live a life of dressing like Rosie the Riveter and sleeping next to a guy who has a scrotum on his chin and thinks he has a really fast forearm.--NattyI ran into this guy at the bar and asked him what his tattoo was all about. It went something like this:Me: Hey Big Rick, what's that tattoo all about?Big Rick: It helps me masturbateMe: How so?Big Rick: Wanna get some prostitutes?Me: Not really, and you didn't answer my question...Big Rick: Oh Ok, wanna watch some porno tapes. I got some at home?Me: Your wife won't mind?Big Rick: What? Love,Brett ScieszkaIf you party every night, get drunk, and even if you have a douche boyfriend, it’s not a big deal. That is until you have a kid. Then it the biggest/saddest deal ever. Now she has two children to feed and clothe. Baby Jesus is crying.- James. ...
Family 

Coke bottle ingenuity.
2007-07-24 19:11:00
The stoner's notorious proficiency for engineering makes me fear that all of our bridges have been built by Phish fans.--NattyIf that ring is correct: she’s married. How would you like to take your stoner wife to the company outing for some mild conversation and drinks? Yeah, thought so. Maybe marrying your “best friend” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.- JamesSome people liked being a baby so much they decided to rock Peter Pan style forever. When she's forced to go to a wedding or funeral she has to wade through a gazillion fuzzy sweatshirts and flannel pajama bottoms to find some proper clothes, and The hardest thing she's done all day is decide which SNL movie to Netflix.Love,Brett ScieszkaIs that bong water or piss? Remember back in middle school when your older brother told you that smoking banana peels got you high and that Marilyn Manson is actually Paul from the Wonder Years? Yeah, it was his fat friend who got blowjobs for cigarettes from the same skanky 14 y ...
Bottle  Ingenuity 

Putting the "Fun" back in funnel
2007-07-24 19:04:00
Somewhere in the Ozarks, Lieutenant Francis Collins, Sr. has a tear of pride in his eye. And a shotgun in his lap. And a battered woman serving him lemonade. And a blood alcohol level of 12. And a glass eye. And an ever-flaccid penis. And a bullet lodged in his shoulder. And a general hatred of foreigners. And a...--NattyEvery once in a while I get to pretending what my life would have been like had I not knocked up and my married my high school girlfriend. I probably would have gone to a better college and had a lot more money to kick around. Maybe I would have gone to Europe. Sometimes I fantasize that my kid could be useful for a change.Love,Frank ScieszkaGiving your penis the surname Jr. is gay. Drinking from something that resembles a penis and has the surname Jr. is SUPER gay.- JamesToby waited patiently for the gods to seed clouds of beer.*teddy ...
Fun 

Rock and Roll!!!
2007-07-24 19:00:00
In Argentina, street gangs are like that awful movie "The Warriors" except these guy's totally gay "gang theme" is Megadeth plus Javier Danzig (Glenn's latino cousin.)--NattyPretty much the saddest thing that's ever happened in my life is that I never got to grow a Glen Danzig 'Devil Lock.' I didn't have the right hair for it and by the time I was really committed to diving in I'd already started balding severely. I also never ended up getting a chain wallet and tongue piercing when I was in middle school like I wanted, which is a pretty good thing considering that is some super gay shit. Love,Brett ScieszkaThere is nothing wrong with these kids. They remind me of the youths from the movie Wassup Rockers. Why can’t more kids in my neighborhood start a punk band and listen to the Misfits, instead of yelling at people for no good reason while sporting cornrows?- James ...
Rock 

whack attack
2007-07-24 18:49:00
The guy on the right is named Scooty T and the girl is Mistress Lineoleum of the flooring aisle at "Le Depot de Maison." This photo was taken at the Democratic National convention when Lineoleum, under the influence of mushrooms, was convinced that her face was one giant pimple which she then tried to pop. Scooty T just shows up at conventions and tries to lick people. He also probably says "Word Up" as least as much as Cameo.--NattyThis is what scientologists looks like when they achieve the State of Clear.*teddyCall me racist but I really dig it when black people get super into Science Fiction and dress up like funky aliens. All that George Clinton and Kool Keith shit is totally rad, and don't even get me started on Sun Ra.Love,Brett ScieszkaFine. You're a racist.*teddy ...

Pajama party
2007-07-20 21:36:00
Ok. I'm not sure why, but I'm actually finding this picture somewhat arousing. Which is disturbing. Particularly because I can't pinpoint what about it I like. Is it the summer-camp accessories? The superflousness of wearing bikini bottoms over pajamas a la Superman? perhaps the indication (inferred from the sloped intersection of wall and ceiling) that this girl lives in a two-floor house in the suburbs, a world which I didn't grow up in and which is therefore strange and, as a consequence, kinky to me.Nah, it's probably just because she's fourteen.--NattyWhen anime came to the United States the first wave of people to like it were mouthbreathing male video game nerds which graduated to a second wave of socially awkward geek girls. They usually had obnoxiously childish senses of humor, bizarre ideas about romance, and tons of awful kiddy accessories....But what if you did it with one of them once and then never told your friends about it (ever)?Love,Brett ScieszkaYou know what ...
Party 

uh.... what?
2007-07-20 21:28:00
It's about time we started teaching our kids to be just as fucking nuts as the kids that Hamas teaches. Screw IEDs: Fake tattoos, Macho Man old glory bandanas and a love of Brahms are going to be our weapons.--NattyLook, I love all my kids equally, and even if I don't have much money to support them with I do make sure to impart some fatherly wisdom. I taught them important stuff, like patriotism and that music is an important part of a well rounded education, but then I got drunk and thought it would be funny to get the youngest ones a few tattoos.Love,Brett ScieszkaAnd this would be the third of the gangs left out of cult classic movie, the Warriors. They were the Stars and Stripes Shin Shatterers. The Warriors avoided a fight with this gang by going to a PG-13 movie at 7 o'clock. By 8 o'clock, all of this gang was in bed.-RöbynnSupport Our Goof Troops.*teddy ...

HUH?!
2007-07-20 21:26:00
See, even asians think that all asians look the same.--NattyThese guys are 1 case of Jolt Cola away from having the most decadent World of Warcraft party East Quad has ever seen. Dude even brought his lucky Indiana Jones hat so he can vanquish elves and orcs like the true cyber-pimp he is.P.S. Why does Natty put so many pictures of Asian dudes on this site?Love,Brett ScieszkaBecause they're always taking photos of themselves and posting them on the internet. Seriously. Its purely a supply-and-demand kind of thing. They've all got camera phones and phone cameras and radiotelescopic eyeballs. They're on the cutting edge, Brett.--NattyThis is the second in our series of gangs left out of the warriors. They were called the Gentle Orientals. 75% of this gang was actually autistic.-Röbynn ...

HisSpace
2007-07-20 21:08:00
The problem with civilization is that 'survival of the fittest' doesn't apply anymore. This guy should have been killed years ago or at least died of the cold from lack of insulation. Instead he'll probably produce an offensive amount of equally obnoxious offspring. And Corona? In the bathroom? I fucking hate California.--NattyRemember Makeout Club? No seriously, remember when it came out and you and your friends put up profiles and seriously looked at people's music picks to see what was cool, and you had that one friend who started getting a shit load of dates with these crazy horrible girls because his profile was so hip, and every time you'd hang out it would be this different crazy horrible girl with him in a Dashboard Confessional T-Shirt and plugs in her ears and pink hair? I think that's why I haven't used IM in five years. I think that's why we stopped being friends. Love,Brett Scieszkai DEFINITELY went on a date with this guy. his name is justin. he has fashion hair ...

8 ball in the corner nostril.
2007-07-20 21:07:00
Why is it that the dudes who are packing a lot of coke always look like this? Instead of a handsome Brett Scieszka you're going to have to wake up to this greasy guylinered LA bar fixture if you want to get really high tonight.PS I bet his band sounds really awesome (psyche!).Love,Brett Scieszkapersonally, i think he's just fighting his inner jew.from, erin.Pro: He has coke.Con: You have to hang out with him until 5:30am and listen to him go off on a bunch of bands you have never heard of (and probably would hate anyway). Your best bet is to just say they rule, because if you don’t he will rush to put it on, and the whole time he’ll be saying “Aren’t they great?! Aren’t they great?!”- JamesThe photographer then proceeded to snort coke off his nose.*teddy ...

Lethal Weapon
2007-07-20 21:07:00
Oh man, I’ll bet this kid stands there and pretends to shoot at his friend’s feet while he’s playing DDR and saying “Dance, pardner. Dance Dance Revolution, ya varmint!”--Natty ...
Lethal  Lethal Weapon 

Live Long and Gangsta
2007-07-19 18:56:00
It's great when thugs get into star trek and start composing casio raps about spock. It's even better when they're into Van Gogh and neon hats. Kid and Play never looked so good... until now.--NattyThis is what that tired hack Pharrell thinks he looks like when he rolls up on a party. Did you know that guy is like 53 years old? Dude even gets his dentures from Kid Robot. P.S. If these fellas are 'Gangsta' than so are my Star Wars bed sheets. Love,Brett Scieszkathe hispano-white kid looks like this guy i used to work with at urban outfitters named jairo who got mad bitches and had 115 pairs of sneakers still in the boxes at his house. he would wear hats like that, too. well definitely he wore hats like that, because that hat and his hispano-whititude are the only reasons why i am associating this kid with jairo from urban outfitters. i mean, the kid in the picture could feasibly have 115 pairs of sneakers, but i would be surprised because really, not many people have that many sho ...

Immigracion
2007-07-19 18:53:00
Even though this girl passed the immigration test with flying colors, all her hard work amounted to was a xeroxed certificate with some cruddy clip art that makes her a citizen of a country where seven Euros can buy a brand new Ford Festiva.LoveAnarcho-Punk Brett Scieszkai, for one, am glad that at least one person definitely passed that test.especially because, judging from what i see in the background there, EVERYONE failed art class. erinp.s. that figure on the left looks like michael jackson in the thriller video but with eminem hair and a turdy batman t shirt. what the fuck are they telling these kids.This tiny woman has been abducted by Herve Villechez and sold into brown slavery. By the way, why do they call it “white slavery?” That seems racist to me. Let’s desegregate slavery. Its’ the 90’s, people.--NattyAmerica is truly the melting pot of the world. Where else can the Wolfman get a citizenship award other than Transylvania?- James ...

Up in Smoke
2007-07-19 18:52:00
Remember when you used to pay homeless people to buy you cheap cigars and you and your middle school friends would go pass it around down by his pool? Then your friend's mom would pull into the driveway and you'd freak out and drink a lot of orange juice because that supposedly covered up the smoke smell on your breath. Did that ever actually work? Love,Brett Scieszkadear brett,i used to smoke those, like actually actually, before i smoked real cigarettes (my first brand was capri lites, wait, is that a jessica cole band?) anyway, i worked in a deli then and the owner, chip, was a real punk asshole who would over charge people for everything. seriously, in the summer a picnic deli lunch would be a hundred dollars. anyway, i was totally achieving hyper cosmic karmic balance by stealing these cigars from chip. or at least that's how i justified it. i'd throw them in my lunch bag with my cheese sandwich. and then old mike who had 3 girlfriends would sing copa cabana along with the rad ...
Smoke 

Tailgate Party!
2007-07-19 18:49:00
This guy takes the idea of the 'stupid photograph' and puts some fucking commitment behind it. I might pose with my wang in a tailpipe for a cheap laugh or two, but there's no way I'd put on the underwear. What we have here is a man who really cares about doing things right.Love,Brett ScieszkaAnd if you act now, we'll throw in a complimentary Andy Richter tailpipe plug!*teddyPeople in rural Scotland are so liberal and progressive that autophilia is now considered a valid “lifestyle choice.” The red Victorian bodice is merely to identify this man’s clan: MacOldsmobile. It was named after his great grandmother who was a touring sedan.-Nattywhat i notice immediatly about this photograph is the beauty and balancedness of the competition. the suttle beauty of the fine line of the wire fencing behind him. the richness of brown of the wood. the car is such and such a color that it really does blend splendiferously with the moody and irreverant greys and sandstone colors of the jade ...
Party 

Special Edition! Guess what led up to these!!!
2007-07-17 20:49:00
Out celebrating his success as an internet phenomenon, the owner of the Montgomery Flea Market finds out that Sunny Delight mixed with Night Train is nothing like "a mini mall."--NattyI bet this is what it looks like when Galactus eats too many planets and throws up.- JamesForensic Vomit Analysis: 4 shots Hennessey, 2 Quarts Balantine, 2 Bacardi and Cokes, 1 No-doze capsule, 8 White Castle hamburgers, 2 orders White Castle chicken rings, 1 seven layer burrito, semen.Love,Brett ScieszkaJackson Pollock in action.*teddy In Texas, the cowboys are so badass that they can just puke at will and look reasonably relaxed while doing it. Actually, this guy is participating in an "Upchuck Rodeo" where the goal is to have the most aesthetically pleasing and longest continous stream of bile. You also have to stand on a roof.--Natty This guy is the Spiderman of puking, his vomit looks like a web and he’s even of a roof. Spiderpuke could kiss me upside down any day (just as long as he lost the scru ...
Led 

ugh.
2007-07-16 21:11:00
The right to bear arms and the right to bare chests are two wonderful freedoms we have in this country, but when combining the two, try not to rub your nipples in a field of honeysuckles while wearing your mom's belt and the gayest smile in the world. People might get the wrong idea. --NattyP.S. Apparently guns don't put hair on a man's chest. Apparently neither do pacts with Satan which end in him crudely signing your pelvis with a bic pen. Wait, maybe that fat goth guy at the truckstop wasn't actually satan!This guy is just as bad as those people who get geek tattoos of emoticons and Nintendo controllers. I don’t see a guy who’s tough or likes guns. I see a guy who likes to play Big Buck Hunter II at the bar. I see Brett.- JamesThis dude looks like he just made it with his virgin girlfriend in a grove and is just so jazzed up about it. Enjoy it now dude, because once the Poison Oak starts to burn your sack you're gonna wish you paid $200 for a real gun instead.Love,Brett Sci ...

BLEAAAGH!
2007-07-16 21:10:00
Why do babes (the one on the left) always have dumb ugly friends? When you’re that hot you don’t need to have the really ugly friends to make yourself feel better. C’mon honey, step out of the minors and into the majors. You can play hardball.- JamesThese girls look like human Spam. Its like I'm just minding my own business and then all of a sudden my eyes are confronted with "Hello, I am Ndungi Ghtuku of Kenya, I am heir to a $2,000,000,00 fortune, but need your help...." and "Hey guy, please your lady with cheap Canadian Ciazlis or V1agra."Love,Brett Scieszkaboys, this is simply your typical breast exam at the local gynecologist.*teddyLet's call this the first of the missing gangs from the warriors. This gang was rival to the Lizzies. They were the sorostitutes.-Röbynn ...

Oh snap!
2007-07-16 21:10:00
Thanks for the mammarys.- JamesThis kid was the lucky recipient of this year's "Make a Wish Foundation" grant (guess what he wanted?). When he put in his application the foundation brought him an old beater prostitute from the Moonlight Bunny Ranch and was all "No way, I want a cute girl my own age. I'm fucking dying here." Then the Make a Wish People got really embarrassed, mumbled apologies, and got to work.Love,Brett Scieszka"how stella got his boner back."*teddy ...

Bird Watching...
2007-07-16 21:06:00
Observe the red breasted hobag and the short-topped chickenhead. After renting a nest for spring break, they perform provocative albeit ludicrous dances in order to attract a beer-bellied tit. They must beware of predators, however: particularly the nocturnal roofie-plopper.--NattyI wouldn’t roofie these girls with your pills Natty. These are the kind of girls that order gin and tonics “on the rocks.”- JamesWhoa, whoa, whoa! James, I'm a little confused here, are you objecting to the oxymoronic nature of ordering a Gin and Tonic on the rocks because gin and tonics always have ice in them or are you objecting to the ordering of gin and tonics as a drink all together? Because I'll have you know that I LOVE the Gin and Tonic, it was the proud drink of manly moustachioed roisterdoisters in the British Empire, and is a far classier and complex drink than your pathetic Bourbon. Regardless, I don't take insults from men who can't spell Champagne.--NattyI was clearly referring to th ...
Bird 

Right there!
2007-07-13 20:51:00
Picture this man cooking you a delicious candle-lit meal with fine champagne, then snuggling with you on his leather couch, feeding you sherbet. Then he takes you by the hand, and leads you into this filthy room where he pounces on the bed like a beetle that's been flipped on it's back, narrowly missing his computer and his latest michael crichton novel, points four fingers at his crotch and goes "suuuuuuck it!" while his friends jump out from the closet with a camera and laugh, squealing "I can't believe you did that shit son!" and "yo, we musta spent like, four thousand dollars fixing up the rest of your crib and buying all that fancy food and shit, but it was worth it for the look on this bitches face!" "And you know what? It was worth it," you think to yourself. Smiling, shrugging, and wagging your finger in a mock scold, you drop to your knees.--NattyDomestic violence is the pits, but what if you had a kid like this? Wouldn't you beat him just a little (or at least fatasize a ...

Night on the town.
2007-07-13 20:48:00
The more I look at this picture the more I'm convinced it's all posed for some magazine article about how Asians are slowly coming to dominate the sport of tennis and nobody but this magazine realizes. They told all these kids to "just act like regular american kids," so they immediately started smoking, drinking, and giving each other footjobs underneath the table.--NattyGirl in green (to herself): “I want to Donkey Kong all these white clad losers. 'Cool guys' my ass! Thanks Michelle. If only I had a Gameboy with me. Maybe my phone has Pac-Man on it or something”- James ...
Town 

Magic!
2007-07-13 20:43:00
It's a little known fact that whenever Peter Boyle is on TV, if you say his name backwards three times, this crazy fucking pixie shows up, pulls a golden flute out of her pantsless ass, dances around and grants you free tickets to see the String Cheese Incident. But only if you smoke her up. Then she clicks her Jelly sandals together three times and vanishes.--NattyHopefully those three Qualuudes I crushed into her Capri Sun will take effect soon so I can stuff her into that rolltop desk and watch 'Everybody Loves Raymond' in Peace (finally).Love,Brett ScieszkaWho knew that the same people who bought their kid a Sublime one-sy would be the same people who watch Everybody Loves Raymond? I knew they were losers.-KatrinaShe’s just playing “college party”. You know how it is: The host puts on a tiara and greets everyone with a hug, and at some point she screams “Naked dance party!” strips down to her underwear, and in the morning she wakes up in the favorite band shirt of th ...
Magic 

The Short Bus
2007-07-13 20:41:00
In an attempt to appear humane for a change, China has taken steps toward banning the abortion of developmentally-disabled fetuses. This is the end result.--NattyIf you're a huge dick and want to make some easy money its a good idea to get asian teens loaded on Smirnoff Ice and take a bunch of pictures when they're all sloppy and flushed. When they sober up you can threaten to show the pictures to their ultra conservative and quasi-abusive parents unless they give you fifty bucks. Its not a nice thing to do, but it is lucrative. Love,Brett ScieszkaEveryone is having a great time in this photo, totally ignoring the fact that there is an evil insect-man-monster RIGHT ABOUT to decapitate the girl in front of him with his massive mandibles and consume it like a piece of corn on the cob. Geez these idiots are oblivious.- KatrinaWhat’s with the two Gaysians in the back? They look like transvestite pop singers from Thailand. Is that what they think Asian girls are into? It’s no wonder ...
Bus 

THIS GUY!!!
2007-07-13 20:31:00
Mommy, why is Gordon from Sesame Street wearing your panties?--NattyThis was my Step-Dad's idea of 'trying to be my friend,' its also probably the reason why I got into catering porn shoots.P.S. Who does this guy think he is, stealing James' moustache?Love,Brett ScieszkaI think I've stayed in this hotel.-KatrinaJust hope your mother never divorces your father. Because chances are she’ll meet a guy like this and you’ll both be calling him “daddy.”- James ...

"I'm THIS many!"
2007-07-12 16:40:00
Whew. Thank god that guys wearing wristbands. He must work up quite a sweat with all the squinting, smoking, and finger-holding-upping that he's doing. I'd hate for him to get a rash on his wrist. Do you think he's asking a sexy lady "how many fingers would you like tonight?"--Natty“Hey, Corey Feldman! How long did your career last again?”- JamesThis baby badass, Joe Strummer wannapunk is making that face when you try to smoke a cigarette just holding it in your mouth like you see in movies, but then the smoke goes up your nose and gets in your eyes, and its just horrible. Then all the old drunks at the bar laugh at you and the bartender takes your fake ID and throws it away.Love,Brett ScieszkaIs he trying to do an impression of Clint Eastwood or John Wayne?-Katrinakatrina- pete wentz.-erin ...