A Panel of Experts A panel of experts discuss photographs from all over the internet.

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Double Ew.
2007-07-12 16:39:00
I didn’t realize freak-trains were so prevalent. But who am I to come down on the local lesbian softball team for celebrating after destroying the wait-staff of Hooters. Kudos for rubbing it in their faces on their own turf.- JamesAs time goes on, bands that were formerly cutting edge end up on "Classic Rock" stations and have package tours sponsored by VH1 Classics and their fans don't really remember what the band was all about. This photo was sent back in time from the parking lot of a gig on the 2019 Bikini Kill/ Chicks On Speed/ Ladytron tour of Midwest Stadiums.--NattyThis local lesbian softball team actually lives in my brain. Every time I'm all "I don't really feel like partying tonight. I'm gonna stay home." They're all "Too bad fucko!" Then they start doing this on my Corpus Callosum. I have no choice.Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Dueling Banjos
2007-07-12 16:39:00
Sure Debbie from ad-sales has a nice rack, but hooking up with her at the office after a few drinks at the company party is a big mistake. Don’t shit were you eat people. Especially if the people you work with look like shit.- JamesThis is what happens when you're on a huge bender and order one of those 'escorts' from the back of the Village Voice. Instead of the nubile asian Lolita from the ad you get this: a leathery mom from Jersey City with fake veiny tits and a tattoo of a ladybug next to her cooch. Serves you right.Love,Brett ScieszkaThe best thing about this picture is that she's wearing one of those obnoxious businessmen shirts with the white contrasting collar. Like she's snuck into your office and when you open the door she proposes a "merger" while you figure "what the hell?" and fumble with your belt buckle. Just watch out your junk doesn't get caught in one of those "swinging metal balls" desk toys.--NattyWait, we're seriously not into this chick? Are we kidding? ...

Ew.
2007-07-12 16:38:00
Turns out Treasure Trolls never really went away. They just got with the times by ditching the super tall 'do, and picked up some party duds from neighborhood vintage stores. If you see these guys at the bar and buy them a drink your penis will grow an inch and a fleeing robber will accidentally leave a huge bag of money at your feet.Love,Brett ScieszkaBrett, these WOMEN shouldn't make your penis do anything but shrivel up in fear of castration.--Natty ...

White Pride
2007-07-10 17:15:00
How boisterous and ostentatious is the 'Snow White' crew when they roll up into the local Denny's? You know they're going to hog three booths, take all the ashtrays, be really loud, and only order coffee and french fries. You can almost hear Doris the waitress quietly mumble 'oh fuck' as she exhales smoke from her 33rd Kool of the day.Love,Brett ScieszkaIf you took the guy with the Skull shirt's beard and the guy in the sunglasses beard, you'd actually have a full beard. Did they not have enough facial hair between them so they decided to micromanage their fur?--NattyOnce, I ate like an entire bagful of those yogurt covered pretzels. I was mindlessly digging into the bag, just eating them by the handful until I eventually finished all of them.I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day because I felt so sick.Anyway, for two days, my turds looked like this crew of people.-RöbynnThis is what people in the suburbs consider “going out.” They dress in matching outfits, ...

Don the Baptist
2007-07-10 17:15:00
Have you ever noticed how its only white priests that get accused of screwing little kids? Black preachers down South know how to do it right, they've read Leviticus and know little white-girl poontang is totally fair game. This guy makes my libido feel like a soggy buttermilk biscuit with two shits inside. Praise the Lord!Love,Brett ScieszkaThe local elementary school janitor tells these girls that he's a "Faith-healing missionary" and then gives them a little "faith-healing missionary."--NattyI think the girl on the left is wearing dentures. Also I'm pretty sure this guy just wandered out of wherever they keep the extras from Shawshank Redemption.-will ...

Straw dog
2007-07-10 17:15:00
One time when my family was on a vacation to Traverse City we ate at this Chinese restaurant and my Dad got two of these wacky 'volcano' drinks in a row. When we were done the skinny Chinese waiter guy was pretty impressed (and a little incredulous) that my Dad wasn't wasted. My old man was all 'What? Its just a bunch of fruit juice and sissy liquor.' Then he made me feel how strong his bicep was.Love,Brett ScieszkaWhen two buds are going after the same girl, it’s best to let alcohol decide which one she’s going home with. And if you’re the dude who she doesn’t end up with, your friend who got laid has to reimburse you for the alcohol you spent on her. It’s called pimping, and it’s been going on forever.- JamesContrary to what that idiot's shirt may say, Australia's Most Dangerous Animals are drunk douchebags and pedophiles. I actually own a shirt that says "Dignity's Most Dangerous Animals" and its got a small version of these fuckers on it.-will ...

Spray
2007-07-10 17:14:00
What jock types don't realize is that the gatorade-dump and the beer-spray are all just American forms of Bukkake. Congratulation through humiliation.--NattyI think that's Gozer the Destructor in the the back (Ghostbusters anyone?) Never would of thought that demons from other dimentions would prefer Coors Light. -WillDear Natty,You think these guys are JOCKS? Did you notice that they are all basically my dad's age? Maybe they were jocks on the fucking ARK, but the flood is over and so is that middle guy's sports career.-RöbynnWhen Thoreau was talking about "quiet desperation" he was talking about these guys: three manchildren who celebrate with Coors Light and grocery store birthday cake. There's not a tit in sight, and the highpoint of these guys' year is this four minute beer fight. I can't wait until the guy in the center is sitting on the couch remorsefully munching cake out of his hand.Love,Brett Scieszka ...

Some News...
2007-07-06 16:53:00
You may have noticed that we have a new expert, Mr. Skip Reynolds. Skip is a welcome addition to our team. He's a very funny man. Not only has he won several regional stand-up trophies several years ago, but he remains on the cutting edge of comedy, much like Robin Williams or Whoopi Goldberg. Be sure to check out his myspace page (link under his name in the sidebar.)We've also added a brand-new feature: vote for your favorite expert! Although you might think that this has been added in order to increase the site's interactivity, it is actually because we experts require rigorous peer competition in order to maintain our constant level of expertise. Vote for each of us as we battle for your favor online! Give it a go in the sidebar.P.S. You can only vote once a day. Nice try. ...
News 

Colored person
2007-07-06 16:40:00
i don't understand AT ALL why this gets to be on the blog. there is nothing greater than tie dye. this dude obviously can't handle it, though. tie dye and emo don't mix.erinWhen you're the only guy in school selling weed you can get away with a lot. You gotta be careful with it though, because if a teacher notices one of the jocks complementing you on your new hair beads she's going to know something's up and narc you out with the quickness.Love,Brett ScieszkaBeing in junior high is easy. All you have to do is put on a tie-dye shirt, some beads in your hair, listen to the Grateful Dead, and then wait to grow up so you can get some good taste.- JamesI wish I had the power to send this kid to Fallujah armed with naught but a paintball gun and a plastic sheild. This guy's everything I hate about liberals. He probably wouldn't be such a tool if his dad weren't a conservative douchebag who collects confederate stamps and beats him up. I'd like to send him to Fallujah, too.--NattyD ...
Colored 

Gay or Australian?
2007-07-06 16:33:00
What is with gay people calling their significant others their “partner?” That’s what cops and cowboys call each other. My dad calls me partner. Gay people; you took the word “queer” back, well I’m taking the word “partner” back. Partner is a straight word and you can’t have it!- JamesThis is like when you run into two of your childhood friends that you haven't seen in forever and find out they're gay and started dating and turned into swedish lifeguards. You're all "Congratulations, I'm totally happy for you guys. What's with this fucking teal bullshit though?"Love,Brett ScieszkaI just think that they're comfortable hetero Australians. The teal helps their penises, necks, and heads blend into their natural environment: the Great Barrier Reef.--NattyThat guy on the left could use a little more speedo and a little less gum. I don't care how big your package is, buddy, all I see is slimy pink old man mouth when I look at you.-KatrinaI think they both have boners. ...

Young Love
2007-07-06 16:29:00
The chubby kid on the left is thinking about Nascar right now because his dad told him that that's how you keep from climaxing too soon. The poor kid figures that the same goes for dry humping. The girl in the shades is still not quite clear on how sexual positions work, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize that the chubby kid is behind her. The girl in pink is a pro. She looks straight at the camera and bends at the waist. The guy in the wifebeater is making sure that the camera's on so he can send this photo back to all of his cousins in Albania.--NattyI realize there's a lot of shitty things about being the youngest of two boys (getting your ass kicked, having your bro break your toys and force-fart in your open mouth, etc.), but then you get to that tween age when your folks are comfortable leaving you guys alone after school latchkey style, and he brings home some girls (!) and lets you hang out while everyone's hormones are raging: Its like masturbation charity.Love,Bret ...
Love  Young Love 

Word up!
2007-07-06 16:28:00
I’d shit my pants if I found this girl waiting for me in a bathroom stall. Which would be embarrassing and then convenient.- JamesThis is from a crazy fetish porn site where guys pay dolls money to lick public bathroom surfaces. That sadistic bastard Natty made this girl go to Mars Bar next.Love,Brett ScieszkaBrett, you forgot the best part of http://www.pottymouthhos.com/ : no protection. That's right, we totally withhold penicilin. Hey man, this girl needs a brand new pair of British Knights and some more acid to wash her jeans in. I'm just helping her out.--NattyI can't even imagine why someone would take this picture. Some girl was like "hey, it would be soooooo funny if I took a picture of you pretending to go to the bathroom!" and the other girl was like, "ew no I could never do that!" and the first girl was all, "no, it's ok you'll keep your clothes on, and you can make a face so it seems all silly" so the second girl agreed... but it turns out that it's not that funny. ...
Word 

Dipset in da house
2007-07-06 16:22:00
It's great when kids from the suburbs go to universal studios and get to dress up like their favorite hip hop crews and have their pictures taken. Just remember: Positively NO SMOKING. Read the sign, guys. The guns are ok, but don't you DARE light up.--NattyThat's too bad cuz I got SMOKIN GUNZ!-KatrinaWhat is this, a Burger King commercial?Love,Brett ScieszkaHow weak are these thugs? They can’t even scare the white people in the back. I just hope these toddlers clean up their playroom and put the guns back in the toy chest.- JamesIt's interesting that short guys can wear short pants, but not short shorts. Hmm.-KatrinaSorry man but those jean shorts are actually capri pants. Which makes me much less scared of you.-Will ...
House 

The Pickup
2007-07-06 16:20:00
This girl's looks like she's laughing, but in reality she's screaming and begging them to reconsider. You see, this is the office of the Department of Homeland security and they're literally throwing her out of the country because she was eating something they'd never heard of called a "Fal-awful" for lunch. That and they were tired of staring at her sweatpants-cameltoe.--NattyRemember the "shared folder" in the computer labs in middle school and high school? It was like an early version of a server and people would put nudie pics on it and text documents that said "Mr. Hendricks is a huge fag," but repeated like a bazillion times. Pretty much nothing pissed off the administration more, and if you got caught it was like the equivalent of a triple incest-rape murder suicide.Love,Brett ScieszkaThis is the time in your life when you start to touch girls at any opportunity you can no matter how busted they are, just as long as they talk to you. Seriously, how far is it really going to ...

This is Hardcore?
2007-07-06 16:18:00
Ok, this guy has a piece of nicotene gum up his nose, Tupac on the drumkit, and an Earth Day banner. I really hope that the band is actually named Earth Day. You know, this might actually be the Live Earth concert rehearsal.--NattyThis singer dude is the kind of guy who will never sell out straight edge, and will never sell out the scene. While the rest of us grow up and go to school he'll still be eating chic-nugs on his day off from lawn-mowing and discussing how "the young kids got no respect for hardcore" with his pals in the 7-11 parking lot.Love,Brett ScieszkaI’m not even going to comment because this guy looks exactly like my roommate freshman year of college. He’s a nice guy, but he can beat me up. I will say this though; I hear Albany hard-core kids don’t know how to fight.- JamesI like how this seems like a CrAaAaAzYyYy camera angle but really it just looks funny because all the members of the band feel that it is necessary to position their bodies in poses that make ...

Fro Bro
2007-07-03 19:53:00
Why isn't James' illegitimate son wearing his seatbelt? Does he think his pubic helmet there will protect him from impact?--NattyLeave my kid out of this! And pubic helmet? More like; pussy magnet.- JamesJames is always telling me he's going to be a big cultural star in Japan someday. So far nothing's happened, but he's been totally sleeping on the fact that the James Smith fanclub is huge in Warsaw with the homeless kids who live in the subway and huff rubber cement out of plastic bags.Love,Brett ScieszkaHe looks like a testicle.*teddyreally teddy? you must have really hairy balls.freak.*erinHeyyyyy! What is this?! Somebody better take this kid to the barber before he turns into Michael Jackson! You've been a great crowd; please remember to tip your waitress, I mean click on the banner ads.-Skip Reynolds (1999 Winner Queens, NY Stand-Up Comedy Semi-Finals)This family should probably stop spending so much money on fancy hair pieces and start putting it into a braces fund, becaus ...

Frankie says relax
2007-07-03 19:52:00
If you're gonna be a big sloppy fatso its a pretty good idea to throw vanity out the window and settle on comfort. What better way to stop your fat rolls from chafing in the summer heat than to lube them up with whipped cream? You can be all "one for you" (squirts on breasts), "one for me" (squirts in mouth).Love,Brett Scieszkahot4goth: you evr combine sex and food??ChunkyLover69: of course, I’m fat. lol- JamesI’m pretty sure he just popped those massive sebaceous deposits under his armpits and that white stuff is what came out. He’s going to wipe it off with his Ken and Ryu towel.--NattyWhile we may never know Who Let The Dogs Out, we will now know who ate them.-Skip Reynolds (1999 Winner Queens, NY Stand-Up Comedy Semi-Finals)I never really knew what a "side boob" was until today.-KatrinaThis is why I don't like Family Guy. Because if it was real people this guy would be Peter. Animation is for cheaters. Speaking of animation I bet this dude loves it. The towel confirms it.-w ...
Frankie  Relax 

Honk Honk!
2007-07-03 19:52:00
Awesome, Derrick's over again. He's that fat gay dude who lives in the neighborhood and always drops by unannounced for a beer. Your girlfriend thinks he's hilarious and his irritating laugh makes your skin crawl. Well, at least you know she's not screwing him (probably).PS. I think they're real.Love,Brett ScieszkaOne of the unforeseen side effects of the axis powers losing world war 2 is that now the Germans and the Japanese are the only people coming up with entirely new fetishes. This one involves fully-clothed Mothers and Daughters grabbing pro-wrestler man boobs and screaming at the top of their lungs. (Actually, these two lesbians paid him $325 bucks to squeeze his boobs because they think he’s Rosie O’Donell.)--NattyWhen did "Three's Company" go back on the air?*teddyThis is what it looks like when you destroy a man's self esteem so much that he just lets his mom and sister do whatever they want to him and he'll pretend that he's in on the joke. Ladies, you know mo ...

Table Manners
2007-07-03 19:51:00
Girls always get mad when you try and look at their burger.- James"You guys! I can't believe you got me to eat shit again! Hahaha!"*teddyThis prom date is one "Caribbean Mist" cocktail shy of bugging the hell out of me. I'm sick of her blathering on about how "Bush should be impeached as a war criminal" super loud, or how she's "totally PMSing." If she doesn't stop I might snap and do something drastic (like complain to the waiter).Love,Brett ScieszkaThis was her response when I asked her how many jackasses who eat with their mouths open it takes to screw in a light bulb.--NattyJudging from how far her friends are leading over, I'd say she's got at least a two foot food spray on her. And they didn't even ask for the weather.-Katrina ...
Table 

Pretty in Pink
2007-07-03 19:44:00
This little palestinian girl is freaking out because because she just watched Mickey Mouse (er, Farfour the mouse) murdered (er, martyred) by heartless zionist Israelis. If you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about do yourself a favor: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrieBhaGgHMLove,Brett ScieszkaThere’s always that wise-ass that comes to a theme party in the most ridiculous variant of the theme you know they’re going to be loud and obnoxious, but no one gets too mad because they party the hardest (and share drugs).- JamesMinney The Vagrant comes in 15 colors.*teddyShe’s terrified because she sees Pac Man heading straight for her and he just ate one of the big dots.--NattyHoney, I'd make that face if someone dressed me up in pink and red, too. It's not your fault, baby, the weather breaks for no man, or LADY.-Katrina ...
Pink 

Hey Maw!
2007-06-29 21:47:00
It's a little known fact that people from the Ozarks are terrific at multitasking. They can guard their "prop-er-tay" from the "Guv'mint," drink a beer, have phone sex, and take a dump all at the same time. Not only this, but he's also got his favorite birdfeeder next to him.--Nattyummm... i don't see any pipes.how's he gonna get the poop out.-erinsteinI'm pretty sure that guy's calling collect.*teddyThis guy's really living the dream. All the fancy a-cooter-mints of city living (what with your inside-toilets and mobile telly-phones) combined with the quaint charm of two-tone aloom-ee-num siding, and his very own outside shit-seat. Viva Freedom!-BrianPotty training is a process that takes time, people. Often you need to get the children used to the idea of sitting on a toilet. I recommend that you get them comfortable with it by sitting them on a portable potty while they are doing something that they like, such as watching TV, or drinking beer on the lawn.-KatrinaIts totall ...

Bleagh!
2007-06-29 21:45:00
You have to shoot it in the head. If you miss then you'll get its attention and it will try to bite you and then you'll become infected. When you're infected you turn into one of them. You have to shoot it in the head.Love,Brett ScieszkaI wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole AKA my penis.*teddyHow did Paris get a tan in jail? I'm soooo jealous.-BrianThe really funny part of this picture is that this woman (?) already has a panty tan, so you know that at some point she looked at herself in the mirror and felt that tanning the rest of her flattened-raisin ass was going to be a significant improvement.-KatrinaI wouldn't even touch that with Teddy's 10 foot pole, let alone my 15 foot one.- James ...

Holy Shit!
2007-06-29 21:42:00
It's always kind of scary when homeless people try to show you that they have a sense of humor by writing really fucked up stuff on their sign, proving that they're actually more crazy and out of touch with reality than you'd initially thought. If that's not the case and this guy beat up a klansman and stole his sign, then I take back the whole "scary" and "crazy" stuff. You rule. Here's a buck.--NattyThis is embarrassing to black people everywhere. He’s playing up to the white-man like a puppet to the point where he will make any face you point to on his sign. Where’s the shame face mister? Where’s the shame face?- JamesThat lazy bum should get a job so he can raise money for Klansmen like everybody else.*teddyThat guy totally stole that sign from some other homeless dude, who promptly "disappeared." Note the sinister, smug grin on his face. I would stay the FUCK away from that guy.-KatrinaThis guy is rocking a level of stupid irony so intense that it makes all the kids who ...

Coochie Coochie Coo!
2007-06-29 21:40:00
This guy is demonstrating that through Nazi Eugenics you can successfully breed out the gene for ticklishness, thereby rendering the new aryan man invulnerable to homosexual conversion tactics.--NattyThis guy looks like a thuggish racist, but he's really a big 'ole sweetheart according to his Grandma (the one who shits glass shards and bullets).Love,Brett Scieszkawhy has no one mentioned the yoohoo stain on his hailing arm?or is that hamburger meat?homemade ketchup?mmm, sounds like i'm having a bbq up in this comment.-erinQuestion: What’s the difference between a racist and a WWE fan?Answer: Nothing.- JamesThat guy on the left is such a superfan that he'll even pluck a lock of armpit hair when the rest is too short for treasuring. What a dedicated fellow.-KatrinaErin, that might be yoohoo on his arm, but I'm pretty sure that's poop on his chin.*teddy ...

I know what boys like...
2007-06-29 21:38:00
NAMBLA summer camps are fun for the first couple of days, but then you start to realize that all the colored "Merit Rings" you've been awarded aren't supposed to go on your arm. The kid in the back is wearing camoflauge underpants because he's desperately hoping that his crotch will blend in with the surroundings, rendering him unmolestable.--NattyThis picture is perfect. The machismo, the sense of camaraderie, the only thing missing is my dick in their mouths. Just kidding.- JamesP.S. Thanks Vice.Tonight these kids are going to get into more perple nerples, red bellies, swirlies, wet willies, awful waffles, shockers, chimigangas, horse bites the pumpkins, and making gross potions out of condiments for your friends to eat than a slumber party at James' apartment. Don't fall asleep or they'll dip your fingers in warm water and you'll piss yourself.Love,Brett ScieszkaDid you notice how the two boys on the right aren't even pointing at muscles? Get out of gym and into biology cla ...

Street Smarts
2007-06-29 21:31:00
If James and I happened to cross Dykes Drive while making our usual rounds of Little White Girls Way and we happened upon these two prime cuts, not only would we be arrested within the hour, we'd also not care because our life goals would have been fulfilled. The most we could hope for was that these two would fall madly in love with us and send us perfumed letters in jail, eventually bailing us out after running away from home when they turn 18. At that point however, they've dropped out of Catholic School and they're too old to make us feel dirty-good anymore.--NattyP.S. I tried to fuck this picture. Twice.When I was in high school I had a girlfriend who went to Catholic school and her skirt was the coursest most unsexual gray thing imaginable. This leads me to believe dudes who are into schoolgirls have never actually been with schoolgirls. Its a rad wank fantasy but its too damn itchy in practice.Love,Brett ScieszkaWere you having sex with her skirt or the actual girl Brett? Bec ...
Street 

Opinions?
2007-06-28 17:53:00
My sainted Mother isn't exactly what you would call 'technologically proficient,' so If you put one of these future phones in her hand and asked her to dial out she'd get so frustrated that her head would fall off and roll behind some bushes.Love,Brett ScieszkaSure the iPhone seems great at first, but wait until you want to cheat on your girlfriend. Good luck! She can now contact you via every electronic form known to man on one device. Hell, she’ll probably even be able to tell you’re listening to “And I Love Her” by the Beatles on your iTunes (and it doesn’t help that she knows you hate the Beatles). You’re screwed.- JamesThat phone is almost as well manicured as that hand. Almost.- Katrina$600? Where's the fuck-hole on this thing anyways? (sorry, couldn't help it).Love,Brett ScieszkaBrett, get this; the thing doesn't even have a built in iBrator. Lame.--Nattybut... you guys... it's so... shiiiiiinnnyyyyyyy...i think it has built-in hypnosis of some sort. you buy ...

Some Religious Literature I was given...
2007-06-28 17:41:00
Yeah, unless your problem is figuring out how to die (like this poor, thoughtful bastard in the picture.) Then it's the perfect solution. Morons.--NattyP.S. Why is David Bowie considering suicide? I'd assume he has a great life.This layout is that of a passport. Which is fitting, since he is going on a trip— the trip of his life!! Or is it the trip of his death? No, no, trip of his life was correct.- JamesWith a little rearranging and some scary graphic design you could change this pamphlet into the best Hardcore band T-shirt ever: "No Solution" the new album by Suicide would sell like hotcakes to rich suburbanite teens who wear bandanas, have septum piercings, and drive Jeep Liberties.Love,Brett ScieszkaWhat kind of white dude from the 50's would want to kill himself? Those were the golden years, buddy! THE GOLDEN YEARS.-Katrina "Brother William, we need you to do an illustration for the cover of our pamphlet about Television.""But I have never watched television. I can't even ...
Literature  Religious 

Superlame
2007-06-25 22:35:00
This guy looks like one of those kids who freaked out when Jackass came out and started doing all kinds of awesome stunts with his friends around the neighborhood. I'd love to tell you he did something sweet like smack his friend in the head with a wiffle-ball bat and then jump off one of those mini exercise trampolines headfirst into the garage, but really he got KO'd from blowing on his thumb super hard (pussy).Love,Brett ScieszkaWhat is it with Asian guy’s obsession with Superman? They put the logo on their car, wear the shirts, and tattoo it on their arm. There is nothing “super” about getting really red in the face, and acting like teenager every time you get drunk because you lack that enzyme that allows you to process alcohol and not pass out after two drinks.- JamesCool glove.*teddyI didn't know Asian guys had hair in their pits! My fantasy is RUINED.-Katrina ...

Tan time
2007-06-25 22:35:00
MTV sucks.Love,Brett ScieszkaI bet none of these four girls can take a punch.- JamesI think I've seen this porn.*teddyThese are the kind of girls who spend more time kissing each other than the boys who they claim to be flirting with. The guy next to them is pretending to be gay so that he can watch. It's a parasitic relationship, as most of the time they don't even know he is there. This is what we call college.-Katrina ...
Time