A Panel of Experts Details

Sweet. Jesus.
2007-06-25 22:13:00
Listen dude, down-low is only going to satisfy you for so long. Eventually you're going to have to corn-row that hair, throw on the jesus-piece, and mash yourself between a couple of large n' lovlies who are just itching to shove their rumps in your crotch. I bet this guy has a really cool old car too.Love,Brett ScieszkaBrett says “down-low” about 5 million times whenever a black guy is having fun. Which leads me to believe he may be down-bro (down-low for white guys. Use it, but don’t steal it). Brett, just because you can’t run a freak-train where you consume alcohol, doesn't mean you should hate on people who can (I know this because I hang out with you, and it would NEVER fly).- JamesDear James,I am very sorry I offended your people. I know now that this is wrong. Will you still be my friend?P.S. Let's french.Love,Brett ScieszkaWHOA! The gloves come off and this panel of experts has turned into a panel of flying daggers. This does, indeed sound like a challenge. Well, I ...
Jesus

Oh, one more! This one was too fucked up NOT to post!
2007-06-22 21:23:00
Must be a spin-off of my site: YourGodDoesntExistYouLittleBlondeBigots.gov. I think mine's catchier.*teddy I love it when lesbians wear ironic t-shirts like this. Especially when they really stick it to the fundamentalists by making it abundantly clear that the femme one just got her oral redwings from a woman who the bible has declared "unclean for seven days."--NattyP.S. Teddy, not only is your site catchier, its' also sexier. I like the live webcams you put in those confessional booths. Kinky!While it may be true that God hates fags, its also pretty apparent that he's got no problem with incest.Love,Brett ScieszkaIf I were God, I would hate sloppy children who can't even keep cherry popsicles in their mouthes WAY more than fags. At least they have some fucking precision. Shit.-KatrinaHey, I checked. godhatesfags.com isn't even a real site - thanks for nothing you curseably cute bigots!-BrianJeeze, it’s just an anti-smoking campaign from the United Kingdom. Americans are so u ...
Fucked

A Weekend of Goddamn Babies!
2007-06-22 19:12:00
Romulus and Remus snuggle with their mother on a cold Roman night. Wearing their fashionable god-forged battle armor and with a look of steely determination in their eyes, these two young men bare their gums and set forth to bring about the greatest civilization the ancient world has ever known.--NattyThat bitch has the ugliest puppies I've ever seen.Love,Brett ScieszkaThe last time a dog stared me down like that was when I ate her puppies. Payback's a 'bitch'.*teddyThis is the PETA approved method of wearing fur. It may or may not maul your children. Wear at your own risk.-KatrinaI'll give someone $3 if they have the balls to make one those awful 'black baby' jokes. First come first serve.Love,Brett ScieszkaThese kids are cute.*teddyOh great. So now they own Christmas too. Is there nothing left for the Christian White Supremacist?-KatrinaThese kids, not so much.*teddyTwo of Kim Jong Il's clones are placed in an ivory crib to be worshipped by their North Korean subjects. After ...
Babies Goddamn Weekend

Real Mormon Underwear!
2007-06-21 20:22:00
I thought this was the White Stripes' next album cover.*teddyOk Mormons, I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but that little flap on your boxers isn't so you can whip out your piece and have sex (though it can be if you're really lazy or do a lot of screwing in alleys). It's there so you can take a whiz easier in the middle of the night or use a urinal without having to pull your pants down like a three-year-old. Why does God hate convenience?Love,Brett ScieszkaThat is some ILL FITTING underwear. I am surprised that mormons can be so jolly all the time (in my mind) when they must have incredible rashes from the chafing that must ensue from wearing such garments. I mean, do mormons not believe in spandex? What about sizing? Is it one size fits all so that all the wives can share underwear and make seperating the laundry oh-so much simpler? Only the book of mormon can tell us.-KatrinaWhen the angels dictated the book of Mormon to Joseph Smith, they were very clear that G ...
Underwear

Grrrr!
2007-06-21 20:21:00
This kid's science fair product followed this format:Problem: "My parents are fucking crazy"Hypothesis: "They drink too much Cough Medicine"Experiment: "Drink the medicine."Solution: "I Now Crazy For Good Tonight, sir! Would you like a job of hand for sheckels? Also, i no longer have a cough."He lost the fair but gained some foster parents.--NattyWhen I was in elementary school there was this one book in the library titled "The Bastard" which is absolutely hilarious if you're in elementary school. Every time we had to do a book report someone else would pass on "The Bastard" so another kid had a chance to go up in front of the class and say "the book I read for this report is entitled THE BASTARD." Then we'd give ourselves brain damage holding in the laughter.Love,Brett ScieszkaMan, I wouldn't buy into a religion from a kid with a face like that. And I thought Job had a hard time.-KatrinaAfter enjoying Salt Lake City Theater's performance of The Lion King and its 'Circle of Wive ...

Rock god.
2007-06-21 20:15:00
This guy's based his whole persona around being a macho tough guy lone wolf. Too bad in reality Kent loves to hold hands, write in his diary (with a little lock on it), eat cotton candy and drink white wine. You should see his snow globe collection.Love,Brett ScieszkaThis guy should sell balloons. He could tie them to the various rings on his body, that way he could still play air-guitar and work at the same time.-KatrinaA marionette on break.*teddyKey-chain fetish? Whatever, it takes all kinds-- to provide fodder for this blog.- James ...
God Rock

Still more hand signs...
2007-06-21 20:14:00
Professor Grif's lesbian cousins are fucking terrifying. They intimidate the hell out of me even when they're at a bachelorette party sex lesson taught by an instructor from Toys in Babeland. When they say they "hate the man" they literally mean it. Also, their naughty-bits taste like Skoal and nickel.--NattyAren't these guys members of that cult that were all web designers who wore Nikes, drank poisoned fruit juice, cut off their balls, and flew away to heaven on a silver comet?Love,Brett ScieszkaA gang of deaf lesbian undertakers.*teddyI don't even want to get into what I think about a bunch of angry looking lesbians making a hand gesture with their index and middle fingers. Let's just say that they're going to need to air out that room a touch once the "ceremony" is over.-KatrinaRick Ruben’s latest discovery: Gay - Z- James ...
Signs

Who wears short shorts?
2007-06-21 20:13:00
Nothing's tastier than hairy Catalonian man crack hanging out the bottom of jean shorts. Mmm-mm-mm.*teddyYou know you have lousy parents when they leave this hairy Lebanese dynamo as your babysitter. He makes you eat a gourmet cheese platter for dinner and only lets you watch the Oxygen channel. You also have to listen to him talk about 'his feelings' a lot.Love,Brett ScieszkaAwww the shorts have a little tear in them, and they're so hard to find, too.-KatrinaI'll bet this is the guy Herge based "Captain Haddock" from the Tintin comics on. Except this guy goes by the name "Admiral Lumpfish" and says "Big Brown Bulbous Bouncing Bollocks!" instead of "Billions of blue blistering barnacles."--NattyI think you look cute in this picture Natty.- James ...
Shorts

Me Chinese, me play joke.
2007-06-18 18:00:00
This is how asian people racistly imitate white people when they're not around. How about a dose of your own medicine, "The West?"-NattyI can't wait until an economically superior China takes over the US so I can be reduced to serving Lychee Martinis to bratty rich kids. They're all "hey round-eyes, you are slow as the many changing seasons." I'll get my petty passive-aggressive revenge though by switching the possum knuckle meat in their appetizers with plain old chicken.Love,Brett ScieszkaYou can barely make it out, but the one guy in the middle is actually crying. A group of black guys just rolled up and are about to take all of his women. Why do Asian girls like black guys so much? Cause they’re not cheap and they know how to dance.- JamesThe similarities to real Americans is striking: fatty, bunched-up cheekbones from our many Big Macs; forced, vapid smiles from our many botoxes; eyes drooping with our many forms of autism. It's like looking into culture kaleidoscope.-Bri ...
Joke

Lazer Love
2007-06-18 17:58:00
Drink up, ladies. Don't want Charlie's urine samples to go to waste.*teddyThis man's life is literally flashing before his eyes. These two girls, after downing this shot, will literally be flashing their tits before his eyes. The neon beer sign is currently flashing before his eyes. And when he dies, this will be the only moment he cares to see flashing before his eyes.--NattyI don't know what this guy is so excited about. Frankly, watching college-age skanks throw back their yeast infection pills in shot glasses kind of weirds me out, but maybe I'm just getting old.Love,Brett ScieszkaGirls should rarely do shots, or at least not except them from men. It fucks with guy’s brains. He think it’s going to be easier to convince her to have sex with him, when in reality he’s going to have to listen to her talk about her lame job, possibly cry, and still want to leave with the same friends she came with anyway.- JamesAnd so began Dick Cheney's distinguished career in watching oth ...
Love

Brothers in Arms
2007-06-18 17:56:00
Speaking of people counting on their fingers, the Black Caucus of the Church of Satan is now down to two members. They've spent the weekend unloading all these chairs in the ballroom at the Ramada Inn only to be forced to waylay some poor guest on his way to the Continental breakfast buffet, convince him to take this picture, and then ask him if he knows that he's got a personal friend in Lucifer. Guys, you haven't been cool since Sammy Davis Jr.--NattyThat looks surprisingly like the "two in the pink, one in the stink" gesture for guys who are into down-low. They call it "one in the stink and tickle the dink." Their girlfriends would be so pissed if they found out.Love,Brett ScieszkaPhotographer: “Okay. Now a hand gesture white guys will understand.”- JamesSadly, these gentlemen were gathered here to mourn the passing of dear, sweet Julius. Julius was known to often rock "out" with his "cock" out. On occasion, Julius was heard to remark "fuck the police". And as we so fondly r ...
Arms

Oh!
2007-06-18 17:51:00
Everytime Goldie comes to new york, he always shows off at how well he can count by putting his arms around more than one woman and then holding up the same amount of fingers. That's why Bjork dated him. She's still learning how to walk. Celebrities are idiots.--NattyRemember fake David Cross? This old loser would hang around East Village bars and try to cadge drinks off people because he was a lonely alcoholic (or performance art genius). Well now the Meat Packing District has its own poster-boy fraud: Fake Kevin Federline! (P.S. ladies, he's single).Love,Brett ScieszkaHow may rufies will it take to sleep with these girls?-Brian"Dah, hey der, ladies! Dah, uh, my vas deferns is smitten with yous as is me and, dah, we's was wonderin if you twos wants a pint of dis establishment's finest fermented barley via polyurethane containers?"*teddy ...

Double Zs
2007-06-18 17:49:00
Can you even fathom what it would be like to date someone with such fucked up image issues as this woman? Answer: pretty awesome actually.Love,Brett ScieszkaI'm with Brett on this one. If she came to you this fucked up in the first place, there'd be no guilt about how she'd end up afterward. And besides, she'd probably let you keep your pencils, pens, and small change in there.--NattyIt’s ironic that her chest attracts two of the same things: dicks.- JamesIf you think that's something, you should see my testicle cleavage.*teddyA little-known, but potentially devastating side effect of massive silicon injections is the inability to stop smiling like a Vegas hooker at Christmas time. Case in point: these photos are actually from a wake.-Brianas an extremely chesty woman myself, i can really empathize with these girls. we should start some sort of charity for ourselves so we can manage our own clothing line because it is just so difficult to fine t shirts that fit. i mean, look at ...

Wercome to Wirriamsburg
2007-06-18 17:47:00
This guy's just hitting the bodega to pick up one of those weird aloe drinks (gross right?) after a hard day of loitering around shitty neighborhood art galleries. Can you imagine what this guy's record collection sounds like? It would give you both gout and the croupe.Love,Brett ScieszkaHe’s the Robin Hood of Brooklyn. Only he steals from his parents and gives to his ecstasy dealer.- JamesIf John Waters and John Leguizamo had a daughter...--NattyI have just one thing to say to Mister Well-Matched Outfit With Cheekbones For Days And An Earring That Just Screams "Sophistication!": You're eyes! They don't give me any love. If you want to make it out of that grungy grocery store and into a grungy constructed grocery store set, then you've got to do something about those silly, slanty eyes of yours. I know a fabulous boy in Greenpoint who take of that problem like it was yesterdays racial slur.-Brian ...

Some Wonderful News:
2007-06-14 23:14:00
This blog is now a member of http://humor-blogs.com/, which is a wonderful website listing and reviewing (you guessed it!) humor blogs. So, if you feel like promoting this blog and increasing its' standing on their list, feel free to click on their link in the sidebar. ...
News

The Love Boat
2007-06-14 21:33:00
Its not so bad working on gay porn shoots but it is kind of a hassle to wipe down the yacht's sofa after the new Greek kid gets slammed on it for an hour. Afterwards he gave me this cocky smile and said "Thanks guy," as he tossed me his coral necklace.Love,Brett ScieszkaWhen rich gays have yachts they strip down to their undies and read the paper. When rich white guys have yachts they wear captain hats and video tape themselves having sex with young girls (at least that’s what I gather from the internet).- JamesHe's actually reading his financial report and wondering why James subscribed to Captainstabbin.com but wouldn't come on his cruise.-NattyBetween the laborious tweezing sessions and the hourlong lard slatherings, Brendan took a moment to sip his French pressed coffee as he read the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal.*teddy ...
Boat Love

Silly Idol
2007-06-14 21:32:00
I don't get it. What's wrong with these guys?Love,Brett ScieszkaAre people being built with spam protection? Please enter "9$RL3DN" to rock!*teddyThis looks like the twins from the Matrix went to a club called the Matrix.- JamesNostradamus said:In the year two thousand and sevenShall be a club of the night known as "heaven"The old style ends, see the birth of anotherThe techno remix of Edgar and Johnny; the Winter Brothers--Natty ...
Idol

Vacation, all I ever wanted...
2007-06-14 21:27:00
" Ok, everybody smile! Now one for fun! Make a silly face! Come on, you can be sillier than that. Fatima, are you upset about something? Why the long robe? Wait, you're not Fatima."This will be great for all the kids back in Iran who want to know what it looks like when their mother stands in front of things in places. And it won't even matter that it isn't their mother! It might as well be.--Natty"Wait, I need to take a picture of these ninjas."*teddyArabs rock polygamy so much better than Mormons. They pull off all the awful misogyny and human rights abuse but with 30% less religious bullshit and 100% more figs.Love,Brett ScieszkaIt’s always hard to get little kids to smile when they don’t want to.- James ...
Vacation

H. Christ.
2007-06-14 21:26:00
Jesus loves everyone a whole lot (duh), but don't you think he'd be just a tiny bit disappointed looking at these dudes body paint themselves before the retreat's big volleyball game. He'd be all "Wow guys...great effort....green and black huh? Not really my favorite colors but how were you to know....hmmmm...Oh look, you even sort of made a weird T-shirt looking thing out of shoe polish.... Well done guys....I really appreciate it." Then he'd slink off and have his first beer in like a millennium.Love,Brett ScieszkaYou should see their mascot, Jesus Christ and the walking stick of doom.*teddythe gentlefolk on the right is the tallest, has the biggest head, and is clearly the most enthusiastic about jesus because he made an entire jesus skin t shirt.-erinI’m really hoping “JESUS” is the Mexican quarterback for their high school football team and the crosses on their arm are his sign. Kind of like that thing Jay-Z does with his hands.- JamesThe guy with the "E" looks about fo ...
Christ

Full metal jackass.
2007-06-14 21:15:00
They call this "foreplay."*teddyWhy are kids so pissed off and violent these days? These guys should be dorking it out in the basement with D & D, drinking tons of soda, and trading Stussy T-Shirts. You think your life sucks? Try stealing $35 bucks from your Grandma so you can buy your girlfriend her third bottle of crabicide because she cheated on you with her ex (again).Love,Brett ScieszkaThese kids WILL kill you. But at least the rest of America will get a movie out of Michael Moore and Gus Van Sant. It will probably have some real metaphoric title too. Something like, “Indian Elephant Stampede in the Jungle.”- JamesChild soldiers are disturbing no matter what. However, it is a bit funnier once you find out that they're out in the jungle because one of their older brothers told them that "Blanka" from the Street Fighter video games lives out there and there's a huge bounty on his head because he's been attacking villagers with his devastating spin-attack. So these crazy k ...
Metal

Out of hand (signs)
2007-06-12 17:16:00
The members of the "guys who look like dykes and their one lesbian friend gang" are so confused that they can't even settle on one hand signal between them. Stone Cold Steve Austin is insisting on the devil horns, while Wayne Brady wants to ensure that the East Side receives fair representation. Meanwhile, Chubby Leguizamo is trying to pick something out of his teeth with his toungue and the guy on the far right is watching a baseball game on TV. In the middle of all of this, Lesbo Baggins sits proudly, satisfied that she'll stagger home drunk and watch that green wristband fall into a toiletbowl full of puke so that Middle Earth will be safe again.--NattyI love a good bartender, but misdirected bartender worship has got to go. What are you guys freaking out for? She only brought you a burger from the kitchen and poured you a Miller Light. The most complex thing she's had to do all night was refill the the frozen Pena Colada and Hurrican machines and when I asked her for a gin giml ...
Signs

Shmecky Silvergold presiding! Hello!
2007-06-06 22:09:00
Hello everybody! In case you didn't know and/or were wondering and/or/maybe concerned, Natty (this webfile's inter-master) was not feeling well this weekend. As a result, he has given me, Schmecky Silvergold, twice-retired and five-times (frice?) divorced man of the world full access. After several hours of my wonderful and patient nephew Arty explaining this exciting technology to me, I have finally "pasted" some photos from one of my many scrapbooks. Beneath each picture I have written a little bit about it. Natty told me you wonderful fellas and ladies would know what to do from there.At least the son's and/or daughter's outfit is appropriately gender-confused.-Brian"For instance, take my life...please."*teddyThis family were my pen pals from Malaysia! I used to send them presents like full-length neckties (which are hard to find outside the first world.) Not to be outdone, they sent me their daughter shortly after this picture was taken! Fourth wife!--SchmeckyYou might think it ...

PROM SPECIAL!!!
2007-06-01 21:59:00
It's that time of year, so I've found some great prom photos. Ladies and gentlemen, I present for your consideration the following candidates for prom kings and queens:Aw, look at that smile. I always love it when the dumpy girl at prom gets her very own paparazzi-style "getting-out-of-the-car" shot. It's like she's been hoping all of high school for the chance to be objectified. The only thing missing is the inevitable twat shot, but we all know that's coming. Maybe when she wears something sheer without any underwear she'll find someone to give a damn. And a tip honey, maybe lay off the Lil' Debbie snacky-cakes between now and your drunken stumble on the red carpet.-BrianFuck taking one of those super expensive limos to Prom this year. Who gives a shit anyway? Just hop in your chubby friend's Celica and get this party started. You can smoke pot and drink beers in the back seat on the way and listen to a mix-tape your friend made just for the trip. Fuck, I think I just ...

The shocking truth
2007-05-30 23:27:00
My friends asked if I wanted to go the Vagina monologues and I said I didn't like period pieces.'-NattyI love it when polygamist Mormon families get caught and torn apart by "the zionist jew-run government." These kids are 17 years old and think that their monthly cycle is a reminder from the devil that they're eating too much rich food (its sinful). They met Natty and asked him if he was a "tribesman from Africalands."Also have you ever seen Mormon bathing suits? Girls wear these wetsuit type things covered with this big floppy dress part that probably holds 30 lbs. of water. Fucking Google it.Love,Brett ScieszkaI remember this. Turns out, the only way to beat period pain is to let your roots grow out (tips ladies- plan ahead!) throw on some scrubs and acquire a thyroid condition that makes you all bug-eyed for a week (cosmopolitan challenge of the month!) Either way, NO ONE is getting any ass... period.- Katrina "Your Body is a Temple" Milliganps- or these girls are just getting ...

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