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Never a Dull Moment
A mom of 10 adopted children with special needs tells it all with gutlevel honesty
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Survived the Day So Far
2008-05-12 23:37:04
Well, it’s 4:00 p.m. and I survived the day, managing my emotions pretty well. I have been up since five, and was too stressed to nap, so I was worried that I was going to have a hard time keeping my mouth shut at the meeting. oh, wait, you don’t know about the meeting yet because you haven’t been told about the meeting.This morning I called the probation officer. I told her what I knew, that I needed to confront Salinda, that I hadn’t done so yet, and that I would like to in front of her and the social worker if possible. So she told me to bring her directly after school.Wow, the anxiety of picking her up and having to take her in to see her P.O. without prior warning was almost overwhelming. I had to spend most of the day talking myself down from the edge. Telling myself I could hand it, etc. I have found that if I can keep myself under control things go better. Her attitude and mean spirit, especially when she is angry, make me so anxious. But I kept myself in line ...
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The Best Mother's Day So Far
2008-05-12 15:47:55
My decision to not deal with Salinda’s infractions yesterday was a very good one. Because even though several children chose to be a little crabby and non-participatory, some of the other children were very loving and kind. Here are some highlights;Tony and Leon couldn’t be more different if they tried. Tony talks 24/7, Leon is softspoken. Tony is on the extreme end of defiant, Leon is cooperative 99% of the time. Tony is attention seeking, Leon likes to slip into the background. And they shopped for Mother’s Day cards at different times of the day and I believe in different stores. And they picked the same card. It was fun teasing Leon about how it was because he and Tony are so much alike. The difference: Leon printed the words “I love you” on the envelope in small print. Dang, I love that kid.Sadie was perplexed as to what to get me now that chocolate and other snacks aren’t a good gift. She did find a couple packages of pens, which, for me is a good gift. An ...
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So Far, So Good
2008-05-11 19:08:47
We’ve made it until noon. I have taken away computer access. Salinda still thinks that I don’t know about last night. As long as she can still keep thinking that, we should have peace in the house. I will have to confront her, but as I mentioned earlier this morning, I’d like to make it through today without having to deal with it.It’s 12:09 and so far we’ve made it. ...
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Back to Drama Land
2008-05-11 15:27:12
Salinda did come home last night and she thinks that I think she was where she said she she was, but I know she wasn’t. I investigated her My Space messages this morning and she has been lying to us for weeks, violating her probation multiple times.In addition, she has not been logging out of the computer like she is supposed to be, but using it as she wishes. Last night she left it on and one of the boys got on and the content that they were viewing was not appropriate according to our rules. Thus we are not going to be having computer in our home for a while, which is going to make Salinda very angry.Right now I have one goal -- and that is to control myself until we get through the day. Tomorrow I will be forced to call her Probation Officer and we will deal with everything. But for the first time in years, I agreed to allow the younger kids who wanted to to prepare a Mother’s Day celebration to do so. Historically, there have been some kids of mine who made sure that Moth ...
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For Those of You Who Have Been Missing the Drama (even though I haven't been)
2008-05-11 04:22:47
I just caught Salinda in a huge lie. And now I have no idea where she is. The people she said she was supposed to be with haven’t seen her all day. In fact, she has been using them as an excuse apparently for a couple weeks, saying she is with them when she isn’t.So now I have no idea where she is, it is 9:20 at night, and I have to worry not only about where she is, but if she will be home and what things will be like when/if she gets here. She is basically screwing up her life right now as she is violating her probation by doing this kind of stuff. I hate the days to come.I didn’t sleep well and I’m overtired, so that makes it even more difficult. And there was a glimmer of hope today that Mother’s Day, for the first time in 10 years was going to be an OK day. ...
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Everyone is Basically Cooperating with Me Right Now and I'm Not Really Sure how to Respond
2008-05-10 21:29:10
Tony cleaned his room, alone, without help this morning, and I only mentioned it once. This is the first time he has done this without extreme opposition and he is 13.Dominyk and Wilson cleaned their room when I only asked them once. My brother agreed to send my parents some money. I hardly ever talk to him, but my Mom finally retired at age 78, and they are needing money, but not going to ask for it. We’re sending some, and I thought my brothers should too. I caught him online this morning and he was very cooperative.I expect the kids to be up by 10 on Saturdays, otherwise it messes up their sleep schedule and we have really bad Sundays. I asked Salinda to get up even though she had been awake (friend spending the night) talking until 3:30 a.m. She got up.I have been to the YMCA and matched 2 loads of socks this morning, and am now sitting at my desk, beginning to clean my office. I’m even cooperating with myself.Gas and food prices are killing us, so I came up with an alt ...
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I told you so...
2008-05-09 13:36:59
I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned yesterday that Dominyk hadn’t had a meltdown all week, because boy was in I for one yesterday. He decided he wanted money to go to a garage sale. It had been my intention to leave the house before he got home with his PCA to avoid potential meltdowns, but I didn’t quite make it. When I told him no and started to head out to the van he followed me, and held the van door open so that I could not shut it to leave. When I finally got it shut by struggling with him, he started to pound on the window hard with his fist as I attempted to pull out of the garage. The psychiatrist has no advice. She simply says that we cannot give in when he gets like that. So we don’t, but sometimes it is a little scary.And then... Salinda... who apparently had had a bad day at school, came home and treated everyone in our home with utter disrespect, borrowing a phrase from Cindy, acting like Venom Girl. The problem was, she wanted a ride somewhere later in the d ...
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Mellow Days
2008-05-08 14:00:51
Spring sports are tiring out 4 of our boys and Salinda spent the whole night (with the exception of church time) at a friends, so last night was a pretty mellow night around here. Dominyk hasn’t had very many bad meltdowns this past week which is great. Of course, that will spur one on that I simply typed that. Sigh.Up at at the Y by 5:15 for the third day in a row and I have been accomplishing a ton of stuff the last few days. A to do list is helping and for some reason, unexpected motivation. Maybe it’s the fact that it is finally over 60 and the sun in shining... or maybe it’s something else ... but it’s nice to feel like I“m catching up.And we’re off and running for another day. I think I’m going to put ”blog something meaningful“ on my to do list today. Bet you’re getting bored with no police activity, court hearings, emergency room visits, drama or trauma... ...
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Somewhat Successful
2008-05-07 13:42:30
By the end of my work day last night I was fairly satisfied. My determination paid off. I worked hard. Made a list. It had 20 things on it, and as the day went by the list grew to 32. But the good news is that i accomplished some of them, so my list at the end of the day had only has 19 things on it. Hmmm. Net gain: one thing????We drove to soccer in the rain. I got lost. Ricardo missed playing time because of it. He played in the rain. We sat in the van and watched.But we had great “windshield” time on the way home as Sadie and I had long conversations about life and self-discipline and goals and dreams. Even the boys started listening toward the end (Wilson and Jimmy went along, as of course, did Ricardo). It was a long trip, but good to get away. And now, the to do list continues to grow... ...
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Determination
2008-05-06 13:47:20
I am one of those people who believes that it is never too late to change... never too late to start something new, and never too late to become a different person.Each day is a new chance to start fresh and become a better person. I have been having trouble focusing on getting my work done lately and I need to do that. I also have been slacking off on going to the Y and for the first time in 8 weeks, I didn’t lose any this week. So I woke up this morning determined to get my head back in the game. I have an endless to do list that I will tackle. By mid morning our dryer vent should be unplugged (after the dryer itself was repaired and thoroughly cleaned, and I need to wash several loads of laundry. The pile that I posted yesterday hasn’t gotten smaller and I can’t do any laundry until the vent is professionally cleaned. I have a conference call by phone this morning, so I hope that it isn’t at the same time -- might be hard to hear will the “super-duper high power va ...
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Can You Help Me?
2008-05-05 14:05:08
About two and a half years ago, a single woman emailed me and said that she was interested in adopting a sibling group of children. She mentioned wanting lots of children and how this had always been her dream. She wanted to know if I could help her. I told her I could.Four months later, while this woman was completing her paperwork, I took a trip to Texas. I was told about a sibling group of six children, ages 5-17. Their issues seemed overwhelming and with the age spread I told the supervisor of the unit that I was doubtful I would ever find a family for them.Meanwhile, Debbie (who told me I could blog this) was working with me to get her homestudy done and she told me about her life. Having always worked with children -- nanny, day care, school paraprofessional, she had never been able to adopt internationally because of the cost (because, as we all know, our society certainly does not pay those who care for our children well). She wanted a sibling group of YOUNG children, an ...
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Mutiny
2008-05-05 13:53:11
Yesterday was one of those days when everyone together decides that obedience, compliance and cooperation is simply out of the question. It wasn’t the real in-your-face kind, but it was the “stare at mom blankly and then walk away without complying” kind. Several kids did it several times yesterday morning before, during and after church and by the time lunch came around I was forced to say, “If something doesn’t change around here really fast, either Dad or I are going to get pushed over the edge and it is NOT going to be pretty.”Things shaped up for a while after that and we had some cooperation as we cleaned the house for company. In fact, with the exception of one or two people, everyone worked together well and we got a lot done. On Saturday night the whole area in front of the washing machine was clean and all the laundry was done. (Is this called airing your dirty laundry?)By Sunday at 4 p.m., after everyone had cleaned their rooms and the house was clean, this ...
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Who Loses more sleep?
2008-05-04 15:23:15
I wonder sometimes at which end of the parenting stage we lose more sleep. Certainly nursing a baby who doesn’t sleep through the night is a challenge, but the teenage “are they going to come in on time, where are they, why are they late, are they OK stage” may be even more stressful.The dryer is still broken until tomorrow and therefore Bart has been to the laundromat the last three nights to dry clothes. But they aren’t put away, so we are having a struggle finding things this morning. Tony is of course, pushing every button I have, and it’s an annoying experience to say the least.Sunday mornings are tricky around here but most weeks they are OK. This morning, not so much. ...
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That Wilson
2008-05-03 16:03:05
Ah, Wilson. He is such a funny kid. He’s like an old soul in a tiny body, and the words that come out of his mouth and the things he says crack me up.After school last night he calls me. “Mom, can I go to my friends”Sure, honey, which friend?(Names friend).When will you be home?“Well, I am going to give you the number. And y’all can call me when dinner is to be served.” ...
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A Comedy of Errors or 3 hours and 15 minutes in the life...
2008-05-02 13:35:16
It was 3:45 when Salinda insisted on a ride to the store which needed to be preceded by a stop at the post office for her to mail a letter and a trip to the bank to get cash. I had already promised Tony that I would be at his tennis match at 4:30. Miraculously, I actually made it to the match and pulled up next to the outdoor courts. I was able to watch each of them serve a couple of times and then it started to rain.The kids all went to their parents cars to get a ride to the Indoor Tennis Courts about five miles from town. So I took Jimmy and Tony there, but on the way I called Bart and said, “It’s raining, so I am going to go see if Leon and Ricardo’s game is cancelled. If they call, tell them I’m on my way. (They usually play the second game, so I had planned to go watch them after the tennis match). I drove the 3 miles back into town and when I got to the baseball field I saw Leon and Ricardo warming up. So I drove back to the indoor tennis courts.I arrived there a ...
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And Oh Yeah
2008-05-01 14:30:07
The dryer is broken -- with a load of 200 socks in it. NObody has socks this morning... it is not going well. ...
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Why I Could Never Do This as a Single Parent
2008-05-01 14:24:19
I have tons of respect for single parents of adopted children, especially those who have many and parent them well. But our kids would not survive if it were not for their Dad.He is the nurturer, the fun one, the one who cooks delicious meals. He is the one who can change a somber tone with joviality, and lighten the mood. He can listen without escalating, be patient when that is what is needed, and jumps in and helps out when I cannot handle my responsibilities.As I was sitting here at the computer this morning gauging my emotional stability and determined that I just did not have it in me to take Salinda to therapy. I knew it would not go well if I were to go in this mood with so little sleep.And so I called my husband. And he will take her. And they will be fine. And I will take a nap.And this is reason #4521 that I need my husband... for days like today...mornings like this morning.I could never do this alone. ...
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Facing Another Battle
2008-05-01 13:43:15
I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I’d be surprised if I got a total of three restless hours. That does not prepare me well for the battle ahead.I have to take Salinda to therapy and last night she presented yet another unplanned, unreasonable request. She does not plan well and gets herself into messes. Then of course, we have to bale her out of the messes. But, if we say no ahead of time, we subject ourselves to torture -- with her being very hateful to the whole family to punish us for saying no.My plan is to discuss this with the therapist present ... to explain to her why the last three times we ended up agreeing to one of her plans she ended up caught in a situation full of drama, tears, and pain for herself, and thus for all of us. I am going to explain to her that it is because I love her that I would say no, not the opposite.I am a positive thinker. I am an optimist. But I can guarantee you this is not going to go well.And I do not have the emotional energy ne ...
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Anticipating Summer
2008-04-30 21:28:00
Another 5 weeks or so and it will be summer. School will be out. I have started thinking about what summer means and I must confess that I am not excited about some of those things. Summer means bored children and me attempting to do my job while attempting to keep them happy and occupied. Summer means that the teenagers in town get a little carried away and wild, and Salinda usually wants to head down that road. Fortunately she is on probation, so hopefully that should carry her through the summer without too much difficulty.i am excited about some things though. No more rides to school, shorts and sandals instead of jeans and socks, a more relaxed schedule....but most of all I am experience a strong amount of anticipatory grief at losing my time alone. ...
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Adopt America
2008-04-30 13:54:07
Another comment way back when was in regards to Adopt America and how to become a volunteer specialist. If you are an adoptive parent and passionate about matching kids with families, you can go to the Adopt America Network Website and learn about the program. Then call the office and ask to talk to someone about being a volunteer Adoption Specialist. They will tell you what to do from there. ;-) ...
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FASD kids and Middle School
2008-04-30 13:52:09
A few weeks ago a reader commented that she would like to hear my thoughts on FASD and middle school. Maybe one of the reasons that I haven't responded is that the whole topic makes me sigh.We found out with Mike that middle school was the "beginning of the end" for him in regards to academics. Life was hard enough for his him when he had the same teacher in the same room for most of the day. Teachers in Elementary School tend to provide a lot more guidance and communicate more with parents. But in Middle School the thinking shifts to one where it is "time for students to start taking responsibility for their own school work."In addition to that shift, there are now 5 or 6 or 7 teachers in that many classrooms in a new building. Homework is different for each class assigned by different person with different expectations. All of this becomes much more overwhelming for kids with FASD.In addition, now there are many social expectations that make kids stand out as being very differ ...
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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Meltdowns
2008-04-30 01:41:19
Dominyk is having a meltdown. It is his second major meltdown today. The first one lasted forty-five minutes after school. He took a break and finally went with his PCA and did something but came back and started in again after supper. This one has lasted almost thirty minutes and is going strong.I talked to the psychiatrist today. She said all we have to do is not give in and he will learn to stop begging. I explained that it had been 3 months since we had given in and it didn't seem to be making a difference. She told me we should hang in there.I want to send him to her house. ...
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Flu Redux
2008-04-29 13:34:33
Apparently Sadie now has it, though may still go to school. Dominyk was complaining that he thought his was coming back. Tony had a miraculous recovery yesterday, up and bothering me by 9:15, so he went off to school, confessing that possibly the reason he threw up the night before is that he had fixed himself 3 hotdogs and six pieces of bacon. Not on my watch. Oh wait, maybe it was. Sunday nights we allow our kids to make their own dinner. Guess he needed a bit more supervision.I made it through my day yesterday with minimal hassle, which was nice. Today I have a day at my desk and hopefully will accomplish a few of the projects I have hanging. Dominyk has a psychiatrist appointment today....and Bart has more meetings today than a person should have in one day. I'll miss him as we communicate via instant message most of the day.Not a lot to report, which is good I guess.... ...
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Stomach flu...
2008-04-28 13:58:51
Dominyk had it on Friday. Tony and Rand now have it. And of course, I am the family's designated puke-cleaner-upper. And Rand won't be able to give rides... and I will end up in the van longer and whine whine whine.It must only be a 24 hour thing though, because Dominyk was feeling much better on Friday by about 1:00 and then got it in his mind he was going to go out and have some fun. In our house, if you're sick, you're sick all day... so he wasn't going to be able to go anywhere. He obsessed and wailed and had a major tantrum -- and I really needed to have a nap. There were a couple of very stressful meetings ahead for me and I needed to rest. I didn't get to rest, though, and instead I got more and more stressed out. It wasn't a good combination.So I am wondering what Tony will do around 1 today. I'm not too worried about Rand, he will most likely hermit in his room, relieved not to have to do anything or go anywhere.Fortunately for me, maybe not so fortunately for Bart, I ...
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One of those "All is Right with the World" Mornings
2008-04-27 14:30:39
I woke up this morning content. Smiling even. I am a person who usually wakes up happy -- the words "God's mercies are new every morning" reminding me that every day is a fresh start. And unless someone messes with me, I can remain like that indefinitely.Instead of waking up crabby until something makes me happy, i wake up happy until someone makes me crabby. And I have now made it 22 minutes without being messed with. :-)The sun is coming up earlier and even though it's probably only 40 degrees outside, the sun is shining and the grass is green. It looks as though there may be small buds forming on the trees and I can hear the birds. We're all getting up to go to first service this morning because we may be on the ushering schedule, though I don't know yet for sure.I got a lot done yesterday including a thorough cleaning of my office. SItting in a cleaner environment makes me feel much more energetic and positive.Last year I took Sadie to the "All Daughter's Tea" at church and ...
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New Things
2008-04-26 14:56:17
It has been a long time since I have been able to see out of my deep hole of work and other responsibilities. Each day has been a struggle. But recently I've started to look ahead and think about new things.One of them is getting the book edited and finally published, setting up a website, and beginning to market it. The others I can't share yet, but they are fun to think about.Today i have big goals and plans of what I would like to get done. However, I realize that I may accomplish only some of it. But i am glad to finally be out of the stage where I can't see the future to actually having some goals and starting to plan again.By nature I have an entrepreneurial spirit -- I like new things, new ideas, big projects and big plans. And lately the day to day stuff has taken all my energy and I haven't had the enthusiasm to think ahead. Even if I don't make progress, to see those plans as possibilities for some day is at least a step in the right direction.And it snowed last night. ...
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And then one of those other days
2008-04-25 13:32:52
Yesterday was a very calm day in comparison to the day before. Nobody was horribly argumentative, we had no severe meltdowns, there was very little stress. The calm after a storm, I suppose, or more likely than not, the calm between storms.Today is a day full of appointments -- therapy for Tony, therapy for Dominyk, a PCA assessment for each of them, and a meeting with Salinda's Probation Officer and social worker. And somewhere snuck in there, I have a couple jobs to do.In working on the book I am taking a journey back through time and am reminded of how innocent and naive we were... those were the days.... ...
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One of THOSE nights
2008-04-24 13:55:23
Last night I reached the end of my emotional energy. I had awakened at 4:10 a.m. rolled around and I had already had several mild altercations and witnessed more than one meltdown, I was more than tired. I was doing all I could to hold it together when there was one of those potentially, but didn't turn out to be, annoying situations with Salinda brewing. I really couldn't take much more and had my own little meltdown. Unfortunately, several of our children had done/said embarrassing and inappropriate things at church last night, which always bothers Bart immensely. So the two of us were not a good combination.But our "never go to sleep mad" rule applied, and by 11 everything was ironed out and we went to sleep. I did not go into the Y this morning as I needed the sleep.Salinda has therapy at noon and I dread taking her. Mom is always the target, as Paula mentioned in her post, and after a while it just starts to get old...and frustrating... and draining... and all kinds of oth ...
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Ours
2008-04-23 13:40:18
Leon (no longer Napoleon) and Wilson became Fletchers yesterday at 3:34 p.m. All of the children who are currently living at home were in the courtroom with us as well as Dominyk's PCA who was able to take pictures (Thanks, S!!!) The pictures with the judge are very dark and hard to see, but everyone cooperated fairly well for a family photo afterwards. Everyone but Tony handled the whole afternoon well, and Tony did fine in the courtroom, but he is really an anxiety magnet and when we are trying to accomplish something involving stress, he is always the one flitting from person to person pushing every button available to him. He almost ended up missing the event.After court, we headed to buy bikes for "the new boys." It was the most pleasant bike-buying experience I ever had. I gave them their limits on price, which they did not argue with, and they each quickly made a decision they were thrilled with. When we got to the check-out counter (OK, so we didn't go to a specialty bik ...
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Today is the day
2008-04-22 16:04:44
I'm feeling great this morning. Very excited that by the end of today, Leon and Wilson will be our sons. They are such incredible kids. We feel so blessed to have them as part of our family. They are pretty excited as well. They have requested dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. Not a cheap option, but they're well worth it. We are insisting that everyone be at court, which means some sporting events will have to be missed, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime event that we aren't going to have anyone miss.I am going back to the coffee shop this morning. I have an interview there and will stick around for a while. I can get a lot done there if I focus.Lots going on for me with my jobs and appointments etc.... better be off and running. ...
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