A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage."Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled."My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"From: Ajokeaday.com # 366 (receive via email)Author: Joe Ramos.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful [...]
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."From: Ajokeaday.com # 6239 (receive via email)Author: Phyllis Pelletier Nanticoke Pa. USA.
There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course. He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy."Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question.""Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir.""How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult questio
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign [...]
Attorney General: Would the Court like me to put a very brief statement on the
record about the discovery that was made today?
Judge: No.
Defense Attorney: No
Judge (to reporter): Would you like him to do that, Cathy?
Reporter: No.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making."I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor w
An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said,"I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."From: Wisdomtips.com # 743 (receive via email)Author: David Figueroa
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’
He ignored me and continued writing the [...]
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running."From: Wisdomtips.com # 15074 (receive via email)Author: Ed Carley Colorado Springs Colorado USA.
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend - “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key [...]
A blonde walks into a doctor’s office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, “Doc, I hurt all over.” The doctor is really confused. He says, “What do you mean, you hurt all over?” The blonde says, “I’ll show you.”
She then touches herself on her leg. “OW!!! I hurt there.” Then she [...]
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," The man says "Oh my god," the bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies "50 cents."From: Ajokeaday.com # 1083 (receive via email)Author: Matt Stefanski.
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."From: Ajokeaday.com # 113 (receive via email)Author: Bernice Literacy Council Nebraska USA.
Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says,"Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."From: Ajokeaday.com # 1589 (receive via email)Author: Ramman Kenoun USA.
I found out why there is so much LEAD PAINT in the toys that are made in China, The toy company told the Chinese company to paint all the toys RED, the Chinese interpreter told his people to paint all toys Led, since they can't pronounce the letter "R" very well, all the toys were painted with LEAD PAINT.From: Ajokeaday.com # 18525 (receive via email)Author: Rob Morin Canada.
There were three guys on a plane. The first guy just ate an apple and decided to throw it out of the plane. So he threw it out just before they landed. When they landed they saw a little girl crying. They asked her what was wrong.
She said, “I was just sitting here playing when [...]
There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the [...]
Calvin sees Elmer and asks: What’s up?Elmer says: first I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.Calvin says: Boy, you had a time!Elmer: I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull trough that spelling test.From: Ajokeaday.com # 18144 (receive via email)Author: USA.
Waitress walks up to a man and says “Hi, May I take your order please?”
The man replies, “Yes, can I get the turtle soup please.”
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead.
He calls for the waitress and says, “Hold the turtle, [...]
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.From: Ajokeaday.com # 17801 (receive via email)Author: USA.
Dean and Jerry were riding a train across the west. Jerry looked out the window and saw a whole lotof buffalo roaming the range. Look at that big bunch of buffalo said Jerry. Dean: Don’t say bunch say herd. Jerry: Heard what. Dean: Herd of buffalo. Jerry: Sure I’ve heard of buffalo. Dean: No... you don’t understand, a buffalo herd. Jerry: I don’t care what a buffalo heard I ain”t said nothing that I’m ashamed of.From: Ajokeaday.com # 18617 (receive via email)Author: El Cass Hampton Va USA.
A young polar bear asks his father,"Dad, am I 100% Polar Bear"The father bear responds, "Well, son, I am all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your grandparents, even your great grandparents are 100% polar bear. So yes, son, you are 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?"The young polar bear replies "Because I am really cold!"From: Ajokeaday.com # 18385 (receive via email)Author: Dan Houghton MI USA.
A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said,“When you can read this, come back and see me.” From: Ajokeaday.com # 18456 (receive via email)Author: USA.
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno, Abe. But let’s make a [...]
Hell is a place where:The lovers are SwissThe cooks are EnglishThe mechanics are FrenchThe police are German andThe government is run by the ItaliansFrom: Ajokeaday.com # 18137 (receive via email)Author: USA.
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate.” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know [...]
After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift [...]
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you we would be walking through a never-ending garden!From: Ajokeaday.com # 13840 (receive via email)Author: Josh, USA.
Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of WIFE.It means - Without Information Fighting Every time!Wife says No, it means - With Idiot for Ever.From: Nokia 3310 (receive via text)Sender: Emily, Philippines
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline for advice. The Psychic tells him:"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class." From: Ajokeaday.com # 106 (receive via email)Author: Soledad AlarcĂłn Santiago R. M. Chile
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do [...]
Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a light bulb?A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.From: Ajokeaday.com # 665 (receive via email)Author: Mark USA.
A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens.“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”From: Ajokeaday.com # 15225 (receive via email)Author: USA.
The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. [...]
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his [...]
1. Employer to applicant: In this job we need someone who is responsible.
Applicant: I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.
2. Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?
I ought to be able to. I’ve had ten different jobs in [...]
A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room.“How on earth did you manage to do that?” he fumed.“Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”From: Ajokeaday.com # 12631 (receive via email)Author: USA.
“What’s wrong with me, doc?” asks the patient. “My balls have turned blue!”
The doctor examines him and says his testicles have to be removed, or else he’ll die.
“I can’t let you do that!” the patient cries.
“Do you want to die?” the doctor asks. So the patient glumly consents to have his balls removed.
Two weeks later [...]
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer."Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth."I think that next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors." From: Ajokeaday.com # 14442 (receive via email)Author: Abi Perrysburg Ohio USA.
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and [...]
Some of you may have already seen this popular YouTube video. Though I'm not a fan of Romney as a presidential candidate, this is a pretty funny prank by his son, Matt.
Man: Did it hurt?Women: Did what hurt?Man: When you fell from heaven, did it hurt?From: Ajokeaday.com # 5671 (receive via email)Author: Chad Angell USA.
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.
Then one said, “Since [...]
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the [...]
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down.The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas." The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in." From: Ajokeaday.com # 587 (receive via email)Author: Mark O. Chicago USA.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class,"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?""No!" the children all answered."If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"Again the answer was "No!""Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"From: Ajokeaday.com # 15566 (receive via email)Author: Mike USA.
Show All